A Blog That Took My Breath Away Today

Lots of stuff going on in bloggy world today...good stuff like increasing  betas and first ultrasounds & heartbeats...as well as bad stuff like declining betas and forced breaks.   I am thinking of each and every one of you.

One blog in particular touched me all day long.  A fellow blogger closed her blog about 6 weeks ago and moved on to an adoption blog site.  Maria and T had been trying to have a baby for over 6 years and recently had decided to adopt.  She made a visit back to her fertility blog to give an update...and what an update it was!  (You can see it here)  It gave me chills as I was reading it and  had me in tears (happy ones) off and on all day thinking about Maria, T and their little miracle.

It's stories like these that give me hope...

One of These Things is Not Like the Other

That's the thought that has been hanging heavily on my heart this week.  My whole life I have never really been one who enjoys "standing out from the crowd", but instead have prided myself on fitting in (or at least trying to -- sometimes too hard), but right now I feel like I don't fit in at all.  


It started this weekend -- we went to see some friends who have two young children.  They have moved to a new town and a new house and we were their first non-family visitors.  I know they meant no harm, but I cringed every time they talked about how "you don't want to have carpet in your house when you have kids" or "this is such a great neighborhood -- there are just so many KIDS around."  


It continued that night when we met up with three other couples for a quick dessert.  We are the only ones who don't have any kids...and we are now being lapped by one couple for the second time.  So as the conversation focused on kids,  "don't do thats", "this is what my kid has done lately", etc, I found myself getting more and more exhausted (and sad).  Please don't get me wrong -- I love each of these kids, and I am so blessed by the time we get to spend with them and how much they love us, but sometimes I wish we could have an adult conversation that doesn't revolve around the kids.  


This week it seems like every time I turn around I am seeing yet another pregnant belly, or hearing about a new pregnancy, or someone taking leave or going on bedrest (because of my job I hear a LOT about maternity leaves and complications and answer a LOT of questions about the same).  


But I think the clincher for me was this morning at work when I simply lost it.  One of my teammates had a baby last week, and today, one of my co-workers sent a link to our entire office of the hospital photos that were taken.  While I can handle that, the emails that followed throughout the whole office for the rest of the day were just too much for my fragile heart to handle.  And I lost it.  By myself.  With noone around.  With noone aware of how much this hurts me.  (again, don't get me wrong, I am happy for my co-worker, but also pretty darn jealous).  


This week my baby should be turning 1.  
_____________________________________
I was planning for a big post today to announce the taking of the last birth control pill of our first IVF cycle and the beginning of injections and monitoring and adventures -- oh my!  


A lot can change in 3 weeks.  I'm not sure that first IVF cycle will ever happen.  You see my husband and I had a big fight two nights before my cycle started which resulted in him basically backing out of wanting to proceed with IVF the night before my cycle started (even though he is the one who suggested it in the first place).  So the night before I was to start the bcps, we sat on the couch, sobbing together at the unfairness of IF and our now very differing opinions of where to go next on this journey.  


So it is off to couples therapy we go...but of course we couldn't get an appointment until mid-June, which remarkably is on the same day I see my own therapist -- whom I couldn't get into for 6 weeks from the day I called.  Ridiculous. I mean seriously -- a 6 week wait to see a therapist who I have been a patient of for 2 years now?!?   I am hanging on a hope and a prayer that she will have a cancellation before then.  


I'm not ready to go  into the details, but I feel like I am at a point where I am going to be faced to make a tough decision.  A decision I don't want to have to make.  I have a LOT of hurt in me right now that I can't seem to process quite yet.  So far I have been numb.  I was telling my small infertility peer group that I recently joined about what had transpired and I felt inhuman for not crying as I was saying it.  This is not me -- I am usually the most emotional person in any room that I am in.   I can feel the emotions slowly coming to the surface and am scared as hell as to what is going to happen when they hit hard.  


If there is a silver lining to come out of all of this it is that my husband is the most relaxed I have seen him in a long time.  Meanwhile, I may be the most stressed out I have been in a long time.  


Who knows what the next chapter will bring.  

7 Things...

Much thanks to MelodyT and Ali for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger Award and the Lovely Blogger Award, respectively.  Both awards have the same rules, so here we go...  


Here are the rules:

- Nominate 15 fellow bloggers who are reletively new to blogging.

- Let them  know you have nominated them.

- Share seven random facts about yourself.

- Thank the bloggers that have nominated you.

- Add the Versatile Blogger Award picture to your blog post.

1.  I'm in a career I never thought I would be in and I love it!  I had always intended to go to grad school and get my PhD so I could teach full-time.  A few years ago I had the opportunity to teach full-time and decided after the full-day interview that it wasn't for me.  Glad I didn't spend the money on the PhD, though I love learning, so would still like to take the classes, but not do the research.

2.  I have lived in Australia for 9 months of my life.  I was an exchange student in high school and then went back for a short time in college.  I so want to take my husband there to let him and my Australian host family meet.  

3.  I am horrible at the names, artists, etc and what songs they sing.  I generally don't care.  I just know what I like and don't like.  My brother knows every song, who sang it and what year it came out. It's annoying.

4.  My step sister and I were best friends in high school and set our parents up.  They are still together 17 years later.

5.  I am very claustrophobic.  I can't even watch movies like Apollo 13 because I truly want to hurl.

6.  As of my last birthday, I'm officially older than my mom was when she died.  It's really hard for me to think about that.  

7.  A few years ago I did the 3 day - 60 mile walk to benefit the Komen Foundation.  Life changing experience!  We ended up walking nearly 70 miles...every step!

I'll have to come back later to nominate the 15 other bloggers...as it is time for bed!  

Don't Ignore...How You Feel

I'm a little bit late with this post...last week was Infertility Awareness Week, but I was just off last week.  I can't really explain it other than I was tired, didn't feel like doing anything, and wasn't up to posting...

Last week I was invited to attend the inaugural meeting of an infertility peer group.  I live just outside a state capital and have been sorely disappointed for years that there was nothing of this sort in the community.  A friend of mine (who recently had her baby through IVF) invited me to a group her chiropractor was starting.  It was a lovely gathering of 5 women (plus the chiropractor) who were all on different paths and places in this journey.  It was great just to talk and have feelings validated and feel open.

What I found unusual is that I am a highly emotional person.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  In fact, last week I had tears come to my eyes when I heard of some things going on with people around me.  As I sat in this circle of women struggling with the ups and downs of infertility, I noticed that many of them got very emotional and cried.  I wanted to cry, but I didn't.  As I told my story, I was just matter of fact.

Sadly, I feel like this infertility journey has taken some of the emotion away from me.  I feel hardened by it all.  Like, what is the point of crying anymore?  It's frustrating because sometimes I think I would feel much less stressed if I could just cry it out, scream and shout.

I've been on anti-depressants for many years now, but have never found one that makes me truly feel "normal". In the last 6 months I have started on Zoloft and have felt pretty good, but am now wondering if it has a role in taking my emotions away...

__________________

On another note, I am on cycle day 26.  I'm a 27 - 30 day cycle girl mostly.  I don't have any symptoms yet except EXTREMELY SORE BOOBS!  Like I want to die when I touch them (okay that might be a bit dramatic).  Usually my boobs start to get sore about 4-5 days before my period starts, but this month, they have been extremely sore since 6dpo.  When I mentioned this to my acupuncturist on Thursday night, she also stated I have a "slippery pulse".  Then she told me to not get my hopes up, but this might mean something.  When I went to schedule another appointment she looked at me and said "let me know what you find out this week (whether I get my period or not) and then we will go forward from there.  Then she crossed her fingers and gave me a huge smile.  So, I am obsessively googling "slippery pulse" and compulsively checking everytime I wipe (sometimes wiping just to check -- sorry TMI).

I truly hate these last few days of the cycle.  I've been down this road so many times before wondering and wishing I was pregnant only to be fooled again.  If af is going to show up, I wish she would just do it so I could get start on the bcps for IVF.

Giuliana and Bill?

Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote last.  We've been out of town for a little vacation, so I am working hard to get caught up on everyone's blogs.  


Last week I went out for lunch with my best friend.  During that time, I told her we were going to do IVF.  She has been so incredibly supportive through all of this -- in fact she called me the day of my miscarriage (she didn't even know we were pregnant) just because she "felt like she needed to."  Anyway, she had several questions and stated that the only thing she knew about IVF was from watching Giuliana and Bill.  


I had never watched Giuliana and Bill.  But I remembered that they had recently been in the news when she was diagnosed with breast cancer during a pre-IVF mammogram.  I had been intrigued in their story, but hadn't dug any deeper.


Since I had a lengthy airplane trip coming up, I decided to download seasons 2 & 3 to my iPad.  And I watched several episodes over the flights.  All  I can say is -- good for them, for allowing the media into their very private life and experiences.  There is NO way I would let anyone document this journey for others to see.  


I can't wait to watch more episodes.  I feel like I can really relate to what they are doing.  Sure, they have pretty unlimited resources available to them, and they seem pretty naive about the whole infertility testing, processes, etc, but so was I 5 years ago...


Any of you watch this show?  What are your thoughts?

Oh I've Missed You...A Confession

Today is CD 1.  The good news is in about 28 days we will be off and running on our first and hopefully only IVF cycle.  The bad news is there is only one more month to conceive a "miracle IVF baby".

Ever since we decided to do IVF about 2 months ago, I have been trying to be as healthy as possible.  I'm trying to stress less, go to acupuncture, go to my chiropractor, meditate, etc.   I've also cut down on excess sugar, eat limited dairy and carbs, and have cut out caffeine.  I try to eat one dark leafy green salad each day.  And so far, other than an occasional weak moment of needing french fries, I've done overall pretty good.

The hardest thing to give up for me has been Diet Mountain Dew.  I never have drank a lot of it -- 20 oz or less each day, but I had some everyday.  It's been 5 weeks and 3 days since my last Diet Mt. Dew, or any pop for that matter (do you find it funny that because of IF, we count our weeks and days this way?).  And I still crave it EVERYday.  It's not the caffeine, but the taste.  I struggle with sticking to water, but I want a baby, and will do whatever I have to.

So onto the confession part...I gave in tonight.  I've had part of a bottle of Diet Mt. Dew.  It's been a bit of a rough week so far.  Hubby has been gone a lot lately for work, and when he was home earlier this week we had a fight about...yep...IVF/IF.  Work has been super crazy.  My emotions are frazzled and I am tired all of the time.  Oh, and did I mention that it is CD 1 today?

So I gave in.  And I'm frustrated with myself.  I know it's silly to upset about something so trivial, but it makes me mad I gave in.  That I didn't have the willpower to make it 5 weeks and 4 days.

A Puddle

I just finished watching the season finale of "19 Kids and Counting".  This is the episode when they find out that the baby doesn't have a heartbeat...in the second trimester.

I'm conflicted by a lot of the Duggar's choices in life, but no one (NO ONE) should ever have to go through the experience and pain of losing a baby -- no matter if it is just days after getting that BFP or months into the pregnancy.

So, I have found myself becoming a puddle tonight. It hurts. A lot.  It hurts to be part of this "club" of women who have lost children. (and a part of the IF club too)

If you are part of either of these "clubs", tonight I send you my love and prayers for peace.

It's just not fair.

Randomness...In Bullet Points

Lots of thoughts going through my head lately (maybe that's why I can't sleep).  So today's bulleted post is brought to you by "jumbled thoughts".  

• I read an article this weekend (I think it was in Natural Health or Health) about a woman who was going through infertility.  She made a statement about how 90% of her thoughts everyday were around her infertility, i.e. "if I eat this am I increasing or decreasing my chance of getting pregnant?" or "if I don't do this am I putting my future baby in jeopardy?"  Wow -- I was overcome when I read this.  Primarily because it validated what I feel and my CONSTANT thoughts about decision I have to make on a daily basis.  It also made me feel like maybe I'm not so crazy afterall.  :-)  
• And on that note...I've been trying really hard not to let my decisions overwhelm my every waking moment.  It's so hard.  It's especially hard to not focus on every decision my husband makes, and that's it's probably okay for him to have a drink every now and then.  (maybe I'm just jealous!)  I just feel like I am 100% obsessed with infertility right now and our upcoming IVF. I suppose that's normal, but I really want to be able to relax over the next month or two as we head to the start line.  
• Hubby and I were getting ready to leave to go somewhere today and were walking out to one of our vehicles.  A little boy in our neighborhood (I think he's actually a grandson of one of our neighbors) was riding his bike on the sidewalk and stopped to ask us, "do you have any kids?"  He repeated it over and over, even after we said no.  Nothing like rubbing salt in the wound...especially when it's from a 6 year-old.  
• On a positive note, I've lost another 5 pounds.  I'm almost down to my pre-marriage weight!  Which is good since most people say that the IVF process causes weight gain.
• I'm so nervous that something is going to go wrong with this process -- that for some reason we won't be able to start the cycle afterall when we want to, or that there will be no embryos to transfer, or that I won't produce enough eggs to retrieve.  I'm sure everyone who goes through this process has some of these same thoughts...but seriously -- they are driving me crazy!  
• So my protocol (what makes it unique) is the addition of testosterone.  Hmmmm...wonder what that's going to do to my body?  Hope I don't grow a beard or go through a puberty type of voice change.  Apparently it has had great results, but is a  new addition to IVF protocols.
• I know that I will only produce a certain number of eggs and that they will inject sperm  right into them, but what is a mystery to me is how they choose the sperm they will inject.  Assuming that there are millions of sperm (or even if there were just hundreds or thousands), how do they choose the very few that will be injected into the eggs and who's to say that one sperm might work and another one might not.  Seems like a total crap shoot (an expensive one at that) to me. Just trying to put my arms around this...

On a non-IF note, I can't believe that we are going into the last week of March and sometime this week we will need to mow our lawn.  In the Midwest.  Unbelievable.  I'm really enjoying being able to be out walking and jogging, and that it is still light outside when I leave work at night.  

Happy week to all of you!

One More Step Forward

Thank you to each of you for your thoughts and prayers as we had our IVF appointment with our RE today.  As I mentioned before, I was a bundle of emotions.  I'm pleased to say that the short version is that the meeting went really well and we have a plan in place.  Our time frame is still a bit up in the air, but I think it is likely going to be early May when we start -- about 7 weeks from now!  I felt so prepared for the meeting and everything he talked about because of all of your blogs, stories, experiences, etc.

He thinks I am going to be on the side of a poor responder, so we are doing an aggressive "newer" protocol that they have had success with.  The whole process, from start to finish should take 5-6 weeks.  I'm a bit peeved that I've been categorized as a poor responder based on one set of test results (even though all of my previous test results have been normal/near normal), but this is something I need to let go and hope that I can prove them wrong!  Good thing I'm not competitive at all!

We've already been matched with a nurse who will be our coordinator (I'll call her Nurse Quick Response).  She and I have been emailing back and forth for several weeks now.  I shared with the RE how wonderful my experiences have been so far with Nurse Quick Response.  He stated that she is great, partially because she has been through the process herself.  When he said that, I immediately liked her even more and felt so blessed that we had been matched specifically with her.

He also said that since we are doing a unique protocol, he will have Nurse Quick Response set up a one-on-one IVF orientation with us, instead of having to attend with a larger group.  Yippee!

I have to admit that when we got out of the appointment, I sort of lost it on my way back to work.  I think all of the emotions of anticipation and what we were going to hear got the best of me and let loose.

So, that's it in a nutshell.  It was a very positive experience and really couldn't have gone any better.  Thanks again for all of your kind words and thoughts!  I am truly blessed!

I AM

Suzy, over at Not a Fertile Myrtle, had this on her blog and I thought it was a nice little check in.  I obviously failed BIG time at the photo a day challenge, but still looking for ways to be patient during the wait to start IVF...so here goes.  (if you haven't visited Suzy's blog -- you should!)

I am…  a caring, empathetic, unconditional loving, often naive, sometimes pessimistic, woman who loves to take care of others.


I know… someday I will be a Mom -- and an awesome one at that!


I want… to go on vacation RIGHT NOW!


I wish… noone had to suffer from infertility.


I fear… the loss of those close to me -- family and friends.


I feel… anxious and vulnerable right now.


I smell… the remnants of dinner; dryer sheets.


I hear… Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives on tv, the cat snoring next to me (love that sound!)


I wonder… why people who will be great, loving parents are struggling with infertility.


I believe… in the powerful combination of Eastern and Western medicine to overcome struggles and that test results are just numbers, but God is the one in control and miracles do happen everyday.


I sing… when I am happy or sad, but generally when I am alone (I don't need to subject anyone else to the torture of listening)


I cried last… in the last few days.  A family member of my hubby's is dying and I am really having a hard time with it -- and it strikes me at unexpected times, generally not a full-on cry, but simple tears.


I can usually be found… taking a walk outside on beautiful days like today.


I am happy… when our cat lays on my chest to nap and when I spend time with those I love.


What are {you} today?