I Love You

One year ago I uttered those three words "I love you" to my RE.  Yes, my RE.  Not my proudest moment, but I had just turned into a babbling crying mess as he told me my first beta number was over 1200 and I was pregnant.  This is a day that will be etched in my memory forever.

It's not lost on me that it is also National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and while I will always have the happy memory of what happened on this day, there are also many people and angels are etched in my memory forever.

• Our own sweet little girl or boy who gave us so much joy for the 2 weeks we knew you existed.
• My sweet niece who would turn 10 next month if she were on earth, but instead will remain 29 days old forever.  I never met her when she was alive, but she was truly the most beautiful little girl.
• Our goddaughter who was born still too soon due to pregnancy complications
• A friend of mine who's baby was born about a week after my little one, but was born still, with the cord around her neck
• So many of my peer group and blogging friends who have experienced loss, many who have experienced multiple losses
• Others who while they haven't had a miscarriage or death, still mourn their inability to get pregnant, for whatever reason.  

Today as I look at my Facebook timeline and my Twitter feed I am reminded of how many people suffer in silence.  I figure for every one person who posts something, there are at least 2 or 3 who have suffered loss, but don't say anything publicly. My prayer is that today, noone grieves alone, but is aware of the supportive community around them.   

New Posts

New posts up at http://twinklelittlestar2013.blogspot.com/ 

Disclaimer -- this link is for my pregnancy and now baby blog.   I completely understand if you are not in a place where you are comfortable visiting.  I will continue to write in this current space from time-to-time about fertility issues/struggles and general life.  

Stings Like a Bee

I remember in junior high being stung by a bee for the first time.  It was after school and I felt something moving in my hair.  I ran my hand through my hair to see what was going on and quickly found it was a bee in my hair, an angry bee who stung my hand.  I had been in the process of buying a can of pop at the time so was able to hold onto that to take some of the burn of the sting away as I walked home.  It dulled the pain, but didn't take it away completely, and I continued to have a tender spot on my hand for several days.  

This past week, I found out someone very close to me is pregnant with her 3rd child.  Yes, I recently gave birth to my Little Miss, and am totally and completely in love with her and am so grateful for her.  But this news still stung like a bee.  The fact it happened so quickly and easily and that we are the same age and she will soon have 3 kids, still stung, and continues to sting even a few days later.  Yes, this announcement was easier than the one 3 years ago, when we were 4 years into our journey to have a child (and would shortly thereafter become pregnant and miscarry), but the scars of infertility, while somewhat faded, are still there.  

Little Miss' Arrival Story Link

I've written part one of Little Miss' arrival story.  It can be found on my pregnancy blog at: http://twinklelittlestar2013.blogspot.com/

Surprise!

She's here!  Our little miracle was born on Monday, June 10, at 38 weeks 3 days and has changed our lives forever!  She weighed in at 7 pounds 1 ounce and was 18.5 inches long.  I am head over heels in love with her!

More to come!

Hey Old Friend...

I have to say, old friend, that I haven't missed you much at all, and I would have been perfectly fine had you not returned over the last couple of weeks.  I was actually beginning to  feel secure and comfortable after having you in my life for so many years...but for some reason you've decided to come back.  Friend is much too nice of a word for you.  Something that rhymes with "witch" is probably more accurate and appropriate for how I feel about you.  I guess it's kind of funny that I thought I might have escaped you, beings you've been part of my life for a long time.  

Oh, anxiety, I have not missed you...not one bit.  

I've been an anxious person probably my whole life.  Sleepless nights, knotted back and shoulders, always worried, pretty much for as long as I can remember.  

But it was when we started trying to have a baby, and kept trying and trying and trying and trying that my anxiety got out of control -- enough to have to have rescue medicine for panic attacks -- those moments when I thought "I'm never going to be a mom".  Six years of infertility shit will do that to a person.  

Then I got pregnant with IVF and a whole new level of anxiety came out to play.  Anxiety that kept me on my toes until each new milestone was passed.  If there's no bleeding, if we just see the heartbeat, if we make it to 12 weeks, if the fetal growth ultrasound looks good, if I feel movement,  if we just make it to viability...if if if...

I got to about 30 weeks and really started feeling good about this.  Maybe even a bit cocky.  While I knew a take home baby was never a promise, if felt like that reality was getting closer and closer.  I put my guard down a little.  I felt really positive.  I had a long awaited break from anxiety, and it was good.  

About two weeks ago, that all changed.  I started having stabbing pains in my vaginal area, I started having muscle cramps/weakness in my inner thighs, I started feeling more and more pressure in "that" area, and I woke up one morning thinking I had developed arthritis in my hands overnight.  Come to find out -- these are all normal parts of pregnancy...I was just naive to it all.  

I had my 36 week doctor's appointment and had been told I would have my cervix checked at this appointment.  I was prepared.  It was uncomfortable, but not horrible. Cervix was still closed and hard.  But afterwards, there was blood in my underwear later in the day and just an uncomfortable feeling down there -- cue anxiety.  

I had my 37 week doctor's appointment with my favorite doctor.  I didn't realize it at the time that another check would be done at this visit.  This time cervix was 1.5 cm dilated and starting to efface (soften).  Cue more anxiety in the form of "I'm so not ready for this" and "Oh my God, Dr. Google, what does this mean -- am I going to have the baby this week?"  But what I really found out is that none of it really means anything.  Women walk around all the time dilated and effaced and don't give birth till after their due date, or dilate so quickly that they don't know what hit them.  (at least there was no bleeding after this check)

On Friday I went into my 38 week appointment armed and ready.  As the nurse put out the sheet on the table, I politely asked if I could decline the exam this week.  She immediately put the sheet away and said "absolutely".  The doctor came in (my primary doctor who I've been seeing for the last 7 years through the entire infertility journey) and she asks if the nurse did not give me a sheet to change.  I tell her yes, she did, but that I was declining the exam because the numbers really don't mean anything and they just make me more anxious.    

She then proceeded to tell (lecture) me that she needed to do the exam so that if I called into the office wondering if I was in labor or not, they would have a better idea of what was going on (remembering that women walk around dilated and effaced all the time and it is no indication of pending labor) and would know "what to do with me."  Basically I was told I HAD to have the exam.  

Now of course I know I still have rights and could decline the exam, but at this point I was holding back tears and thinking -- okay if they don't do the exam, and then something happens to baby, I would never be able to live with myself.  So she left the room and I donned the sheet.  I tried to pull myself together as tears rolled down my cheeks and I felt totally disrespected.  I decided I was just going to make it through the exam, not say anything or ask any questions and get out of there as soon as possible.  

The doctor comes back in and the first words out of her mouth are "are you okay with this?" Seriously lady???  I politely said "I guess I have to be" and let her go about her business.  It was the most painful check yet, and the news was that I am now 2 cm dilated and 50ish% effaced.  (oh and I spotted for 2 days afterwards -- which as an infertile always freaks the hell out of me!)  I got dressed, left the office as quickly as possible and had a major meltdown in my car.  I was so hurt by the fact that I felt like my feelings/opinion didn't count.  Especially by my primary physician who knows what I have been through to get here.  And if she had given me a good reason for the exam, then I would have been okay with it, but to tell me it's really just a convenience factor for them should I call in later, just makes me mad.  

I already had my 39 week appointment set up with her, but I can guarantee you that I am changing that first thing tomorrow morning.  I can also guarantee that I will try to decline the check again this week...if I get that far.  

I'm incredibly grateful for where I am right now.  Please don't get me wrong.  But this unknown, of when baby will make their appearance, is really causing me some issues (and I'm not even much of a control freak) that I never expected.  I feel like I'm in the "two week wait" period again.  

Random Thoughts

This post may end up being all over the place, but I have lots of thoughts going through my mind right now that I want to get out of my head...

• It's been a cruel week in blog land.  There's been a lot of BFNs after treatments, cancelled cycles, slowly rising betas causing uncertainty, difficult decisions,  etc.  So many people to keep in my thoughts and prayers.  Infertility can just go suck it.  
• Over the last year or so, I've met an amazing group of women, all facing infertility.  My acupuncturist started a local peer group that meets once a month and it's been so therapeutic to me.  I'm so thankful to be a part of it.  One of the ladies I've gotten to know in particular, is going through her second miscarriage of this year, after their third IVF cycle.  Things just keep going wrong for her and her husband and it makes me angry. This week, she had an ultrasound at our local clinic and they treated her poorly (from my perspective), being sloppy and  leaving lots of questions unanswered.  Today they had another ultrasound hoping to get answers, which they did, but they weren't good answers.  My heart just hurts so much for her.  I feel so helpless in these situations.  There are no words or actions to make it better.  
• As I hear more and more stories from my peer group members, I get more and more upset about how our local clinic treats their patients.  They are the only clinic in the city and they have the market share. To find another RE would be at least 2 hours away.  I feel like they have just become callused to the work they do, and are losing any sense of compassion and caring -- it seems they are just moving people through.  My husband and I were never big fans of the clinic from the start, but I have to say that I'm quite happy we will NEVER have to go there again.  (of course I'm thankful for them, otherwise we would not be pregnant right now, but I am so not impressed with how they are treating my friends!)
• While I really hope I make it to my due date in 4 weeks, I am seriously ready to be done with work.  I want to work as long as I can so I can enjoy my time off after baby is born, but there have been days I'm just ready to throw in the towel and be done for 12 weeks.  
• I'm sad to think this pregnancy is coming to an end.  Yes, I am so excited to meet baby and see what he/she looks like, but I am so going to miss the kicks and jabs and my big ole belly!  
• On a cute and much lighter note, we visited our nieces this weekend and I asked our 8 year-old niece if she had any boy names that we should consider.  She looked at me with a dead serious look in her eye and said "why do you need a boy's name -- the baby is a girl."  It's hard to argue with such fierce determination!  

I hope everyone has a great long weeked!

Excuse Me While I Go Throw Up

This is how I felt tonight after reading an article.  Upon reading it the first time, my immediate reaction was to throw up, literally getting sick to my stomach.  My next emotion was anger -- how can someone possibly feel this way?   As I read the article again an hour later, my final emotion was sadness, gut wrenching sadness.

Let me explain...

My Twitter feed today was all abuzz regarding this article.   As a general synopsis, this is written by a dad, who has a young son, but he and his wife wanted their son to have a sibling and were struggling with secondary infertility.  They decided to do IVF, and are now pregnant with twins after they CHOSE to transfer 2 embryos.  These twins are unfortunately both boys (they really wanted a girl) and apparently are going to ruin their lives and make sure their parents never sleep ever again.  In general they are pissed off about having twins, even getting to the point where they did genetic testing, hoping that one of them would have an abnormality so it would give them a reason to do selective reduction.  Do YOU want to throw up yet?  Oh, and yes, the father who wrote this article has chosen to stay anonymous, not even having the balls to say who he is.  

It's easy to be angry with this guy and his wife.  If there's any question about it, just read the comments section.  I was angry after reading it too.

But soon my anger turned into sadness.

Sad that these children are already seen as a burden by their parents, even though they made the CHOICE to transfer two embryos because they didn't want to pay for the process twice.

Sad that these two boys will enter the world with the pre-conceived belief that they will both be like their older brother -- crying all the time, likely colicky, and (gasp) fiercely strong-willed, knowing that crying pushes his parent's buttons (and who let's him push these buttons?).

Sad that these parents are comparing the last 4 months of their pregnancy to that of a cancer patient, instead of feeling the joy and connection to these babies as they kick and move inside the womb -- a feeling that many infertile couples will never get to experience.

Sad that they view their first child as "the free one" while CHOOSING to do IVF, and taking on the associated costs, has taken money out of their house fund, their college fund, or other future plans they had.

What makes me the most sad about this story?  Reading these selfish thoughts while knowing, through this community and in real life, SO many couples who would give anything to be able to get pregnant at all; to be able to have a healthy pregnancy; to have the blessing of one, let alone two healthy babies and to stay up all night rocking a crying baby.

If this guy had the guts to identify himself, I would write to him to let him know of all of the wonderful couples who would love to adopt these blessings, so he and his wife don't have to worry about finding space for these children in their one-bedroom apartment,  so he and his wife can rest peacefully at night and so they would be able to continue in their perfect little world, prior to being burdened with a twin pregnancy.

  My heart is heavy.

Hey Jealousy!

I've probably had a tendency towards being a jealous person my whole life...jealous of girls and women who had their mom growing up...jealous of athletic girls (being a klutz myself)...jealous of my friends who were getting married when that's what I really wanted...and so on.  I know it's not a particularly appealing or flattering trait, but  part of who I am.  I generally try to keep it under control and I think I do a pretty good job.

But in the last couple of weeks I've been dealing with a bout of jealousy I feel came out of nowhere.  I wasn't prepared for it.  And I feel really horrible, stupid and frankly, ugly, for feeling jealous in this situation.

I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant and couldn't be happier (yet also scared to death that something bad could happen).  While it took us nearly 6 years to get to this point, I'm thrilled to be here.  So when a coworker announced a couple of weeks ago that she too was pregnant, it shouldn't have been a big deal, right?  I should have instantly been happy for her, right?  I should have been prepared for the announcement as she is in her upper 20s and married for a few years, right?    Right?

But for some reason, it is a big deal to me, and has caused jealousy to rear her ugly head.  You see, this coworker became pregnant "much more quickly than expected" once they started trying.  She made the announcement to staff BEFORE she had had an ultrasound -- like weeks before -- who does that and where does that confidence come from?  And now it's all about baby talk and talk and talk...while I tend to be pretty low key when talking about the pregnancy at work.

The reason I am most ashamed of the jealousy I feel?  I don't want to share this time with her.  I waited so long for this to happen and paid my dues, that I wonder why I can't just have this 9 months all to myself.

Yes, I sound like a totally selfish bitch -- I wholeheartedly admit that.  Instead of being happy for both of us (which I am, really), I have these large pangs of jealousy, over the confidence she has (which I still don't have) in nothing going wrong,  and just having a "normal" conception and pregnancy.  Jealousy over the fact that she talks about not really being ready to have a baby, but it happened so much more quickly than she planned.

Jealousy, jealousy, ugly ugly  jealousy...

Perfect Moment Monday -- Fur Baby Edition

My blogging and Twitter friend Suzy has had a feature on her blog for a few months now called "Perfect Moment Monday". Lori (who created Perfect Moment Monday) says "Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between."

Today I had one of those "perfect moments." I know many of us have our fur babies, and in many cases, our fur babies replace the babies we can't have due to infertility. We have a big ole Garfield cat. He looks like Garfield and often acts like him too. He has attitude and I swear he knows more than he lets onto. He's strangely human. He was my husband's cat before I came into the picture, but now he's my big fur baby too. He is aging and it makes me sad to think of the day he will no longer be with us. I had my first major pregnancy meltdown a couple of weeks ago when we left on vacation and I was saying goodbye to him for the week. I knew he would be spoiled by our neighbors, but the tears started anyway as I held him and he looked at me with his big eyes. I'm happy to say we both survived the week away.

We have a tradition, especially in the winter time, that I will lay on the couch and he will pop up and lay and purr on my stomach while I pet him. From the time of my embryo transfer up until about 20 weeks, I did not let him lay on my stomach. He was none to pleased when I made it clear he did not have that option anymore and he would sulk and go lay at my feet (which broke my heart). At my 20 week appointment awhile back, I asked my OB if it was okay to allow him to lay on my belly and she gave the okay to do so. It took him awhile to warm back up to doing so.

Today was a long day at work. I got home and the cat immediately let me know he wanted to cuddle (he likes to herd us). So I changed my clothes, laid on the couch with his favorite blanket on top of me and he popped up to join me. He maneuvered my ever expanding belly to find a comfortable place and we settled in -- me rubbing his cheek and he purring away. As soon as he started purring, baby started kicking away. After about a half hour (in which time we both fell asleep), he got down and then came back up about 5 minutes later and settled into a new location on my belly until hubby got home about 30 minutes later. The amazing thing to me was during those 5 minutes he was off my belly, baby stopped moving. As soon as he laid back down and started purring again, baby started moving again.

I love this connection between my baby and my fur baby. It makes me smile. It makes my heart happy. And it makes for a perfect moment Monday.