Happy Easter!

Like I said in my last post, I'm feeling strangely optimistic.  I have a small feeling deep down inside of me that I may even be pregnant now (even though my day 3 labs showed I probably wouldn't ovulate -- at least that's what my RE said, my naturopath said the numbers didn't indicate that). But oftentimes I feel that way just before AF shows up...so we'll just wait and see. I'm a bit afraid to believe it might be true, because I've been let down so many times in the past. 

Hubby and I had a great weekend with family.  I have felt really close to him this weekend.  I know IF and especially my reaction to it, along with my depression and anxiety, have taken a toll on our relationship.  But this weekend I feel like WE are strong. 

I went to church this morning with my MIL.  She is a wonderful person and the church she attends is very small and the church my husband grew up in.  We currently don't have a church home, so it was nice to go with her.  Before we got married, the ladies of the church threw us a shower...so just a congregation of really nice people.  Church should be a safe place for an infertile right?!?  We sat down and in comes a couple where the woman is REALLY pregnant and they sit right behind us.  Ends up it is a classmate of my hubby's and his wife, home visiting his parents.  Then as we were leaving, someone comes up to my MIL and says "there were 37 here today, but I am going to count 39 since there are two pregnant ladies".  Ends up another of my hubby's classmates is also pregnant.  Top it off with an unwed mother who has a 6 week old, and I wasn't feeling very safe.    I have to say that I prayed really hard today for God to give us our miracle baby...

I hope all of you had a blessed Easter filled with family, friend and even some Easter eggs filled with chocolate! 

Optimistic?!? and Extreme Couponing

I'm feelilng a bit optimistic...and I hope I can keep it up.  I'm currently waiting for my period to begin.  I know it is going to because my 3 day blood work showed that I wasn't going to ovulate this month.  Hormones are slightly off -- most likely due to a signficant weight loss.  So next month we try Femara again -- and heck, maybe we'll throw in an IUI on the side!  I'd like to be pregnant by my EDD of butterfly baby and this would be perfect timing.  (I had actually hoped to be pregnant again sooner than that). 

Right before I got pregnant last summer/fall, I had signed up for a Yoga for Fertility class, which I went to, letting the instructor know that I was indeed pregnant.  I liked it so much, I signed up for a beginners class (was supposed to be prenatal class, but changed that after the miscarriage).  A couple of months later I went to another Yoga for Fertility class and realized that someone from the beginners class was also at that class.  I feel very fortunate that a connection was made and we met up for coffee after class one night and have supported each other since then.  It's nice to have an IF friend who I feel I can be completely honest (I have another IF friend, but feel a bit weird talking with her about it all) with and who I know isn't judging me.  Our stories were so similar -- TTC for several years, a surprise pregnancy and a subsequent miscarriage.  She recently went through IVF and then miscarriaged -- it was devastating for both of us I think.  In some ways I'm a bit jealous -- we have decided IVF is not for us, but sometimes I wish we could try it just once.  Anyway, talking with this friend has been life saving for me.  She knows just the right things to say.  Unfortunately, it's a sisterhood I think neither of us would like to be a part of.  I have dreams of us getting pregnant at the same time and really enjoying the experience together.  And I'm feeling like it could actually happen...  I'm also excited because I just signed up for another round of weekly yoga classes, after about a 3-4 month break.

On a completely unrelated note, I have been watching (and am watching right now) Extreme Couponing on TLC.  These people are crazy -- who needs 114 bottles of Excederin or toilet paper or deodorant to last for 40 years?  I certainly hope they make some donations to homeless shelters. 

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

Today I should be 34. 5 weeks pregnant.  We should have the nursery completed. I should be exhausted from being this pregnant.  I should be complaining about how everything hurts, aches, etc.  I should be on my way to nesting.  I should be excitedly finalizing names and dreaming about whether it is a boy or a girl. 

Instead, these are all things I am wishing were true, when in reality, our spare bedroom (the someday nursery) is a complete mess that needs attention that I don't have right now, I'm sore and exhausted from yoga class and ongoing depression, I don't have the energy or stamina to clean, and my dreams haunt me with pregnancy, only to wake up to find out it isn't true. 

Instead I am looking at going on Femara again, because, as I predicted, something is not quite right with my hormones (most likely because of the 30 pounds I've lost over the last several months -- about 20% of my weight).  Instead, I have been put on a new antidepressant to deal with my depression and anxiety issues.  Instead, I cuddle other people's new babies and hope and pray that someday I will have one of my own.  Instead, I cry silently inside when friends tell us they are expecting baby #2 and tell us ALL about it... (no, I don't care to know how baby #2 was created). 

Instead, I bury myself in my work and don't talk about the elephant in the room.  It's just easier that way.  Less painful. 

My supposed to be due date is in less than 6 weeks now.  Anyone have any ideas of coping and getting through this day?