We've all had those moments -- the ones where you want to look at someone and say "really, did you just say that?" You know, the insensitive comments about just relaxing, just adopting, just, just, just. I sort of wish I had kept a journal of all of the comments I've heard over the last 6 years of this journey.
As we've been sharing the news of our pregnancy over the last few weeks, 99% of the comments have been wonderful, with people saying how they prayed for this for us, tears, screeches, and so on. It's truly been amazing. But there have also been some comments that have really just made me go...."hmmmmmmm"
I recently had lunch with a friend I met through volunteer activities. After I told her my news, she said "the last person I know who announced their pregnancy had a miscarriage soon after." Um, okay, is that supposed to make me scared shitless? I was hoping for a bit more...um...excitement or positivity. Thanks...now I'm not so hungry anymore.
At work we have a morning meeting 4 days a week, so I made my announcement there. Someone who wasn't in the meeting came to my office later to congratulate me. (A little background -- this woman and I are NOT close and I limit my interactions with her because she will talk forever. I have also been very quiet about our journey at work). The first question out of her mouth was -- "was this planned or a surprise?" I became speechless over that question because I didn't expect it. I simply replied "planned, definitely planned." though I wanted to say "none of your dang business!"
She goes on to tell me about her niece, who planned her wedding around when she would ovulate (really -- people do that?), but did not factor into the mix that the stress of planning the wedding, might throw off her cycle a tad. So her niece was disappointed when she didn't come back from her perfectly timed honeymoon pregnant, and went to the doctor and cried about it. The next month she became pregnant. I replied "wow -- that's really great for her." but what I was thinking was "I bet she's really glad you are talking about her reproductive life with a stranger, and seriously -- she went and cried to her doctor after a month of not becoming pregnant???"
This same employee told me in the break room this week that people in the office were going to watch me just like the media was watching Princess Kate and her pregnancy fashions. Ummmm....gee thanks...that's a bit creepy....but thanks. I know she meant no harm by it, but still a bit creepy.
My final favorite question has come up a lot, and I just find it strange. When I share the news, a lot of people's first reaction is "is _________ (my hubby) excited?"
So, what's the funniest, stupidest, most insensitive thing someone has said to you during your IF/pregnancy journey?
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Oh geeze! I think you are supposed to take the work lady's comment as a compliment! You must be quite fashionable so people are excited to see your adorable maternity wear! The friend, well, she needs... a compassion adjustment!
ReplyDeleteI told one kinda friend about my diagnosis, only because he husband is my trainer and I so I share some medical information with him. I immediatly regretted telling her. She said "Well that sucks, but you know what else sucks? Pregnancy!"
I am proud of how I handled it, since I wanted to punch her. " I am sure it is difficult some days. But it is very difficult to be told that it will never happen for you."
Needless to say, I have not given her an update since!
Try a funny comment when people ask about him, like "Oh, I don't know, I havent told him yet."
I have so many. So, so many.
ReplyDeleteSome thoughts on those comments:
With your friend, I suspect more is going on then she'll telling. Mainly, even if she didn't mean to hurt you, she did want to silence you quickly. Has she been single for a while? Newly single? Or maybe she's also dealing with infertility? It's a hard one, but maybe reaching out to ask "are you okay?" and preface it with you thought her response to your news was a bit strange would help break the ice.
With the co-worker: should like she has a social anxiety disorder. Instead of simply being able to tell you congratulations, she's telling you things that come to mind immediately. In other words, she lacks a filter. Sure, it can be off putting, but I suspect she's torturing herself daily for statements like this.
For the final comment: I would answer "He's elated!!!" Because your husband is elated! Sadly, with 50% of pregnancies in the US being unplanned, there are far too many guys who are not elated. Yes, it's a bit of a weird (and personal) question, but the best approach is to silence them fast.
Oh, people are idiots. Not everyone is, but there are so many. I'm glad that in the balance, there are lovely folks around you who are excited about your news and say APPROPRIATE things when you announce it to them. Sheesh.
ReplyDeleteThe comments were always interesting. I especially hated the comments about getting pregnant by being "naughty." Depending on who the person was, I would say something like, oh yeah I was really naughty making appointments to monitor my ovaries and then getting pregnant in a doctor's office with most of my clothes on. My motto is: If you are going to ask an uncomfortable question then I will make you uncomfortable with my answer. It made me feel better :)
ReplyDeleteHi! I read your post all the time but never comment :). I just had to this time though. About 5 years ago I had a miscarriage and unfortunately my hubby and I had already told all of his family about the pregnancy. Months later when we were expecting another baby we again told them the good news (this time around 15 weeks as apposed to 8 weeks from before)all my mother-in-law said was "Did you wait longer this time before telling us?". I could have KILLED her. To this day my blood boils thinking of this incident with her. I really felt like she was insinuating to us that we jinxed ourselves and made something bad happen to that baby because we didn't wait long enough with our announcement. Grrr.
ReplyDeletexoxox
Well I hate to tell you but the "insensitive/stupid" comments keep coming. Most people feel the need to tell you how terrible parenthood is. How you will never sleep again, you will be broke and your life is ruined. I never really knew how to respond to that. These are the same people who know you have been trying and overjoyed to finally be expecting, so it just doesn't make sense. We were having twins so that just doubled the negative comments. I was always surprised that complete stranges would also tell me that twins were going to be way too much work. I think people don't know what to say so they say some really ridiculous stuff!
ReplyDeleteWow, really can't believe the lunch date comment. I agree that maybe she had an emotional reaction to your news, or maybe she is just a Debbie Downer type? I've gotten the "Was it planned or was it a surprise?" question, which always throws me. A friend of mine who knows about my infertility and miscarriages as well as my caution about this pregnancy texted me out of the blue to warn me that getting a flu shot while pregnant can cause infertility and miscarriage (or so she read on some hysterical and unfounded anti-vaccine site). I was furious.
ReplyDeleteI'm still in the IF journey part. I often get told the wonderful "you're so lucky!" type comments that I'm not pregnant. They'll tell me I'm lucky even after I've told them my whole woe is me story about how we've been trying for 4 years and desperately want a child of our own. Or even better they'll offer me their kid. Next time someone offers me their kid I'm going to tell them I already have a carseat. I garentee you they'll be mad at me for trying to except their offer.
ReplyDeleteWow. I'm happy to say I have not experienced any comments/questions as bad as those!
ReplyDeleteYour friend's reaction also made me wonder if she might have some issues (IF herself?) that compel her to downplay your happy news. That was definitely an odd - and inappropriate - thing to say.
I think the most personal question I've been asked since announcing my pregnancy was "Did you use fertility drugs?" This was from a family member and I can only assume they were asking because of my age.
My worst comment was from a new parent a month after my first miscarriage. She told me parenthood wasn't that glamorous and for me to enjoy my freedom. Of course that was just the worst of many many stupid remarks I received. Congrats to you!
ReplyDeleteHa, yeah - I got something like that too from a friend after a miscarriage. The crazy thing is that she is infertile and ended up adopting ... you'd think she'd know better!
DeleteHmm. People just don't know what they sound like sometimes!
ReplyDeleteYeah, we got a lot of "are they natural?" questions with the twins. Pretty sure people have no idea what that makes them sound like!
I did have one colleague say "wow, twins on the first try?!" Well, no, twins after 3 years of trying and lots of medical intervention and a miscarriage. I can only assume he and his wife got pregnant with each of their four children the first month trying because he really did seem to think that it must have been our first "try." Others have said similar things "you just dove right in," "jumped right into it, huh?" etc.
The craziest things come out of people's mouths sometimes. I haven't had any strange pregnancy-related comments yet, but enjoyed a gamut of them after miscarrying. The best, from a friend who was coming to visit me shortly afterwards, was, "Well, at least we can have more fun going out together!" Yeah, because I'm so much more fun when I drown my sorrows in a bottomless martini ....
ReplyDeleteOh this makes me laugh...people are so nosey, rude and just plain ignorant. I got pregnant with twins after a long battle with PCOS and IF...I was huge! People would say" My God, how many are in there?" I'd laugh it off and confirm there were two and the next questions was 99% of the time "Oh, do twins run in your family?" My response was "I assume they'll be running around by the time they're 1 or 1-1/2 so yes, I guess you can say they run in my family." The other comment that I got that I abosultely HATED was when people said "Oh better you than me!" after learning I was having two. My response was "Well, yes, with that attitude I agree it is better me than you!" Hang in there and just laugh off the nasty people!! You have a whole slew of people so excited for you!!
ReplyDeleteMy most recent one, I was at a Bible Studies group and everyone there knows I've been ttc for over three years now. So they jokingly prayed for twins for a girl in our group who is already pregnant. :(
ReplyDelete