The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

The Good:

• I've lost 5 more pounds in the last week or two -- yeah!!!  I'm now down to about 7 - 10 to go to get to my goal weight (which is also my pre-married weight).  I've seriously tried to watch what I put in my mouth and not just eat to eat.  I've also tried to stay "cleaner" when eating -- less processed junk. 
• In going along with that, I'm down to 1 can of diet pop a day.  Not sure if/when I can give it up completely...I did when I was pregnant last year.
• It's getting colder, so it's time for hot drinks.  Besides hot apple cider and an occassional peppermint hot chocolate from Starbucks, I love Caribou Coffee's Hot Cinnamon Spice tea.  The only bummer is you can only order it online so I just bought myself a stash.  I'm not a coffee drinker, and not terribly found of plain tea either.  This doesn't really taste like tea at all and it smells heavenly!  And it is full of cinnamon -- which both my acupuncturist and naturopath suggest to kick my kidneys into action on the reproductive front.
• We got to watch our 1 year-old goddaughter yesterday for a couple of hours.  She took to me quickly and didn't even cry when mom and dad left. 
• I got to spend the day today with my dad working on his rental property, getting it ready for new tenants.  Always fun to spend the day with my dad. 

The Bad:

• It's Sunday night already -- seriously -- how does the weekend go so darn fast?
• It's trick-or-treat night.  Most of the kids are adorable and polite.  However, my pet peeve is kids who don't say thank you and instead their parents yell it from the sidewalk or car (and these kids are old enough to be able to say it themselves).  Of course, this also makes me sad because both my hubby and I are home to hand out candy instead of one of us being out with our child(ren) and one of us at home.  Our child should be 5 months old now...and celebrating their first Halloween.
• Yesterday was the last farmer's market of the season.  This means winter is truly on it's way.
• Watching my hubby with our goddaughter last night nearly ripped my heart out.  He's natural dad material. 
• Two more pregnancy announcements this past week, bringing the grand total up to 3 in the last 10 days.  They say things happen in threes, so I hope we are done for awhile.  Of course, I am thrilled for all three of them (one is an IRL infertile friend I met through yoga), but I'm also sad for me.  One of them is a co-worker so already putting on the armour for shielding myself from all of the pregnancy talk around the office -- "how far along are you", "how are you feeling", etc, etc, etc.  I suppose it would be rude to keep my office door closed for the next 6 months?

The Ugly

• My emotions.  Truly.  Not sure how anyone puts up with me these days.  I'm truly just pissed off at the whole world, and watch out if you catch me at a bad moment.  I'm feeling a bit passive aggressive and not at all talkative ... not a stellar combination.  Add in a bad case of insomnia, a neverending dialogue in my head, and it is a recipe for disaster.  I'm honestly thankful  my husband still seems to love me. 

MIA and Breaking Point

We've been on a little vacation...okay, a pretty long one...and it was nice.  We saw a lot of sights.  I'm not quite ready to be back in real life yet. 

Today I started spotting out of the blue...no warning...no cramping, no headache, slightly sore boobs, but not the usual signs of pending AF.  AF is due this week, so I'm not terribly surprised, but usually "feel" it coming on.  I hate this day or two that I spot before things start full-on.  It gives me hope that maybe this is like the month I found out I was pregnant and the spotting will miraculously stop. 

It's been coming on for quite some time now...but I feel myself reaching the breaking point of this whole TTC thing.  Frankly, I've reached the point where I am ready to throw my hands up in the air and say "okay universe -- you win!" 

Next month is the 5 year mark of throwing away the birth control pills.  This month is the one year mark of my miscarriage.  One year and we're still in the same place.  Maybe this is God's way of telling me I'm not supposed to be a parent.  Sometimes I look around at what's going on in the world and wonder if I really want to bring a child into this.  I told my husband tonight that I have lost all hope, there is really none left.  This is a new low for me.

We have a  couple who are about our age and don't have children.  We've never talked about if they or we are TTC and my husband and I made the assumption they would not have children.  Yet, everytime we go out with them, I wonder if this will be the time they tell us they are pregnant.  Once I see her have a drink,  I can relax a little bit.  The good news is, after seeing them this week, I no longer have to wonder if this will be the time they will tell us they are pregnant, because they are.  It's out in the open now.  And while I am very happy for them -- they will be great parents -- selfishly I am sad for me.  And I feel horrible that I can't be 100% happy for them and just for them.

It's frustrating -- no one in my real life seems to get it.  What it's like to worry everytime you go out with friends (a variety of them) and worry that they are going to make "the big announcement".  Or to sit in a meeting at work and watch a woman rub her pregnant belly.  Or to watch other couples "lap" you, sometimes even twice, in the baby process.  Noone understands why I am obsessed about this, and can't stop.  My husband just looks at me with sad eyes...he doesn't even know what to say. 

And the Winner is...

Thanks ladies for the words of wisdom that have been shared with you through your IF journey.  I am trying to make each of them part of my journey too. 

So I threw the numbers into random.org and the winner of "Fully Fertile" is....#2  Mommy-in-Waiting. Please email me your address at ajourneyofemotions(at)gmail(dot)com and I will get the book sent to you! 

Here's to a great week!

First Giveaway!

Awhile back I ordered the book "Fully Fertile" from Amazon after my yoga instructor recommended it.  I ended up getting two copies (I live in a small town and sadly our mail often gets delivered to others in the neighborhood and may not show up until days or weeks later -- which is what happened with the first copy of the book).  Anyway, I have no need for two books, so I am going to give one away as my first blog giveaway! 

To be eligible to win, simply leave me a comment of the BEST piece of fertility advice you have received and from whom.  It could be a tip, trick, coping strategy -- whatever.  I think it's fair to say we all hear our share of "stupid comments" in regards to fertility/infertility, so let's focus on the best thing we've ever heard.  Can't wait to hear what everyone has to say!

A winner will be randomly selected on Sunday, October 2, with the book sent shortly thereafter. 

Second Verse...Same as the First

If we were talking cycles, the title would be more appropriate as something like "55th verse...same as the first." 

I'm having some deja vu here.  Last year on this exact date, I started what I thought was my period.  Only to have it appear and disappear for the next 2 days and then to disappear completely...prompting me to pee on a stick (which I avoid like the plague generally because I hate the typical outcome).  On September 23, 2010 I found out I was pregnant and fell completely & totally in love already with the baby growing inside me. 

Today, I started spotting which makes me think AF will be coming full force tomorrow.  While I seriously want to hold onto hope that the result could be like last year, my heart of hearts tells me it won't.  And with that I am sad.  So sad.

It's now been one full year (almost) since I found out I was pregnant.  One full year of let downs as AF arrives every month.  One full year of lots of grieving, but appearing to the outside world like nothing is wrong (cause that's what I do).  One full year of unfulfilled dreams.  One full year of increased worry and decreased hope.  One full year of wondering if I will ever get to be a mom to a living baby. 

This sucks and I'm ready for it to be over!

Do you Believe Your Dreams?

I'm currently in the 2 week wait.  This month has been a bit different as I experimented with getting an abdominal fertility massage on day 10.  On day 14, my OPT gave me a smiley face and I went to my normally scheduled acupuncture appointment.  As she placed a needle over my right ovary -- it popped right out!  CRAZY!  She said that has never happened before. The needles over my abdomen were super sensitive and I felt things happening for the whole 45 minutes.  It's now day 18 so I am in my 2ww.  I've also been trying to keep up with my Yoga for Restoring Fertility dvd, though I have not yet developed a routine.

Last night in my dream, I took two pregnancy tests and they both came back positive immediately.  What the heck does that mean?  Is it a sign?  I've dreamt a lot that I was pregnant, but never a positive pregnancy test.  Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

Oh and my boobs are VERY tender and have been since day 15...could this be a sign of strong ovulation?  I've never had that symptom happen so randomly mid-cycle...

This cycle is just a couple of days behind last year's cycle when I was pregnant for 7 glorious weeks.  There is so much emotion with this cycle -- if this isn't the one then I have to admit that a year has passed. 

By the way, the abdominal massage, though odd, felt amazing.  And I've felt lots of things happening in my belly area since then.  I have another one on Monday...

Random Thoughts

My thoughts seem to be scattered all over the place this weekend.  Not sure why...  This past week/weekend has tested my patience in many ways. 

Thursday night I went out with a friend for dinner.  We had walked before that so it was 7:30 or 8 before we even got to the restaurant.  Shortly thereafter, a couple came in with two kids and were seated the next table over.  The kids were 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 and were neither one in good moods (hmmmmm...,maybe because they weren't gonna eat until 8 or 8:30????)  To make a long story short, the kids were whiny and wanted to run around and the parents (who appeared to be in their 40s) didn't seem to know how to handle it.  "Thomas (1 1/2), don't cry right now...mommy wants to eat."  "Thomas, I can't hold you right now, I'm trying to eat."  and my personal favorite, said to the waitress "Do you want to take him home?"  "Thomas, mommy just tried to give you away to the waitress.  Do you want to go home with her?"  Seriously?  You say that to your kid?  It took every fiber of my being to not say anything. 

Saturday I went to get a manicure.  This is not something I indulge in very often, as I am a nail biter and my nails have generally seen better days. I use it more as a reward for myself when my nails actually all grow to the same length at the same time.  I went in, and there were 4 ladies (in their 30s) in the pedicure chairs closeby, as well as a couple of others getting manicures.  The first thing I hear is "Well, I'm gonna have to tell Kelly cause he is gonna wonder why you aren't drinking."  Of course, one of the pedicure girls is pregnant.  Yeah me for choosing this moment to get a nice relaxing manicure.  Come to find out, one of the girls is getting married in 4 weeks and the other 3 were her bridesmaids, having some fun before an evening of partying.  Later it comes out that Miss Pregnant is only 7 weeks along and will be 11 weeks along on the day of the wedding.  I wanted to tell her to not be naive like me, that her world could still come crashing down around her.  Miss Bride was obnoxious the whole time I was there. Her voice was annoying and she needed reassurance on everything -- including how to paint her toenails and fingernails.  At one point the guy doing my nails apologized for her behavior and how loud they were.  But at least my nails look awesome.  :-)

On a good note, I started a new yoga workout today.  I ordered a dvd set on Amazon called "Restoring Fertility".  I have a place I love to go for yoga classes, but unfortunately, for some time now, the times just haven't worked out for me, and living 25 minutes from the studio, it was hard to make it. It is also just once a week, and I would like to practice more often. This dvd consists of 2 cds with 4 different workouts on it.  One for different phases of your cycle -- menstruation, follicular, ovulation and luteal.  Since this is cycle day 5 for me, I started with the menstruation workout.  It was very slow but I think I'm going to like it once I get to the other workouts.  They also had an introduction by the doctor who created the program, talking about how each phase/workout benefits the trying to conceive process.  What have I got to lose?  Now if I can just get in a regular pattern for doing the sessions either before or after work. 

Is it me, or are there pregnant women coming out of the woodwork??? 

Here's to a new week...

Sad

I miss my "baby" so much.  Should she have been born on her due date, she would be 3 months old tomorrow and I would just be returning to work.  (I sensed and dreamed the baby was a girl while pregnant for those precious 7 weeks).

I wear a necklace I bought on Etsy that has a butterfly charm and an emerald stone to always remember my baby in heaven and her official due date month.  Tonight I was out to eat with a friend and the waitress asked me if the emerald was my birthstone.  Just another reminder of what could have/should have been. 

Why?

Why are we infertile? 
Why can a 16 year-old who isn't prepared at all for the world or  a drug addict  have a baby and I can't?
Why is infertility treatment so expensive, invasive and not covered by insurance?
Why are 1 in 8 couples dealing with infertility today when "back in the day" it was babies galore?
Why can't I stop being jealous of every pregnant woman I see?
Why do I live in constant fear that one of my co-workers and/or friends is going to annouce they are pregnant?
Why do I emotionally melt every time one of these announcements is made?
Why can't I get my mind off of this? 
Why can't I just relax about it? (cause we all know that will result in pregnancy)
Why do I have such a hard time talking about infertility with my hubby?
Why can't I bear the thought of us being on different courses with what we do next? (even though I know deep down that we are)
Why does my period seem to play with me every month recently with a few days of spotting and then, just when I've convinced myself that it could be implanatation bleeding, does it start full force?
Why do people ask stupid questions or say stupid things around me in regards to pregnancy, babies and infertility?
Why do I answer "I'm fine" when people ask, when I am really not?
Why is having a baby so easy for some people and so hard for others?
Why can't I control this? 
Why can't I control my emotions?
Why can't I believe it will "just happen" like my husband does? (especially since it happened once)
Why do I bury myself in my work to "avoid" thinking about it?
Why did I have a miscarriage?
Why is adoption so expensive and so risky?
Why can't I have my "take home baby"?
Why do I sometimes think God is sending me a sign that I shouldn't have kids?
Why did I have to grow up without a mom and now I can't be a mom?
Why isn't there a guidebook for this?
Why am I so impatient?
Why can't I know all of the answers?
Why does being infertile take most of the fun out of having sex?
When I talk about infertility, why does everyone say "you would be a great mom!"? 
Why am I mad at God about this?
Why am I mad at everyone and everything about this?
Why can't I be happy with what I DO have, instead of focusing on the sadness of what I don't have?
Why do doctors pressure you into treatment so quickly without looking at the root cause(s)?
Why doesn't someone tell me what we should do, so I don't have to make the decision?
Why do I feel so stuck?

Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why? 

Why me?  Why us?

The Dreaded Question

Monday I realized I was getting a bladder infection.  By Monday evening, it hit full on and I knew it was going to be a long night if I didn't do something about it, so I hit a walk in clinic.  I gave my sample and settled into the room waiting for the results to come in.  The PA (and his student) both examined me...then more waiting.  Never did the dreaded question come up, so I got cocky and thought maybe I'd get through this appointment without hearing it.  Finally they walk in and the PA confirms a bladder infection and gives me a prescriptiion for Cipro.  Then, as I'm about to walk out he asks the question...

wait for it...

"You're not pregnant or trying to get pregnant are you?"

So, I delve into my normal response...

"I'm not that I know of, but I could be." 

So begins the strange looks and more questions. 

"Are you actively trying?  Do you have reason to believe you are pregnant?" 

So I fumble over my words multiple times  "Well I'm not pregnant RIGHT now, but I could be in the proceess of getting pregnant.  I ovulated this weekend, so it is possible."  (in my mind I'm wondering why I even brought it up as the likelihood is so small -- but a girl can hope right?)

"So you ARE actively trying?"

"Yep."  (in my mind I'm thinking "don't even get me started.")

So the prescription gets ripped up and a new safe for pregnancy antibiotic is prescribed.  (and I'm so thankful I will likely never see these two people ever again after fumbling over my words  and looking like a fool)

I then go to a local big box store to get it filled as my normal pharmacy is closed.  And I swear that EVERY pregnant woman in a 15 mile radius is there -- as if to toy with me and my emotions, while it took over a half hour to fill the dang prescription.  Never mind the physical discomfort I was in...the emotional discomfort was much worse. 

All in a Monday night...