Second Verse...Same as the First

If we were talking cycles, the title would be more appropriate as something like "55th verse...same as the first." 

I'm having some deja vu here.  Last year on this exact date, I started what I thought was my period.  Only to have it appear and disappear for the next 2 days and then to disappear completely...prompting me to pee on a stick (which I avoid like the plague generally because I hate the typical outcome).  On September 23, 2010 I found out I was pregnant and fell completely & totally in love already with the baby growing inside me. 

Today, I started spotting which makes me think AF will be coming full force tomorrow.  While I seriously want to hold onto hope that the result could be like last year, my heart of hearts tells me it won't.  And with that I am sad.  So sad.

It's now been one full year (almost) since I found out I was pregnant.  One full year of let downs as AF arrives every month.  One full year of lots of grieving, but appearing to the outside world like nothing is wrong (cause that's what I do).  One full year of unfulfilled dreams.  One full year of increased worry and decreased hope.  One full year of wondering if I will ever get to be a mom to a living baby. 

This sucks and I'm ready for it to be over!

Do you Believe Your Dreams?

I'm currently in the 2 week wait.  This month has been a bit different as I experimented with getting an abdominal fertility massage on day 10.  On day 14, my OPT gave me a smiley face and I went to my normally scheduled acupuncture appointment.  As she placed a needle over my right ovary -- it popped right out!  CRAZY!  She said that has never happened before. The needles over my abdomen were super sensitive and I felt things happening for the whole 45 minutes.  It's now day 18 so I am in my 2ww.  I've also been trying to keep up with my Yoga for Restoring Fertility dvd, though I have not yet developed a routine.

Last night in my dream, I took two pregnancy tests and they both came back positive immediately.  What the heck does that mean?  Is it a sign?  I've dreamt a lot that I was pregnant, but never a positive pregnancy test.  Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

Oh and my boobs are VERY tender and have been since day 15...could this be a sign of strong ovulation?  I've never had that symptom happen so randomly mid-cycle...

This cycle is just a couple of days behind last year's cycle when I was pregnant for 7 glorious weeks.  There is so much emotion with this cycle -- if this isn't the one then I have to admit that a year has passed. 

By the way, the abdominal massage, though odd, felt amazing.  And I've felt lots of things happening in my belly area since then.  I have another one on Monday...

Random Thoughts

My thoughts seem to be scattered all over the place this weekend.  Not sure why...  This past week/weekend has tested my patience in many ways. 

Thursday night I went out with a friend for dinner.  We had walked before that so it was 7:30 or 8 before we even got to the restaurant.  Shortly thereafter, a couple came in with two kids and were seated the next table over.  The kids were 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 and were neither one in good moods (hmmmmm...,maybe because they weren't gonna eat until 8 or 8:30????)  To make a long story short, the kids were whiny and wanted to run around and the parents (who appeared to be in their 40s) didn't seem to know how to handle it.  "Thomas (1 1/2), don't cry right now...mommy wants to eat."  "Thomas, I can't hold you right now, I'm trying to eat."  and my personal favorite, said to the waitress "Do you want to take him home?"  "Thomas, mommy just tried to give you away to the waitress.  Do you want to go home with her?"  Seriously?  You say that to your kid?  It took every fiber of my being to not say anything. 

Saturday I went to get a manicure.  This is not something I indulge in very often, as I am a nail biter and my nails have generally seen better days. I use it more as a reward for myself when my nails actually all grow to the same length at the same time.  I went in, and there were 4 ladies (in their 30s) in the pedicure chairs closeby, as well as a couple of others getting manicures.  The first thing I hear is "Well, I'm gonna have to tell Kelly cause he is gonna wonder why you aren't drinking."  Of course, one of the pedicure girls is pregnant.  Yeah me for choosing this moment to get a nice relaxing manicure.  Come to find out, one of the girls is getting married in 4 weeks and the other 3 were her bridesmaids, having some fun before an evening of partying.  Later it comes out that Miss Pregnant is only 7 weeks along and will be 11 weeks along on the day of the wedding.  I wanted to tell her to not be naive like me, that her world could still come crashing down around her.  Miss Bride was obnoxious the whole time I was there. Her voice was annoying and she needed reassurance on everything -- including how to paint her toenails and fingernails.  At one point the guy doing my nails apologized for her behavior and how loud they were.  But at least my nails look awesome.  :-)

On a good note, I started a new yoga workout today.  I ordered a dvd set on Amazon called "Restoring Fertility".  I have a place I love to go for yoga classes, but unfortunately, for some time now, the times just haven't worked out for me, and living 25 minutes from the studio, it was hard to make it. It is also just once a week, and I would like to practice more often. This dvd consists of 2 cds with 4 different workouts on it.  One for different phases of your cycle -- menstruation, follicular, ovulation and luteal.  Since this is cycle day 5 for me, I started with the menstruation workout.  It was very slow but I think I'm going to like it once I get to the other workouts.  They also had an introduction by the doctor who created the program, talking about how each phase/workout benefits the trying to conceive process.  What have I got to lose?  Now if I can just get in a regular pattern for doing the sessions either before or after work. 

Is it me, or are there pregnant women coming out of the woodwork??? 

Here's to a new week...

Sad

I miss my "baby" so much.  Should she have been born on her due date, she would be 3 months old tomorrow and I would just be returning to work.  (I sensed and dreamed the baby was a girl while pregnant for those precious 7 weeks).

I wear a necklace I bought on Etsy that has a butterfly charm and an emerald stone to always remember my baby in heaven and her official due date month.  Tonight I was out to eat with a friend and the waitress asked me if the emerald was my birthstone.  Just another reminder of what could have/should have been. 

Why?

Why are we infertile? 
Why can a 16 year-old who isn't prepared at all for the world or  a drug addict  have a baby and I can't?
Why is infertility treatment so expensive, invasive and not covered by insurance?
Why are 1 in 8 couples dealing with infertility today when "back in the day" it was babies galore?
Why can't I stop being jealous of every pregnant woman I see?
Why do I live in constant fear that one of my co-workers and/or friends is going to annouce they are pregnant?
Why do I emotionally melt every time one of these announcements is made?
Why can't I get my mind off of this? 
Why can't I just relax about it? (cause we all know that will result in pregnancy)
Why do I have such a hard time talking about infertility with my hubby?
Why can't I bear the thought of us being on different courses with what we do next? (even though I know deep down that we are)
Why does my period seem to play with me every month recently with a few days of spotting and then, just when I've convinced myself that it could be implanatation bleeding, does it start full force?
Why do people ask stupid questions or say stupid things around me in regards to pregnancy, babies and infertility?
Why do I answer "I'm fine" when people ask, when I am really not?
Why is having a baby so easy for some people and so hard for others?
Why can't I control this? 
Why can't I control my emotions?
Why can't I believe it will "just happen" like my husband does? (especially since it happened once)
Why do I bury myself in my work to "avoid" thinking about it?
Why did I have a miscarriage?
Why is adoption so expensive and so risky?
Why can't I have my "take home baby"?
Why do I sometimes think God is sending me a sign that I shouldn't have kids?
Why did I have to grow up without a mom and now I can't be a mom?
Why isn't there a guidebook for this?
Why am I so impatient?
Why can't I know all of the answers?
Why does being infertile take most of the fun out of having sex?
When I talk about infertility, why does everyone say "you would be a great mom!"? 
Why am I mad at God about this?
Why am I mad at everyone and everything about this?
Why can't I be happy with what I DO have, instead of focusing on the sadness of what I don't have?
Why do doctors pressure you into treatment so quickly without looking at the root cause(s)?
Why doesn't someone tell me what we should do, so I don't have to make the decision?
Why do I feel so stuck?

Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why? 

Why me?  Why us?

The Dreaded Question

Monday I realized I was getting a bladder infection.  By Monday evening, it hit full on and I knew it was going to be a long night if I didn't do something about it, so I hit a walk in clinic.  I gave my sample and settled into the room waiting for the results to come in.  The PA (and his student) both examined me...then more waiting.  Never did the dreaded question come up, so I got cocky and thought maybe I'd get through this appointment without hearing it.  Finally they walk in and the PA confirms a bladder infection and gives me a prescriptiion for Cipro.  Then, as I'm about to walk out he asks the question...

wait for it...

"You're not pregnant or trying to get pregnant are you?"

So, I delve into my normal response...

"I'm not that I know of, but I could be." 

So begins the strange looks and more questions. 

"Are you actively trying?  Do you have reason to believe you are pregnant?" 

So I fumble over my words multiple times  "Well I'm not pregnant RIGHT now, but I could be in the proceess of getting pregnant.  I ovulated this weekend, so it is possible."  (in my mind I'm wondering why I even brought it up as the likelihood is so small -- but a girl can hope right?)

"So you ARE actively trying?"

"Yep."  (in my mind I'm thinking "don't even get me started.")

So the prescription gets ripped up and a new safe for pregnancy antibiotic is prescribed.  (and I'm so thankful I will likely never see these two people ever again after fumbling over my words  and looking like a fool)

I then go to a local big box store to get it filled as my normal pharmacy is closed.  And I swear that EVERY pregnant woman in a 15 mile radius is there -- as if to toy with me and my emotions, while it took over a half hour to fill the dang prescription.  Never mind the physical discomfort I was in...the emotional discomfort was much worse. 

All in a Monday night...

Blessings

I was recently introduced to this song by Laura Story and can't get enough of it.  I think it speaks to everything that I am hoping for along this journey -- that among all of the tears, sleepless nights and lonliness, there are blessings waiting for me...whether on this journey or my heavenly one. 

I've been doubting God's presence in this journey recently, but that's another post all on it's own. 

I hope the lyrics to this bring you some peace in this bumpy IF journey as well...

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can’t satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?
http://www.lyricshall.com/lyrics/Laura+Story/Blessings/

And if you want to listen to the song, here's the link.  It's so beautiful! 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGmKC34UZ68

CD 1 and an Unexpected Demon

I thought this might be the month.  In the previous two months I've been on Femara again, I've always started spotting on cycle day 26 or 27 with full bleeding by day 28 or 29.  This month I had nothing up until day 30, giving me lots of hope.  But I started spotting last night and continued today so guessing cycle day 1 (full flow) is gonna be tomorrow.  Hubby and I have decided to take a break this month from the Femara -- I just can't think it is healthy to be on it for more than 3 months in a row. I also don't like what it is doing to my period -- with this spotting then starting a couple of days later, making the whole process 8-9 days long.  Ugh... I guess that is the "hate to take drugs and wonder what they all do to my body" in me speaking.  I'm also hoping it will just take some of the pressure off for me as well this next month (self-imposed pressure). 

Of course, who knows?  When I was pregnant last year, I had similar spotting to this...so I'm not giving up hope quite yet. 

I'm dealing with a different demon right now, that is hitting me a lot harder than I ever expected it would.  You see, I turn 36 next month (how did that happen???).  My mom died when she was 36.  Now, I'm not expecting to die in this next year, but it's still making me crazy emotional (and I just don't need to add Femara craziness to that as well next month -- that drug makes me super emotional!). 

It's a busy week, so it's goodnight for tonight.  I hope to get into a better habit of blogging this next month as well. 

Grrrrrrrrr....

I hate it when people who know we are going through this fertility journey, talk about getting pregnant and their upcoming plans (because it's so easy for them) in front of me. 

Yesterday was my due date...and I got my period...awesome! 

Have a great long weekend everyone.

A-Zs

A. Age when you started TTC: a bit over 31

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Just sex -- good old fashioned sex

C. Children wanted:  I'd love two or three, but at this point, one would be awesome

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children:  1 cat

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Prenatal vitamins,  Fish Oil, Vitex (Chasteberry), Blood Booster, Women's Precious (Chinese Herb)

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken:  Clomid, Femara

G. Gain: I recently lost 30 pounds

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Uncomfortable, but the grossest part was the dye oozing out of my body for 24 hours afterwards...ick.

I. Infertile Pet Peeves:  Lack of insurance coverage for infertility and people who know our story but are completely insensitive.

J. Job title: I work in healthcare...

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Not too worried -- we're a bit old fashioned going with family names.  Totally not into the trendy names many of our family members and friends have gone with...

L. Length of time TTC: 4 years and 6 months

M. Miscarriages: Blighted ovum at 7 weeks

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: None -- we really only have one choice for an RE and he is really quite awesome. 

O. Ovarian quality: FSH levels indicate it is okay, but was told wouldn't know for certain unless we did IVF which we are not doing.

P. POAS or wait for AF: I hate POAS, so wait for AF

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: Heard just last night..."You guys can go out like this anytime you want to and don't have to worry about paying a babysitter." 

S. Sperm: We have swimmers 

T. Time you tried naturally: Lots, we've just done about 6 medicated cycles (3 of those with IUIs).  otherwise au natural...

U. Uterus quality: My RE called it "boring" which he stated was a good thing during my hydrosonogram last summer.

V. Vagina: I have one... 

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: We have a baby backpack/stroller that we bought three of about 4 years ago -- two of them were for friends who were pregnant at the time.  They were on sale at about 90% off.

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? Our parents, one of our siblings and a couple of friends.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?):  Yes, but it's nice to not be on a "birth control schedule" of when I have to see her.  It's probably been a year and a half...

Z. Zits: Thought they would go away by age 25...boy was I wrong!