This Story Makes Me Want to Throw Up

Recently in the local media, there was "breaking news" about a 22 year-old woman in a small town nearby where I live.  A coworker had called the police because this woman had come to work one day looking like she had lost a severe amount of weight.  The police went to check on her and found she had given birth in the last couple of days to twin girls, at home,  who she killed (details haven't been released) and put in the trunk of her car.  When questioned by police, she stated that she had never intended for the babies to live after they were born. 

Fast forward to today when she made her initial court appearance and pleaded NOT GUILTY!  This is after admitting that she killed her newborns purposely. 

I was at my desk when I read this latest development today.  I truly thought I was going to throw up.  I'm not going to go into all of the ways this makes me sick.  I'm sure you all know how it makes me feel. 

And because of this I believe the world is just not fair.  I truly don't understand. And again, I want to throw up.


"I'm Fine" and A Story

What is it that always makes me say "I'm fine" when I'm really not? 

Earlier this week, a person in my office made an offhand comment that implied a miscarriage was really no big deal.  I had to walk away from the conversation before I said something potentially inappropriate, but before I knew it I got thinking back to when I had my miscarriage.  It happened on a Thursday, so I was able to take bereavement leave on Thursday and Friday and then return to work on Monday.  I remember being in a fog and when anyone asked me how I was doing for several days, I said "I'm fine" (they all thought I had been out with the flu).  Of course I wasn't. 

Then I thought about how often I say "I'm fine" when really I'm not.  When really, I just want to say "life sucks right now, I got my period today" or "isn't it my luck that the little stick this morning told me I'm ovulating but hubby is out of town -- there goes another month of hopes and dreams"  or "I had to drag myself out of bed today and then was welcomed to the office by my coworker and her ultrasound picture." 

I work in a pretty high profile position in my organization.  I know a lot of employees and I find myself walking down the hallways in the organization smiling and saying "I'm fine" everytime I'm asked.

Sometimes I wish I had the guts to just be honest. 
So for the last 4 - 5 months, my periods have been horrendous, horrible, miserable.  Lots of cramping, spotting for 2-3 days and then heavy bleeding for another 7, lots of clots passed. (I've always had heavy periods, but these are out of control)  It's happened on both Femara and natural cycles.  So off to the RE I went, who told me what I already knew -- ultrasound (sonohystogram) and bloodwork were needed  to find out what's going on. 

Last Wednesday I went in to be prodded and poked.  The sonohystogram showed no growths in my uterus, but lots of "gunk" (really -- could there have been a better word choice) that my RE a little too happily told me was "cleared out by the saline".  My uterus was declared "boring", which I was assured was a good thing.  Secretly, I had hoped they would find a growth or polyp or something that would quickly explain what was going on and be a potential reason for why I haven't gotten pregnant again since my miscarriage.  I was put on Flagyl for a small infection (nasty nasty little drug).

Next was bloodwork.  I was told one of the tests had to be sent out so I could call to get my results the following Monday or Tuesday.  I called on Tuesday of this week and the nurse left me a voice mail that 2 of the 3 results were back, but they were still waiting on one.  I was away from my desk a lot this week, so decided to give it a couple of days and call back on Thursday.  I called back first thing on Thursday and left a message on the nurse line.  The day proceeded with no return phone call which made me a bit concerned.  Finally at 4:30 their phone number appeared on my cell phone and to my surprise the lab director was on the other line.  Yep, the courier had lost my specimen somewhere between the clinic and the outside lab. 

So off it was to the clinic again today to get the blood redrawn, and the 5 day wait begins again. 

All this, along with the fact that I never got the smiley face on my OPKs this month (but think the digital reader may have had a dying battery), makes me think this may be the month I end up pregnant...

Wouldn't that be ironic???


Because I Will Be a Kick-Ass Mom!

That's why infertility SUCKS! 

That's how I feel this week...


Bring it on 2012!

I'm a bit late in posting a new years blog -- so happy 2012 everyone!  Many of you will be bringing home your babies this year (yeah!) while others of us will hopefully get our BFPs and sticky babies this year.  I saw this on Josie's blog and thought it was fun (love the name of her blog btw).  She recently gave birth to a very adorable Stella after iui.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before? 
started going to the chiropractor -- I know it's a small thing but I grew up in an anti-chiropractic house believing that once you start you can't stop.  I tend to have a very tight back, shoulders and neck, so after lots of consideration, I decided to give it a go.  The first one I went to did not click with me (she made me watch videos and wanted to see me 3x per week) so I found another who doesn't pressure me at all (and has an AMAZING roller bed).  \

2. Did you keep your 2011 resolutions, and will you make more next year?
I don't really make resolutions -- never have.  I always hated going to the gym in January because so many people had made that their new years resolution, but by February, they had quit coming.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister gave me another nephew and two of our couple friends each gave birth to their second. 
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.  Though back when we initially looked at adoption several years ago, we started the homestudy process, and I just found out that the guy who worked with us on that died very unexpectedly in the last couple of weeks.  I'm not really sure why but it hit me hard. 
5. What countries did you visit?
None, but lots of states other than my own.
6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
See a BFP that results in a sticky rainbow baby!
7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
The day my nephew was born, and the great one-on-one cuddle time I got with him while he was in the hospital; my should have been due date; a weird summer (due to hubby's work), a fun trip in October with hubby.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting elected to a Board of Directors for a local community program
9. What was your biggest failure?
No BFPs :-(
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing worth mentioning
11. What was the best thing you bought?
A new mattress (exciting eh?  I know you are jealous!)
An awesome package with my massage therapist which lowered the cost of each massage to about $30 -- love that!
12. Where did most of your money go?
Mortgage, car payments, fun stuff like that

13. What did you get really excited about?
A long vacation with the hubby and 10 days in a row off of work!
14. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Hmmmm...not sure

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
-Happier or sadder? Not gonna lie -- definately sadder
-thinner or fatter? Thinner by about 30 - 35 pounds
-Richer or poorer? About the same financially

16. What do you wish you'd done more of?
spending time with family and friends, scrapbooking, spending time on the water kayaking, looking at the positive side of things, focusing more on my needs vs the needs of others
17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Screen time, getting lost in Facebook world
18. How did you spend Christmas?
With my hubby's family (then with my family the next day)
19. What was your favorite TV program?
What Not to Wear
20. What were your favorite books of the year?

21. What was your favorite music from this year?
I Just Haven't Met You Yet (Michael Buble)
Someone Like You (Adele)
Blessings (Laura Story)
Lead Me (Sanctus Real)
22. What were your favorite films of the year?

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Spent the day with my best friend and went kayaking with my hubby.  I turned 29 again!  :-) 

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I'm gonna say that is probably a given at this point.
25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

26. What kept you sane?
Massage, time with friends and family, meeting a whole new group of people through blogging, and feeling amazing support (sorry if that's super sappy).  Truly, just knowing others are going through the journey, and writing a post and having others write the nicest things is truly amazing and lifts me up.
27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Try something to laugh about everyday. 

We had a good new year.  I was in a terribly bitchy mood on New Years Eve, but hopefully I covered it somewhat decently.  I think I mentioned in my last post that I was expecting a pregnancy announcement from one of our couples friends.  I knew they were trying for #2, but there was no announcement (their first was conceived on the first or second month of trying).  They know generally that we have been trying for a long time, but no specific details.  So she and I were sitting talking and she states "I can drink for new years.  We've been trying to conceive (said for about the 3rd  time that day) since August, but I keep getting my period every month.  I really thought I would be pregnant in September."  I truly think I must have looked at her like she was crazy.  I responded -- "yep, so do I".  What I wanted to say was "Really, welcome to my world.  Did you really just tell me that you thought you would be pregnant within one month, and were getting worried after 4 months? Try going on about 60 months of TTC." 

I think I need one of those massages now!  :-)

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