Inaugural Post

I set this blog up a long time ago...about a year ago to be exact.  I've been a little leary of starting...wondering if I will keep up on it, afraid of sharing "too much information", afraid of what my emotions will show if I put all of this into words, but I decided if I don't document some of this, I'm going to go crazy.  I need an outlet.  I've never been a journaler, but I love reading other ladies' blogs.  So here we go...

I'm 35 years old (35 was a really tough birthday for me), I live in a small town, and I work in Human Resources.  I'm married and have a wonderful assortment of family and friends.  We've been on the journey to have a baby for about 4.5 years now.  We've done some assisted things here and there (Clomid, Femara, IUIs), and have done the first step of meeting with a homestudy professional, but have decided that's not really the way for us.  So we've decided to go au natural and see what happens.  The thing is, there is nothing diagnosable that we "can't" overcome by ourselves.  In the last year I've started seeing a naturopath, an acupuncturist and a massage therapist on a regular basis. I've started doing yoga off and on and have toyed around with trying reiki, but haven't yet.  I try to keep stress to a minimum, at least as much as you can when you are facing infertility, but have a strong type A personality.  Some might call me spoiled, but this is truly the first time I haven't been able to get exactly what I want, and pretty much when I want it.  It's true -- up to this point, life has been pretty easy. 

Nearly 6 months ago, out of the blue (COMPLETELY out of the blue), I found myself pregnant.  I thought my period had started, and then it promptly stopped, like the next morning, then some spotting and then stopped again.  So I took a test (I'm generally anti-testing) and voila -- the test went positive immediately!  My first beta was 100, and my second was 300, so we thought we were good to go.  It was one of the happiest days of my life, and the happiest two weeks of my life, even though I was nauseous and exhausted.  Then, the worst day of my life -- the day before our first ultrasound with the RE, I started spotting heavier and then bleeding (I had spotted off and on the whole two weeks I knew I was pregnant).  I knew it was over, but the ultrasound confirmed it.  At 7 weeks, there was no heartbeat -- there was a blighted ovum. 

I still remember the look on my husband's face when I told him I was pregnant.  He came to pick me up after work as we were meeting some friends for dinner.  I told him I had good news and bad news for him...the good news was that we were going to have a really cool anniversary gift this year (my estimated due date was 2 days before our anniversary) and the bad news was that he was going to have to take over the duties of cleaning our cat's litterbox.  He cried, I cried, and when he dropped me off at my car later that night, he told me to be extra careful cause there was now three of us. 

I can't believe the amount of grief I have felt in the past six months, having only known this baby for 2 weeks.  Some say a blighted ovum baby never developed and was never there.  But I know there was a baby there and choose to believe that it was reabsorbed by my body, leaving just the sac behind. 

This blog is to help me through this journey of emotions, one day at a time.