I've probably had a tendency towards being a jealous person my whole life...jealous of girls and women who had their mom growing up...jealous of athletic girls (being a klutz myself)...jealous of my friends who were getting married when that's what I really wanted...and so on. I know it's not a particularly appealing or flattering trait, but part of who I am. I generally try to keep it under control and I think I do a pretty good job.
But in the last couple of weeks I've been dealing with a bout of jealousy I feel came out of nowhere. I wasn't prepared for it. And I feel really horrible, stupid and frankly, ugly, for feeling jealous in this situation.
I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant and couldn't be happier (yet also scared to death that something bad could happen). While it took us nearly 6 years to get to this point, I'm thrilled to be here. So when a coworker announced a couple of weeks ago that she too was pregnant, it shouldn't have been a big deal, right? I should have instantly been happy for her, right? I should have been prepared for the announcement as she is in her upper 20s and married for a few years, right? Right?
But for some reason, it is a big deal to me, and has caused jealousy to rear her ugly head. You see, this coworker became pregnant "much more quickly than expected" once they started trying. She made the announcement to staff BEFORE she had had an ultrasound -- like weeks before -- who does that and where does that confidence come from? And now it's all about baby talk and talk and talk...while I tend to be pretty low key when talking about the pregnancy at work.
The reason I am most ashamed of the jealousy I feel? I don't want to share this time with her. I waited so long for this to happen and paid my dues, that I wonder why I can't just have this 9 months all to myself.
Yes, I sound like a totally selfish bitch -- I wholeheartedly admit that. Instead of being happy for both of us (which I am, really), I have these large pangs of jealousy, over the confidence she has (which I still don't have) in nothing going wrong, and just having a "normal" conception and pregnancy. Jealousy over the fact that she talks about not really being ready to have a baby, but it happened so much more quickly than she planned.
Jealousy, jealousy, ugly ugly jealousy...
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I love your honesty. I can totally relate. I think all of us suffer or will come to suffer some level of PTSD. Your 6 years trying to conceive took an emotional toll. How could they not? Yes, you are pregnant finally. (So happy for you!) But, it still sucks to hear other women describe the process with such excitement and innocence. You never had that experience. Time heals and your baby will heal you too, but we will all carry scars. Don't be too hard on yourself. I would react the same way, I am sure.
ReplyDeleteFriend of mine when she got pregnant with her second one... She hadn't even peed on a stick yet! She just "knew" she was pregnant. Course she was right that she was... But to not even take a test?? To just "know"... I think her confidence might have hurt more than the fact that she was pregnant again.
ReplyDeleteI wish you didn't feel jealous, it's no fun. But I also really wish you could have these 9months of pregnancy all to yourself! I'm sure I'd end up feeling the same way. *hugs*
I can relate to this, and I bet most of your readers can. So this is really the right place to share those feelings. You may be pregnant (and very pregnant!! 30 weeks: YEAH!), but you are still infertile. And that is where the grief lies, don't you think? I've found that some things have changed since my baby has arrived, but I'm still infertile, and there are still moments of jealousy and grief. Pregnancy just doesn't make the infertility go away.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you
Yeah, I still get those feelings sometimes! When I was pregnant and found out that a friend had gotten pregnant accidentally with her third two weeks before her husband got a vasectomy I couldn't speak to her.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to let go of it sometimes.
I love this post - mostly because it noramaloses everything I felt and still feel when someone says " we got pregnant the first time we tried, we are so excited" My son is 8 months old now, but after 5 miscarriages he is our exception to the rule. I think infertility changes you .And being a pregnant or parenting infertile is a really tough place to be. Good thing we can find support in knowing there are others out there who don't think we are crazy because they experience many of the same thoughts or feelings. Bless you, you are almost there!! Baby will here before you know it. Wishing you all the best.
ReplyDelete*normalizes
ReplyDeleteThose feelings don't make you ugly or shameful. It sounds like you're very aware of them, not lost inside them, not mindlessly treating her badly out of your own unrecognized pain.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can give yourself some credit for that, and give yourself some of the same compassion you're trying to extend to her.
i totally understand. i too thought all the jealousy feelings would go away once pregnant but when people announce they are pregnant and haven't had to go through years of waiting and treatments to get there I get jealous. It sometimes doesn't bother me and then other times I go back to thinking why did I have to go through this to get the same thing as her? I try to remind myself that, while I know all of them will love and appreciate their baby, there is a different kind of perspective that I think we have. A different kind of appreciation and love and try to count that as a blessing when I feel like that.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to these feelings...I'm not pregnant yet but was having anxiety this week over jealousy stuff. My SIL is trying to get preg. and always says how she hopes we'll be at the same time. Deep down inside I would never ever want to share something that took 8+ years to happen. it's a tough thing. try to hang in there. you're not alone. xx
ReplyDeleteDon't judge your own emotions. I think it is totally natural for you to feel a bit of envy that she got what you wanted (and now have) more easily than you did. You had to work hard, and for her it was simple. Let yourself feel your feelings, and then move forward.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on your pregnancy!!!
best,
MOV
I'm able to totally relate with this sort of feeling...I am not expectant however nevertheless was obtaining anxiety this week above envy products. Our SIL is trying to acquire preg. try to says precisely how she expectation we'll be concurrently. Deep down within I might never want to share something that got 8+ many years to happen. it is a challenging point. try and stay. most.
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