The Difference of a Year

Happy 2013 everyone!  As I reflect on 2012, I am so thankful that I have joined the blogging community and have found this incredible network of women who are such a great support on the IF journey.  I know the holidays can be extremely tough during this time of year when dealing with IF, and there seems to be a lot of heartbreak going on right now with impending or recent miscarriages and failed cycles. There's also excitement around pending adoptions, new pregnancies and more.   Sending love to all of you!  

Hubby and I started trying to conceive in November 2006.  That's 6 new year celebrations hoping and praying for "this to be OUR year."  I remember last year being so bitter and angry on New Years Eve.  We always get together with a group of friends for dinner and then drinks and dessert to ring in the new year.  We had a couple of our friends staying at our house, and I remember the wife telling me early in the day how depressed she was because they had been trying to conceive for 5 months and they hadn't been able to.  Five. Whole. Months!  (By the way, they conceived the following cycle, and with their first child conceived on the first cycle)  She knew the journeys we had been through, yet still said this to me.   I honestly was breathing fire all day long.  I was pissy to my husband because he was drinking up a storm and having a good ole time, while I sipped on a drink and then moved to pop and water because "who knows -- this might be our month".  I was bitter that we were the only couple at our party who didn't have kids.  It was not a good scene and I was not a fun person to be around.  

This year we got to celebrate the new year by telling our friends we are pregnant.  We kept the announcement low key as we know how much it hurts to hear this news for some.  In fact  one of the couples at our party we don't see very often, and their reaction made me think of how I've reacted to pregnancy announcements over the years.  I now wonder if they are on this journey too.  

I'm hopeful and excited for 2013.  I believe this is the year we WILL become parents!  I'm overwhelmed at the thought of beginning to look for furniture, and moving everything out of our guest room and touring day care options.  I'm amazed at watching my belly expand and moving on to a new wardrobe.  I'm thrilled to not have to hide our news anymore and to have it out in the open and be able to talk about it.  I absolutely love being pregnant!  

However, I'm also scared.  I'm scared that something bad is going to happen.  I'm scared that   at my doctor's appointment this week, there won't be a heartbeat. I'm scared that my moods are going to cause friction in close relationships.   I just want to wrap my belly in bubble wrap for the next 6 months so no harm can be done.   A big piece of me will always be tied to this journey -- our infertility journey, and being pregnant does not take away that journey.  

I wish for all of you a year of dreams come true, successful cycles, take-home babies, matches for adoptions and most of all, happiness and peace.  Happy 2013.  

PS -- New blog post and pictures on my pregnancy blog.  I hope you will consider joining me there.   http://twinklelittlestar2013.blogspot.com/