First Blogger Award!

Thanks to Rebecca for my first blog award!  Go visit her blog!  She just got GREAT news!


Similar to the Liebster Blog Award, certain rules also apply in receiving this award:

• Thank the person who passed the award on to you.
• List 7 things that people may not know about you.
• Pass the award to 15 other bloggers and don't forget to notify them as well.  The hard part is trying to pick 15 bloggers not chosen by others. Feel free to ignore my nomination if you received it from someone else :)

Here are my nominees who's blogs I love following:

Jen @ The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita

Jen @ The Road Less Traveled

M @ A Miracle for Us

Jenna @ Among the Blossoms

Mel @ Believe in Miracles

PCOSChick @ His and Her Infertility - Like the Matching Towels

Kibou YumeAi @ Kibou YumeAi

Maria @ Mission:  Fertile Seoul

Jo @ MoJo Working

Rebecca @ Trying Not to Scream

Mommy-in-Waiting @ Waiting for our Miracle

Angie @ Random Thoughts From Angie

Joey @ The Childless Mom

Suzy @ Not a Fertile Myrtle

Rebecca @ The Road from There to Here



Since I am also doing the 30 day Blog Challenge, and today's question is:  Day 5 - 15 facts about yourself, I am going to combine the two.

Here we go:

1.  I met my husband online. Yep, we're "that" couple.

2.  Feet gross me out.  I've gotten better over the years.  I used to not be able to paint my toenails or wear open toed shoes.

3.  Speaking of shoes, I HATE shoe & purse shopping.  I'd rather spend the money on something like a new pair of jeans or a sweater.

4.  I'm a pretty frugal person, but love buying for and spoiling important people in my life. Especially our nieces and nephews.
5.  I'm very picky about grammar and sentence structure. I proofread just about everything -- including books and the newspaper!

6.  I crave milk after I exercise.

7.  I once walked 60 miles over the course of 3 days to raise money for Susan G. Komen.  Life changing experience!

8.  I believe massages should be covered by health insurance.

9.  One of my proudest accomplishments is getting and paying for a masters degree while working full-time (and traveling a bunch for work).  No loans.

10.   I am doing a job I never imagined I would do in a field I never imagined I would be in -- and I LOVE it!
11.  That being said, I would love to be a house wife (and mom)...like June Cleaver.  Seriously. 
12.  I love to read, but it is generally fiction that I don't have to think too much about.

13.  I suffer from frequent bouts of insomnia -- my mind just doesn't shut off (which leads back to the importance of #8)

14.  My dad is my hero. 

15.  I came very close to failing Spanish in college -- languages just aren't my thing.

So there you have it.  Looking forward to reading the lists of you other ladies...

Two Days Rolled Into One!

I was a busy girl yesterday deep cleaning our bedroom and then hitting a show with some of my girl pals, so I didn't get to my 30 day blog challenge.  So today I will answer two questions:
Day 3 - What's in your makeup bag?
Day 4 - If you won the lottery what would you blow your money on (after charity and bills, of course) list 10 material possessions you would buy for yourself.
My make-up bag/drawer is pretty unexciting.  I don't buy any of the expensive Clinique/Mac/Lancome type stuff.  I buy most of my make-up at Ulta and things like eye liner and blush are Ulta brand.  I love Revlon's cream eye shadow.  Not much of a mascara wearer and can't find a lipstick color that works for me to save my life!   I grew up with my dad and brother...it's amazing I wear make-up at all...

The 10 things I would buy for myself:

1.  A huge kitchen, with a moderate house around it.  I love to entertain...and cook!

2.  A massage therapist to be available whenever needed!

3.  An iPad -- actually 2 -- one for me and one for my husband cause I'm not a great sharer!

4.  A shopping spree at The Limited -- love that place!

5.  A cottage in the mountains to get away to

6.  Tickets for a Mediterranean cruise (on a small less than 100 people cruise ship)

7.  A huge scrapbooking room that is big enough to host several friends

8.  Land (to build the modest house with the huge kitchen and scrapbooking room) to be able to grow our own organic fruits and vegetables to last us all year long, as well as to have local organic meats delivered to us.

9.  A chartered plane available to visit my brother, sister-in-law and niece, as well as friends who live too far away to see often, and to bring them to us.

10.  A customized piece of jewelry for all of the special women in my life!

Want to join us for the rest of the challenge?  Check it out at: 

Day 2 of the 30 Day Blog Challenge

Today's Question:  Day 2 - What's in your handbag?

Usually a bit of a mess!  I've got the typical...wallet, phone, lip gloss (Burt's Bees is my fav), bottle of Tylenol, kleenex, lotion, sunglasses, nail file, Tums.  But I also have some unusual...like a flash drive.  Here's the pic...

The best part of my purse is the color -- purple -- my favorite!  I have to admit, I am not a "change your purse for the outfit/occasion" kinda gal.  I usually use a purse until it wears out completely  And I have NEVER bought a Coach purse -- I always buy on sale.  (I do have a Coach wristlet and card holder that was given to me as a gift).  I'd rather spend my money on something else like a great sweater or pair of jeans.  This summer I visited a friend in Indiana and she introduced me to Vera Bradley, thus the wallet. 

Want to join in the fun of this blog challenge?  Check it out at: 

or see my post from yesterday for a complete list of the questions.  Coming up tomorrow -- what's in my makeup bag. 

I'm Still Here & Blog Challenge

Hi ladies!  I've been missing in action for awhile.  No real reason -- I feel like I have so much to say, but not much worth saying.  I've been keeping up on my blog following though and am thinking of all of you. 

I have to say I'm not much in the Christmas spirit this year.  Not sure if I'm even going to do a tree.  Each year the goal I've set for myself is to be pregnant by Christmas.  This will mark the 4th Christmas I haven't been pregnant (it's actually 5 but the first year doesn't count since we just started TTC in December of that year).  Last year I thought it was to be, but it wasn't.  Just feeling pretty blah about the whole thing right now. 

On a brighter note, Rebecca over at Prenatals and Pink Lipgloss is currently in her 2ww after IVF.  She has put a blog challenge out there, so in order to get me blogging more consistently, I am going to do my best to participate. 

Here are the 30 days of questions: 
Day 1 - What is the meaning behind your blog name?
Day 2 - What's in your handbag?
Day 3 - What's in your makeup bag?
Day 4 - If you won the lottery what would you blow your money on (after charity and bills, of course) list 10 material possessions you would buy for yourself.
Day 5 - 15 facts about yourself.
Day 6- A picture of something that makes you happy.
Day 7 - Where do you like to shop?
Day 8 - Describe your dream vacation.
Day 9 - List 5 things you want to do before you die.
Day 10 - What is your favorite book?
Day 11 - If you could have 3 wishes, what would they be?
Day 12 - List 5 pet peeves.
Day 13 - List 5 guilty pleasures.
Day 14 - Put your iPad on shuffle.  List the first 10 songs that play.
Day 15 - Show your favorite outfit or fashion pieces.
Day 16 - How did you and your partner decide when you were ready to start trying to conceive?
Day 17 - Discuss the most ridiculous thing you ever heard about conception. Where did you hear it? Did it work for someone else? Did you try it?
Day 18 - Besides Mothers Day, what is the hardest holiday for you as an infertile?
Day 19 - Write a letter (one that you never have to send) to a fertile in your life. Did they hurt you? Support you? Tell them how you feel, all the things you can’t bring yourself to say in person.
Day 20 - Discuss how you found your way into the ALI community, and what being part of it has meant to you – good and bad.
Day 21 - If you had gotten pregnant that first month you started trying, how would you have been a different parent? What changes have you made to your parenting style (either current or future) in the time you spent trying to conceive?
Day 22 - What was the first baby or pregnancy-related purchase you ever made? Was it before or after you started trying to conceive? Or was it after you were already pregnant?  Why did you choose that particular item to buy first? If you haven’t purchased anything yet, why not?
Day 23 - Talk about how you chose your RE.
Day 24 - If a very observant stranger were to walk into your house, what clues could lead them to believe that you have struggled with infertility?
Day 25 - Have you ever bonded with someone IRL over infertility?
Day 26 - Were you the product of infertility? Was anyone you know the product of infertility? How do you know? Or do you just suspect based on circumstances like age differences between siblings, time between marriage and conception, etc.
Day 27 - Talk about a time when you made someone in your life understand more about infertility.
Day 28 - What do you use the “nursery” for right now? If you already had a baby, what did you use it for before pregnancy?
Day 29 - If you had known that you would have trouble conceiving, what would you have done differently in life? If you already knew, did that knowledge affect your other life choices?
Day 30 -Tell us about a friendship you lost or a relationship that changed for the worse because of infertility.

Today's question is Day 1 - What is the meaning behind your blog name?
I have always been an extremely emotional person -- since I was a child.  On the StrengthsFinder, Empathy is my number one strength, so not only am I emotional about things in my own life, but I also take on the concerns and issues of others as my own.  I'm usually pretty good at putting on a "good front" (I've been told that by everyone from my hubby to my therapist), but this journey has taken my emotions to a whole new level and oftentimes makes me feel a bit bipolar, as my emotions change very very quickly. 

Hope some of you will join us for this challenge.  More tomorrow...

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

The Good:

• I've lost 5 more pounds in the last week or two -- yeah!!!  I'm now down to about 7 - 10 to go to get to my goal weight (which is also my pre-married weight).  I've seriously tried to watch what I put in my mouth and not just eat to eat.  I've also tried to stay "cleaner" when eating -- less processed junk. 
• In going along with that, I'm down to 1 can of diet pop a day.  Not sure if/when I can give it up completely...I did when I was pregnant last year.
• It's getting colder, so it's time for hot drinks.  Besides hot apple cider and an occassional peppermint hot chocolate from Starbucks, I love Caribou Coffee's Hot Cinnamon Spice tea.  The only bummer is you can only order it online so I just bought myself a stash.  I'm not a coffee drinker, and not terribly found of plain tea either.  This doesn't really taste like tea at all and it smells heavenly!  And it is full of cinnamon -- which both my acupuncturist and naturopath suggest to kick my kidneys into action on the reproductive front.
• We got to watch our 1 year-old goddaughter yesterday for a couple of hours.  She took to me quickly and didn't even cry when mom and dad left. 
• I got to spend the day today with my dad working on his rental property, getting it ready for new tenants.  Always fun to spend the day with my dad. 

The Bad:

• It's Sunday night already -- seriously -- how does the weekend go so darn fast?
• It's trick-or-treat night.  Most of the kids are adorable and polite.  However, my pet peeve is kids who don't say thank you and instead their parents yell it from the sidewalk or car (and these kids are old enough to be able to say it themselves).  Of course, this also makes me sad because both my hubby and I are home to hand out candy instead of one of us being out with our child(ren) and one of us at home.  Our child should be 5 months old now...and celebrating their first Halloween.
• Yesterday was the last farmer's market of the season.  This means winter is truly on it's way.
• Watching my hubby with our goddaughter last night nearly ripped my heart out.  He's natural dad material. 
• Two more pregnancy announcements this past week, bringing the grand total up to 3 in the last 10 days.  They say things happen in threes, so I hope we are done for awhile.  Of course, I am thrilled for all three of them (one is an IRL infertile friend I met through yoga), but I'm also sad for me.  One of them is a co-worker so already putting on the armour for shielding myself from all of the pregnancy talk around the office -- "how far along are you", "how are you feeling", etc, etc, etc.  I suppose it would be rude to keep my office door closed for the next 6 months?

The Ugly

• My emotions.  Truly.  Not sure how anyone puts up with me these days.  I'm truly just pissed off at the whole world, and watch out if you catch me at a bad moment.  I'm feeling a bit passive aggressive and not at all talkative ... not a stellar combination.  Add in a bad case of insomnia, a neverending dialogue in my head, and it is a recipe for disaster.  I'm honestly thankful  my husband still seems to love me. 

MIA and Breaking Point

We've been on a little vacation...okay, a pretty long one...and it was nice.  We saw a lot of sights.  I'm not quite ready to be back in real life yet. 

Today I started spotting out of the blue...no warning...no cramping, no headache, slightly sore boobs, but not the usual signs of pending AF.  AF is due this week, so I'm not terribly surprised, but usually "feel" it coming on.  I hate this day or two that I spot before things start full-on.  It gives me hope that maybe this is like the month I found out I was pregnant and the spotting will miraculously stop. 

It's been coming on for quite some time now...but I feel myself reaching the breaking point of this whole TTC thing.  Frankly, I've reached the point where I am ready to throw my hands up in the air and say "okay universe -- you win!" 

Next month is the 5 year mark of throwing away the birth control pills.  This month is the one year mark of my miscarriage.  One year and we're still in the same place.  Maybe this is God's way of telling me I'm not supposed to be a parent.  Sometimes I look around at what's going on in the world and wonder if I really want to bring a child into this.  I told my husband tonight that I have lost all hope, there is really none left.  This is a new low for me.

We have a  couple who are about our age and don't have children.  We've never talked about if they or we are TTC and my husband and I made the assumption they would not have children.  Yet, everytime we go out with them, I wonder if this will be the time they tell us they are pregnant.  Once I see her have a drink,  I can relax a little bit.  The good news is, after seeing them this week, I no longer have to wonder if this will be the time they will tell us they are pregnant, because they are.  It's out in the open now.  And while I am very happy for them -- they will be great parents -- selfishly I am sad for me.  And I feel horrible that I can't be 100% happy for them and just for them.

It's frustrating -- no one in my real life seems to get it.  What it's like to worry everytime you go out with friends (a variety of them) and worry that they are going to make "the big announcement".  Or to sit in a meeting at work and watch a woman rub her pregnant belly.  Or to watch other couples "lap" you, sometimes even twice, in the baby process.  Noone understands why I am obsessed about this, and can't stop.  My husband just looks at me with sad eyes...he doesn't even know what to say. 

And the Winner is...

Thanks ladies for the words of wisdom that have been shared with you through your IF journey.  I am trying to make each of them part of my journey too. 

So I threw the numbers into random.org and the winner of "Fully Fertile" is....#2  Mommy-in-Waiting. Please email me your address at ajourneyofemotions(at)gmail(dot)com and I will get the book sent to you! 

Here's to a great week!

First Giveaway!

Awhile back I ordered the book "Fully Fertile" from Amazon after my yoga instructor recommended it.  I ended up getting two copies (I live in a small town and sadly our mail often gets delivered to others in the neighborhood and may not show up until days or weeks later -- which is what happened with the first copy of the book).  Anyway, I have no need for two books, so I am going to give one away as my first blog giveaway! 

To be eligible to win, simply leave me a comment of the BEST piece of fertility advice you have received and from whom.  It could be a tip, trick, coping strategy -- whatever.  I think it's fair to say we all hear our share of "stupid comments" in regards to fertility/infertility, so let's focus on the best thing we've ever heard.  Can't wait to hear what everyone has to say!

A winner will be randomly selected on Sunday, October 2, with the book sent shortly thereafter. 

Second Verse...Same as the First

If we were talking cycles, the title would be more appropriate as something like "55th verse...same as the first." 

I'm having some deja vu here.  Last year on this exact date, I started what I thought was my period.  Only to have it appear and disappear for the next 2 days and then to disappear completely...prompting me to pee on a stick (which I avoid like the plague generally because I hate the typical outcome).  On September 23, 2010 I found out I was pregnant and fell completely & totally in love already with the baby growing inside me. 

Today, I started spotting which makes me think AF will be coming full force tomorrow.  While I seriously want to hold onto hope that the result could be like last year, my heart of hearts tells me it won't.  And with that I am sad.  So sad.

It's now been one full year (almost) since I found out I was pregnant.  One full year of let downs as AF arrives every month.  One full year of lots of grieving, but appearing to the outside world like nothing is wrong (cause that's what I do).  One full year of unfulfilled dreams.  One full year of increased worry and decreased hope.  One full year of wondering if I will ever get to be a mom to a living baby. 

This sucks and I'm ready for it to be over!

Do you Believe Your Dreams?

I'm currently in the 2 week wait.  This month has been a bit different as I experimented with getting an abdominal fertility massage on day 10.  On day 14, my OPT gave me a smiley face and I went to my normally scheduled acupuncture appointment.  As she placed a needle over my right ovary -- it popped right out!  CRAZY!  She said that has never happened before. The needles over my abdomen were super sensitive and I felt things happening for the whole 45 minutes.  It's now day 18 so I am in my 2ww.  I've also been trying to keep up with my Yoga for Restoring Fertility dvd, though I have not yet developed a routine.

Last night in my dream, I took two pregnancy tests and they both came back positive immediately.  What the heck does that mean?  Is it a sign?  I've dreamt a lot that I was pregnant, but never a positive pregnancy test.  Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

Oh and my boobs are VERY tender and have been since day 15...could this be a sign of strong ovulation?  I've never had that symptom happen so randomly mid-cycle...

This cycle is just a couple of days behind last year's cycle when I was pregnant for 7 glorious weeks.  There is so much emotion with this cycle -- if this isn't the one then I have to admit that a year has passed. 

By the way, the abdominal massage, though odd, felt amazing.  And I've felt lots of things happening in my belly area since then.  I have another one on Monday...