I am going to keep this short as we are heading out of town for the weekend (and I need to pack), but I wanted to follow-up from my last post regarding our big decision.
The couple who said during this journey that we would NEVER do IVF is doing IVF. Yep, we are skipping IUI with injectables and going straight to the big guns. We are looking at a May/June timeline as we have a vacation already scheduled in April that we need to work around. We meet with our RE in mid-March to determine a protocol and calendar.
More later on what led us to this decision, why we have been hesitant about IVF in the past, why I hate lab result numbers (and the emotions, fear and panic that follow), what we are doing to try to make this as successful as possible, why new insurance rocks, and more.
I'm scared. I'm hopeful. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm glad you all will be with me on this journey!
...my life as a wife, daughter, sister, friend...and hopefully (someday soon) a mom.
2.24.2012
2.22.2012
Fellow Bloggers
Long time no talk...I know. I have a lot of things to say, just need to organize them all in my head before I spew them on paper (or blogger). We've made some big decisions in the last couple of weeks and I'm still trying to get my head around everything. I'll be back in the next day or two with more details.
For now, I want to share some things regarding fellow bloggers:
First, please go and show your support for Jen. She just got some devastating news about a family member, on the heels of a miscarriage after IVF.
Does anyone know what has happened to Rebecca at Pink Lipgloss and Prenatals? Or A Miracle 4 Us? I'm concerned that when I click on their blogs in my browser, it says their blogs have been removed. Both were in their first trimester after IVF. I'm hoping it is just user error on my part and that things are still going well for them and their pregnancies.
I hope you are all having a great week -- I check in on you often and am following your journeys!
For now, I want to share some things regarding fellow bloggers:
First, please go and show your support for Jen. She just got some devastating news about a family member, on the heels of a miscarriage after IVF.
Does anyone know what has happened to Rebecca at Pink Lipgloss and Prenatals? Or A Miracle 4 Us? I'm concerned that when I click on their blogs in my browser, it says their blogs have been removed. Both were in their first trimester after IVF. I'm hoping it is just user error on my part and that things are still going well for them and their pregnancies.
I hope you are all having a great week -- I check in on you often and am following your journeys!
1.30.2012
This Story Makes Me Want to Throw Up
Recently in the local media, there was "breaking news" about a 22 year-old woman in a small town nearby where I live. A coworker had called the police because this woman had come to work one day looking like she had lost a severe amount of weight. The police went to check on her and found she had given birth in the last couple of days to twin girls, at home, who she killed (details haven't been released) and put in the trunk of her car. When questioned by police, she stated that she had never intended for the babies to live after they were born.
Fast forward to today when she made her initial court appearance and pleaded NOT GUILTY! This is after admitting that she killed her newborns purposely.
I was at my desk when I read this latest development today. I truly thought I was going to throw up. I'm not going to go into all of the ways this makes me sick. I'm sure you all know how it makes me feel.
And because of this I believe the world is just not fair. I truly don't understand. And again, I want to throw up.
Fast forward to today when she made her initial court appearance and pleaded NOT GUILTY! This is after admitting that she killed her newborns purposely.
I was at my desk when I read this latest development today. I truly thought I was going to throw up. I'm not going to go into all of the ways this makes me sick. I'm sure you all know how it makes me feel.
And because of this I believe the world is just not fair. I truly don't understand. And again, I want to throw up.
1.27.2012
"I'm Fine" and A Story
What is it that always makes me say "I'm fine" when I'm really not?
Earlier this week, a person in my office made an offhand comment that implied a miscarriage was really no big deal. I had to walk away from the conversation before I said something potentially inappropriate, but before I knew it I got thinking back to when I had my miscarriage. It happened on a Thursday, so I was able to take bereavement leave on Thursday and Friday and then return to work on Monday. I remember being in a fog and when anyone asked me how I was doing for several days, I said "I'm fine" (they all thought I had been out with the flu). Of course I wasn't.
Then I thought about how often I say "I'm fine" when really I'm not. When really, I just want to say "life sucks right now, I got my period today" or "isn't it my luck that the little stick this morning told me I'm ovulating but hubby is out of town -- there goes another month of hopes and dreams" or "I had to drag myself out of bed today and then was welcomed to the office by my coworker and her ultrasound picture."
I work in a pretty high profile position in my organization. I know a lot of employees and I find myself walking down the hallways in the organization smiling and saying "I'm fine" everytime I'm asked.
Sometimes I wish I had the guts to just be honest.
____________________
So for the last 4 - 5 months, my periods have been horrendous, horrible, miserable. Lots of cramping, spotting for 2-3 days and then heavy bleeding for another 7, lots of clots passed. (I've always had heavy periods, but these are out of control) It's happened on both Femara and natural cycles. So off to the RE I went, who told me what I already knew -- ultrasound (sonohystogram) and bloodwork were needed to find out what's going on.
Last Wednesday I went in to be prodded and poked. The sonohystogram showed no growths in my uterus, but lots of "gunk" (really -- could there have been a better word choice) that my RE a little too happily told me was "cleared out by the saline". My uterus was declared "boring", which I was assured was a good thing. Secretly, I had hoped they would find a growth or polyp or something that would quickly explain what was going on and be a potential reason for why I haven't gotten pregnant again since my miscarriage. I was put on Flagyl for a small infection (nasty nasty little drug).
Next was bloodwork. I was told one of the tests had to be sent out so I could call to get my results the following Monday or Tuesday. I called on Tuesday of this week and the nurse left me a voice mail that 2 of the 3 results were back, but they were still waiting on one. I was away from my desk a lot this week, so decided to give it a couple of days and call back on Thursday. I called back first thing on Thursday and left a message on the nurse line. The day proceeded with no return phone call which made me a bit concerned. Finally at 4:30 their phone number appeared on my cell phone and to my surprise the lab director was on the other line. Yep, the courier had lost my specimen somewhere between the clinic and the outside lab.
So off it was to the clinic again today to get the blood redrawn, and the 5 day wait begins again.
All this, along with the fact that I never got the smiley face on my OPKs this month (but think the digital reader may have had a dying battery), makes me think this may be the month I end up pregnant...
Wouldn't that be ironic???
Earlier this week, a person in my office made an offhand comment that implied a miscarriage was really no big deal. I had to walk away from the conversation before I said something potentially inappropriate, but before I knew it I got thinking back to when I had my miscarriage. It happened on a Thursday, so I was able to take bereavement leave on Thursday and Friday and then return to work on Monday. I remember being in a fog and when anyone asked me how I was doing for several days, I said "I'm fine" (they all thought I had been out with the flu). Of course I wasn't.
Then I thought about how often I say "I'm fine" when really I'm not. When really, I just want to say "life sucks right now, I got my period today" or "isn't it my luck that the little stick this morning told me I'm ovulating but hubby is out of town -- there goes another month of hopes and dreams" or "I had to drag myself out of bed today and then was welcomed to the office by my coworker and her ultrasound picture."
I work in a pretty high profile position in my organization. I know a lot of employees and I find myself walking down the hallways in the organization smiling and saying "I'm fine" everytime I'm asked.
Sometimes I wish I had the guts to just be honest.
____________________
So for the last 4 - 5 months, my periods have been horrendous, horrible, miserable. Lots of cramping, spotting for 2-3 days and then heavy bleeding for another 7, lots of clots passed. (I've always had heavy periods, but these are out of control) It's happened on both Femara and natural cycles. So off to the RE I went, who told me what I already knew -- ultrasound (sonohystogram) and bloodwork were needed to find out what's going on.
Last Wednesday I went in to be prodded and poked. The sonohystogram showed no growths in my uterus, but lots of "gunk" (really -- could there have been a better word choice) that my RE a little too happily told me was "cleared out by the saline". My uterus was declared "boring", which I was assured was a good thing. Secretly, I had hoped they would find a growth or polyp or something that would quickly explain what was going on and be a potential reason for why I haven't gotten pregnant again since my miscarriage. I was put on Flagyl for a small infection (nasty nasty little drug).
Next was bloodwork. I was told one of the tests had to be sent out so I could call to get my results the following Monday or Tuesday. I called on Tuesday of this week and the nurse left me a voice mail that 2 of the 3 results were back, but they were still waiting on one. I was away from my desk a lot this week, so decided to give it a couple of days and call back on Thursday. I called back first thing on Thursday and left a message on the nurse line. The day proceeded with no return phone call which made me a bit concerned. Finally at 4:30 their phone number appeared on my cell phone and to my surprise the lab director was on the other line. Yep, the courier had lost my specimen somewhere between the clinic and the outside lab.
So off it was to the clinic again today to get the blood redrawn, and the 5 day wait begins again.
All this, along with the fact that I never got the smiley face on my OPKs this month (but think the digital reader may have had a dying battery), makes me think this may be the month I end up pregnant...
Wouldn't that be ironic???
1.19.2012
1.04.2012
Bring it on 2012!
I'm a bit late in posting a new years blog -- so happy 2012 everyone! Many of you will be bringing home your babies this year (yeah!) while others of us will hopefully get our BFPs and sticky babies this year. I saw this on Josie's blog and thought it was fun (love the name of her blog btw). She recently gave birth to a very adorable Stella after iui.
1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
started going to the chiropractor -- I know it's a small thing but I grew up in an anti-chiropractic house believing that once you start you can't stop. I tend to have a very tight back, shoulders and neck, so after lots of consideration, I decided to give it a go. The first one I went to did not click with me (she made me watch videos and wanted to see me 3x per week) so I found another who doesn't pressure me at all (and has an AMAZING roller bed). \
2. Did you keep your 2011 resolutions, and will you make more next year?
I don't really make resolutions -- never have. I always hated going to the gym in January because so many people had made that their new years resolution, but by February, they had quit coming.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister gave me another nephew and two of our couple friends each gave birth to their second.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. Though back when we initially looked at adoption several years ago, we started the homestudy process, and I just found out that the guy who worked with us on that died very unexpectedly in the last couple of weeks. I'm not really sure why but it hit me hard.
5. What countries did you visit?
None, but lots of states other than my own.
6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
See a BFP that results in a sticky rainbow baby!
7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
The day my nephew was born, and the great one-on-one cuddle time I got with him while he was in the hospital; my should have been due date; a weird summer (due to hubby's work), a fun trip in October with hubby.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting elected to a Board of Directors for a local community program
9. What was your biggest failure?
No BFPs :-(
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing worth mentioning
11. What was the best thing you bought?
A new mattress (exciting eh? I know you are jealous!)
An awesome package with my massage therapist which lowered the cost of each massage to about $30 -- love that!
12. Where did most of your money go?
Mortgage, car payments, fun stuff like that
13. What did you get really excited about?
A long vacation with the hubby and 10 days in a row off of work!
14. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Hmmmm...not sure
15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
-Happier or sadder? Not gonna lie -- definately sadder
-thinner or fatter? Thinner by about 30 - 35 pounds
-Richer or poorer? About the same financially
16. What do you wish you'd done more of?
spending time with family and friends, scrapbooking, spending time on the water kayaking, looking at the positive side of things, focusing more on my needs vs the needs of others
17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Screen time, getting lost in Facebook world
18. How did you spend Christmas?
With my hubby's family (then with my family the next day)
19. What was your favorite TV program?
What Not to Wear
20. What were your favorite books of the year?
Room
21. What was your favorite music from this year?
I Just Haven't Met You Yet (Michael Buble)
Someone Like You (Adele)
Blessings (Laura Story)
Lead Me (Sanctus Real)
22. What were your favorite films of the year?
Bridesmaids
23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Spent the day with my best friend and went kayaking with my hubby. I turned 29 again! :-)
24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I'm gonna say that is probably a given at this point.
25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Simple
26. What kept you sane?
Massage, time with friends and family, meeting a whole new group of people through blogging, and feeling amazing support (sorry if that's super sappy). Truly, just knowing others are going through the journey, and writing a post and having others write the nicest things is truly amazing and lifts me up.
27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Try something to laugh about everyday.
___________________________________________________________
We had a good new year. I was in a terribly bitchy mood on New Years Eve, but hopefully I covered it somewhat decently. I think I mentioned in my last post that I was expecting a pregnancy announcement from one of our couples friends. I knew they were trying for #2, but there was no announcement (their first was conceived on the first or second month of trying). They know generally that we have been trying for a long time, but no specific details. So she and I were sitting talking and she states "I can drink for new years. We've been trying to conceive (said for about the 3rd time that day) since August, but I keep getting my period every month. I really thought I would be pregnant in September." I truly think I must have looked at her like she was crazy. I responded -- "yep, so do I". What I wanted to say was "Really, welcome to my world. Did you really just tell me that you thought you would be pregnant within one month, and were getting worried after 4 months? Try going on about 60 months of TTC."
I think I need one of those massages now! :-)
1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
started going to the chiropractor -- I know it's a small thing but I grew up in an anti-chiropractic house believing that once you start you can't stop. I tend to have a very tight back, shoulders and neck, so after lots of consideration, I decided to give it a go. The first one I went to did not click with me (she made me watch videos and wanted to see me 3x per week) so I found another who doesn't pressure me at all (and has an AMAZING roller bed). \
2. Did you keep your 2011 resolutions, and will you make more next year?
I don't really make resolutions -- never have. I always hated going to the gym in January because so many people had made that their new years resolution, but by February, they had quit coming.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister gave me another nephew and two of our couple friends each gave birth to their second.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. Though back when we initially looked at adoption several years ago, we started the homestudy process, and I just found out that the guy who worked with us on that died very unexpectedly in the last couple of weeks. I'm not really sure why but it hit me hard.
5. What countries did you visit?
None, but lots of states other than my own.
6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
See a BFP that results in a sticky rainbow baby!
7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
The day my nephew was born, and the great one-on-one cuddle time I got with him while he was in the hospital; my should have been due date; a weird summer (due to hubby's work), a fun trip in October with hubby.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting elected to a Board of Directors for a local community program
9. What was your biggest failure?
No BFPs :-(
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing worth mentioning
11. What was the best thing you bought?
A new mattress (exciting eh? I know you are jealous!)
An awesome package with my massage therapist which lowered the cost of each massage to about $30 -- love that!
12. Where did most of your money go?
Mortgage, car payments, fun stuff like that
13. What did you get really excited about?
A long vacation with the hubby and 10 days in a row off of work!
14. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Hmmmm...not sure
15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
-Happier or sadder? Not gonna lie -- definately sadder
-thinner or fatter? Thinner by about 30 - 35 pounds
-Richer or poorer? About the same financially
16. What do you wish you'd done more of?
spending time with family and friends, scrapbooking, spending time on the water kayaking, looking at the positive side of things, focusing more on my needs vs the needs of others
17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Screen time, getting lost in Facebook world
18. How did you spend Christmas?
With my hubby's family (then with my family the next day)
19. What was your favorite TV program?
What Not to Wear
20. What were your favorite books of the year?
Room
21. What was your favorite music from this year?
I Just Haven't Met You Yet (Michael Buble)
Someone Like You (Adele)
Blessings (Laura Story)
Lead Me (Sanctus Real)
22. What were your favorite films of the year?
Bridesmaids
23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Spent the day with my best friend and went kayaking with my hubby. I turned 29 again! :-)
24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I'm gonna say that is probably a given at this point.
25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Simple
26. What kept you sane?
Massage, time with friends and family, meeting a whole new group of people through blogging, and feeling amazing support (sorry if that's super sappy). Truly, just knowing others are going through the journey, and writing a post and having others write the nicest things is truly amazing and lifts me up.
27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Try something to laugh about everyday.
___________________________________________________________
We had a good new year. I was in a terribly bitchy mood on New Years Eve, but hopefully I covered it somewhat decently. I think I mentioned in my last post that I was expecting a pregnancy announcement from one of our couples friends. I knew they were trying for #2, but there was no announcement (their first was conceived on the first or second month of trying). They know generally that we have been trying for a long time, but no specific details. So she and I were sitting talking and she states "I can drink for new years. We've been trying to conceive (said for about the 3rd time that day) since August, but I keep getting my period every month. I really thought I would be pregnant in September." I truly think I must have looked at her like she was crazy. I responded -- "yep, so do I". What I wanted to say was "Really, welcome to my world. Did you really just tell me that you thought you would be pregnant within one month, and were getting worried after 4 months? Try going on about 60 months of TTC."
I think I need one of those massages now! :-)
12.26.2011
Sometimes I Wonder Why I Even Log Into Facebook
Everytime I read something that makes me upset on Facebook, I swear I am not going back for a long time, which lasts a few days at the most. Probably the one thing that bugs me the most is when parents complain about their kids.
Yesterday, as we were driving from one family event to another, I was just reading all of the nice Merry Christmas postings on Facebook when I was blindsided by this one:
Let's just say hubby had to talk me down from the ledge on this one. I will see said cousin tonight at a family gathering and it may take all I have to not say something to him. I really wanted to comment and say "you should really be thankful for what you have".(and maybe I still will) I get it. I do. Kids can be pains sometimes. But really, it's Christmas morning and he was probably just excited about the build-up of Santa coming to visit. Honestly, it's probably the first year he really "gets" the whole Santa thing. I've read lots of posts where kids got their parents up way before daylight because Santa had visited their house. But calling your kid a righteous lil' butthole is just not appropriate at any time or place, and especially on a public forum like Facebook.
While I would like to say that when I do get pregnant and when I do have a child, I won't complain about anything, because those complaints hit me so deep to the core right now, but I know that is not realistic. The truth is I will complain and moan sometimes, but I know that I will find much more joy in pregnancy and parenthood than frustration and pain.
I hope you had a wonderful holiday. We did. I had a meltdown in the car on the way to the in-laws on Thursday night, and really thought I might spend the weekend curled up in our hotel room (where all of our extended family was gathering) throwing a little pity party for myself, but having our two nieces and lots of other family around was really good for me. And I may have drank a little (or a lot) which helped mask the pain a bit. Last night as we were leaving some family, I gave a hug to my grandmother-in-law and she leaned into me and said "do you have any news to share with me?" Yep, pretty much ripped my heart open again. I replied with "no, wish I did, but I don't" to which my mother-in-law gave me the saddest look I think I have ever seen.
I'm looking forward to another day off of work today. The weekend has gone by way too fast. I'm certainly not ready to return to work on Tuesday. We have some friends coming at the end of the week to celebrate new years with us and I am anticipating a pregnancy announcement (2nd child). I may need a lot more alcohol...
Yesterday, as we were driving from one family event to another, I was just reading all of the nice Merry Christmas postings on Facebook when I was blindsided by this one:
"_________'s present to us was to wake up at 4am and then be a
righteous lil' butthole for the rest of the morning. Merry Christmas y'all!"
This was from my cousin, who's son just turned 3 and is apparently a righteous lil' butthole. This would be my cousin who got his girlfriend pregnant but doesn't want to marry her because he doesn't believe in marriage. Let's just say hubby had to talk me down from the ledge on this one. I will see said cousin tonight at a family gathering and it may take all I have to not say something to him. I really wanted to comment and say "you should really be thankful for what you have".(and maybe I still will) I get it. I do. Kids can be pains sometimes. But really, it's Christmas morning and he was probably just excited about the build-up of Santa coming to visit. Honestly, it's probably the first year he really "gets" the whole Santa thing. I've read lots of posts where kids got their parents up way before daylight because Santa had visited their house. But calling your kid a righteous lil' butthole is just not appropriate at any time or place, and especially on a public forum like Facebook.
While I would like to say that when I do get pregnant and when I do have a child, I won't complain about anything, because those complaints hit me so deep to the core right now, but I know that is not realistic. The truth is I will complain and moan sometimes, but I know that I will find much more joy in pregnancy and parenthood than frustration and pain.
I hope you had a wonderful holiday. We did. I had a meltdown in the car on the way to the in-laws on Thursday night, and really thought I might spend the weekend curled up in our hotel room (where all of our extended family was gathering) throwing a little pity party for myself, but having our two nieces and lots of other family around was really good for me. And I may have drank a little (or a lot) which helped mask the pain a bit. Last night as we were leaving some family, I gave a hug to my grandmother-in-law and she leaned into me and said "do you have any news to share with me?" Yep, pretty much ripped my heart open again. I replied with "no, wish I did, but I don't" to which my mother-in-law gave me the saddest look I think I have ever seen.
I'm looking forward to another day off of work today. The weekend has gone by way too fast. I'm certainly not ready to return to work on Tuesday. We have some friends coming at the end of the week to celebrate new years with us and I am anticipating a pregnancy announcement (2nd child). I may need a lot more alcohol...
12.20.2011
Sometimes I'm a Little Slow...
...and then I get hit in the face. Like tonight. As you know I've been in a crap-tacular mood recently. As I was having a meltdown tonight (after opening one too many Christmas cards with adorable children pictures and stories in them -- I'm sorry, but I really don't care that your son's favorite letter right now is N) it dawned on me...we should be celebrating baby's first Christmas and sending out Christmas cards with a happy family of 3 photo attached. Should be...but not.
I'm taking a little blogging break for the holidays. We'll be on the road, but I will be reading your blogs when I can, though may not comment much. Lots of holiday BFPs out there in blog land. I'm very happy for each and every one of you who are celebrating one of these (and am thinking of those of you who aren't).
I'll pick back up on the blogging challenge after the holidays too...I guess it will be the 30 day blog challenge that took 60 days to complete.
Merry Christmas to each of you and your families!
JJ
I'm taking a little blogging break for the holidays. We'll be on the road, but I will be reading your blogs when I can, though may not comment much. Lots of holiday BFPs out there in blog land. I'm very happy for each and every one of you who are celebrating one of these (and am thinking of those of you who aren't).
I'll pick back up on the blogging challenge after the holidays too...I guess it will be the 30 day blog challenge that took 60 days to complete.
Merry Christmas to each of you and your families!
JJ
12.18.2011
Should be a Happy Time of Year, But Just Not Feeling It
I'm struggling these days and I feel really guilty about it. This is supposed to be a happy time of year. In fact, I just read a comment on someone else's blog (from another blogger) that says something along the lines that the happiness of the holidays should pull her through this difficult time.
I'm not so sure I agree. Frankly, I'm a basket case these days. Up one moment, down the next, laughing the next and crying the next. And I'm not even on a medicated cycle (maybe that's the problem?!?)
I'm struggling with going anywhere without looking at what is going on around me and thinking how lucky I am. And it makes me sad and upset that even though I am so fortunate and blessed, I can't get out of this funk and "woe is me" feeling. I spent 2 hours wrapping presents tonight and got through maybe half of what we have to wrap. I can turn the thermostat up just because I am a little chilly. I overally have good health. I have a job that pays me very well. I have a reliable car that will get me to all of our holiday celebrations. I have two beautiful God children & 7 amazing nieces and nephews. I have so much.
Yet, I want more. The thing that seems to elude me. I want a baby -- and more specifically, I want to be pregnant. I want to be a mom. And honestly & without hesitation, I would give up all of my material possessions for that one thing!
These days I find myself extremely frustrated with my husband. I find myself questioning my relationship with a God who took my mom from me at an early age and now won't give me a child of my own (how's that for entitlement?). I feel guilty for asking for anything for Christmas, when so many have so little. I feel guilty for feeling sad during this time of the year.
I haven't put up a Christmas tree, or any decorations. I turn the radio station everytime a Christmas carol comes on. I bought Christmas cards, but probably won't send them. I really just want the holiday to be over.
One thing I am grateful for, is the community I have found here in blogging land. I really appreciate you ladies and the support and kind comments you leave. I will get through this blip in the road. I have done it before and will do it again. I don't mean to be a constant downer.
As a side note, the period from hell seems to FINALLY be ending. I called my RE's office on Friday and the nurse told me I needed to come in to see the doctor before they could schedule an ultrasound just to check things out. So...I'm headed back there the first week of January. Hopefully will be able to have the hydrosonogram done shortly there after and figure this all out. Hope is what I need right now...
I'm not so sure I agree. Frankly, I'm a basket case these days. Up one moment, down the next, laughing the next and crying the next. And I'm not even on a medicated cycle (maybe that's the problem?!?)
I'm struggling with going anywhere without looking at what is going on around me and thinking how lucky I am. And it makes me sad and upset that even though I am so fortunate and blessed, I can't get out of this funk and "woe is me" feeling. I spent 2 hours wrapping presents tonight and got through maybe half of what we have to wrap. I can turn the thermostat up just because I am a little chilly. I overally have good health. I have a job that pays me very well. I have a reliable car that will get me to all of our holiday celebrations. I have two beautiful God children & 7 amazing nieces and nephews. I have so much.
Yet, I want more. The thing that seems to elude me. I want a baby -- and more specifically, I want to be pregnant. I want to be a mom. And honestly & without hesitation, I would give up all of my material possessions for that one thing!
These days I find myself extremely frustrated with my husband. I find myself questioning my relationship with a God who took my mom from me at an early age and now won't give me a child of my own (how's that for entitlement?). I feel guilty for asking for anything for Christmas, when so many have so little. I feel guilty for feeling sad during this time of the year.
I haven't put up a Christmas tree, or any decorations. I turn the radio station everytime a Christmas carol comes on. I bought Christmas cards, but probably won't send them. I really just want the holiday to be over.
One thing I am grateful for, is the community I have found here in blogging land. I really appreciate you ladies and the support and kind comments you leave. I will get through this blip in the road. I have done it before and will do it again. I don't mean to be a constant downer.
As a side note, the period from hell seems to FINALLY be ending. I called my RE's office on Friday and the nurse told me I needed to come in to see the doctor before they could schedule an ultrasound just to check things out. So...I'm headed back there the first week of January. Hopefully will be able to have the hydrosonogram done shortly there after and figure this all out. Hope is what I need right now...
12.15.2011
Music
Not much new today. The period from hell continues. Think I will for sure call the RE's office tomorrow to see about getting in for an ultrasound during this cycle. Something is just not right (or if it is, I would like to be reassured of that).
Today's question is around music and what is on my iPod. I generally like most music except rap and twangy bluegrass. I used to hate country, but my husband is a big fan, so I'm even warming up to it a bit. My best friend is a music teacher, and we roomed together in college, so I was exposed to a wide variety of music when living with her.
Day 14 - Put your iPad on shuffle. List the first 10 songs that play.
1. The Littlest Birds (The Be Good Tanyas)
2. A Mighty Fortress is Our God (Chris Rice)
3. Detours (Sheryl Crow)
4. Lost in Your Eyes (Debbie Gibson) -- let's hear it for the 80s!
5. The Christmas Can Can (Straight No Chaser)
6. One (U2)
7. How Great Though Art (Carrie Underwood) -- This makes me think of my mom and how much I miss her
8. Leaving on A Jet Plane (Peter, Paul & Mary)
9. I Would Die for That (Kellie Coffrey) -- if you are in the infertility world and you haven't heard this song -- YouTube it
10. Society (Eddie Vedder)
Today's question is around music and what is on my iPod. I generally like most music except rap and twangy bluegrass. I used to hate country, but my husband is a big fan, so I'm even warming up to it a bit. My best friend is a music teacher, and we roomed together in college, so I was exposed to a wide variety of music when living with her.
Day 14 - Put your iPad on shuffle. List the first 10 songs that play.
1. The Littlest Birds (The Be Good Tanyas)
2. A Mighty Fortress is Our God (Chris Rice)
3. Detours (Sheryl Crow)
4. Lost in Your Eyes (Debbie Gibson) -- let's hear it for the 80s!
5. The Christmas Can Can (Straight No Chaser)
6. One (U2)
7. How Great Though Art (Carrie Underwood) -- This makes me think of my mom and how much I miss her
8. Leaving on A Jet Plane (Peter, Paul & Mary)
9. I Would Die for That (Kellie Coffrey) -- if you are in the infertility world and you haven't heard this song -- YouTube it
10. Society (Eddie Vedder)
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