Second Verse...Same as the First

If we were talking cycles, the title would be more appropriate as something like "55th verse...same as the first." 

I'm having some deja vu here.  Last year on this exact date, I started what I thought was my period.  Only to have it appear and disappear for the next 2 days and then to disappear completely...prompting me to pee on a stick (which I avoid like the plague generally because I hate the typical outcome).  On September 23, 2010 I found out I was pregnant and fell completely & totally in love already with the baby growing inside me. 

Today, I started spotting which makes me think AF will be coming full force tomorrow.  While I seriously want to hold onto hope that the result could be like last year, my heart of hearts tells me it won't.  And with that I am sad.  So sad.

It's now been one full year (almost) since I found out I was pregnant.  One full year of let downs as AF arrives every month.  One full year of lots of grieving, but appearing to the outside world like nothing is wrong (cause that's what I do).  One full year of unfulfilled dreams.  One full year of increased worry and decreased hope.  One full year of wondering if I will ever get to be a mom to a living baby. 

This sucks and I'm ready for it to be over!