"I'm Fine" and A Story

What is it that always makes me say "I'm fine" when I'm really not? 

Earlier this week, a person in my office made an offhand comment that implied a miscarriage was really no big deal.  I had to walk away from the conversation before I said something potentially inappropriate, but before I knew it I got thinking back to when I had my miscarriage.  It happened on a Thursday, so I was able to take bereavement leave on Thursday and Friday and then return to work on Monday.  I remember being in a fog and when anyone asked me how I was doing for several days, I said "I'm fine" (they all thought I had been out with the flu).  Of course I wasn't. 

Then I thought about how often I say "I'm fine" when really I'm not.  When really, I just want to say "life sucks right now, I got my period today" or "isn't it my luck that the little stick this morning told me I'm ovulating but hubby is out of town -- there goes another month of hopes and dreams"  or "I had to drag myself out of bed today and then was welcomed to the office by my coworker and her ultrasound picture." 

I work in a pretty high profile position in my organization.  I know a lot of employees and I find myself walking down the hallways in the organization smiling and saying "I'm fine" everytime I'm asked.

Sometimes I wish I had the guts to just be honest. 
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So for the last 4 - 5 months, my periods have been horrendous, horrible, miserable.  Lots of cramping, spotting for 2-3 days and then heavy bleeding for another 7, lots of clots passed. (I've always had heavy periods, but these are out of control)  It's happened on both Femara and natural cycles.  So off to the RE I went, who told me what I already knew -- ultrasound (sonohystogram) and bloodwork were needed  to find out what's going on. 

Last Wednesday I went in to be prodded and poked.  The sonohystogram showed no growths in my uterus, but lots of "gunk" (really -- could there have been a better word choice) that my RE a little too happily told me was "cleared out by the saline".  My uterus was declared "boring", which I was assured was a good thing.  Secretly, I had hoped they would find a growth or polyp or something that would quickly explain what was going on and be a potential reason for why I haven't gotten pregnant again since my miscarriage.  I was put on Flagyl for a small infection (nasty nasty little drug).

Next was bloodwork.  I was told one of the tests had to be sent out so I could call to get my results the following Monday or Tuesday.  I called on Tuesday of this week and the nurse left me a voice mail that 2 of the 3 results were back, but they were still waiting on one.  I was away from my desk a lot this week, so decided to give it a couple of days and call back on Thursday.  I called back first thing on Thursday and left a message on the nurse line.  The day proceeded with no return phone call which made me a bit concerned.  Finally at 4:30 their phone number appeared on my cell phone and to my surprise the lab director was on the other line.  Yep, the courier had lost my specimen somewhere between the clinic and the outside lab. 

So off it was to the clinic again today to get the blood redrawn, and the 5 day wait begins again. 

All this, along with the fact that I never got the smiley face on my OPKs this month (but think the digital reader may have had a dying battery), makes me think this may be the month I end up pregnant...

Wouldn't that be ironic???