I'm Sure I Will Regret Writing this Post...UPDATED

...much like I have regretted peeing on all pregnancy tests other than one (the one that told me I truly was pregnant).  Peeing on those pregnancy tests, except that one time, have all resulted in my period starting approximately 2 minutes later. This is why I haven't peed on a pregnancy test since the positive one 20 months ago.

So here I sit on day 28 of my cycle.  And this month just seems different...which makes me get my hopes up.  Here's how:

By the way, I'm quite certain I ovulated on day 13 -- didn't do any testing or temping , just general feel of my body.

Typical symptom:  I spot for 1 - 1.5 days before starting the full flow.
This month:  I've been spotting since Saturday morning.  Some brown, some red, but definitely longer than normal, like 2 x 3 times longer than normal.  (when I was pregnant I thought I had started my period, but then it promptly stopped and was more like spotting).  

Typical symptom:  Breast tenderness/soreness -- generally starts on the right boob and moves over to the left.
This month:  My left boob is SUPER sore/tender, and my right is just a little bit.

Typical symptom:  Annoying headache a day before and during the spotting day.
This month:  Annoying headache on day 25, but I attribute that to the massage I had the day before. No headache since -- not even a hint.

Typical symptom:  Cramping a day or two before the spotting and through the first day or two of full flow.
This month:  Cramping on day 23 - 25, but nothing since.

Typical symptom:   Diarrhea (sorry but yes, I am going there) during the cramping period.
This month:  Nada but normal regularity and I've had plenty of ... ahem... fiber.

Typical symptom:  Crazy desire to cry my eyes out over stupid things (like seeing a dead raccoon on the side of the road) about a day before spotting and during the spotting period.
This month:  No crazy desire to cry my eyes out.  But I did just have some time away from work and life in general.

Typical symptom:  Breaking out like I'm 14 again all over my face. (maybe I exaggerate a little)
This month:  Nothing out of the norm.

So the moral of this story is that I am most likely reading too much into this...but a girl can hope, right?  At least for 2 minutes.

 Update: it was more than 2 minutes....more like 9 hours...damn!!! Here we go again.

GAME OVER...all symptoms and AF arrived today -- oh joy!


A Hoax and a Book

Like many in blog-land, I was  disappointed to find out that the story I linked to in my last post (Courtney) was all a hoax and her blog has been removed.  I had even read  how people were saying it was a hoax in their comments, and thought, "seriously, noone would do that".  I was actually annoyed at those who were saying it was a hoax because they were talking about her dates not adding up and thought "really, she is going through this pain and someone is looking so thoroughly at her dates to figure out if it is possible or not."    Well, apparently the story and the blog were made up, and while I'm annoyed that her story provoked so many negative emotions in me unnecessarily, mostly I'm sad for her and that she had to make this up.  I think we all know that IF, losing a child (whether born or unborn), and the whole process of trying to conceive is hard, full of emotions, and frankly, unfair.  I truly hope she gets the help she needs.

Last week hubby and I had another counseling appointment, and we are making progress slowly, I think.(I, of course, want things to happen quickly, and have to realize this isn't going to be the case -- you would think I would have learned patience on this fertility journey)  I then headed out of town for 2.5 days, which was much needed after a week from complete hell at work.  The trip was great, relaxing, and way too short.  I'll write more about the trip in an upcoming post.

I've been doing a lot of reading so far this year, averaging at least 1-2 books per month.  For the trip, I picked up one I had been eying for awhile...Escape by Barbara Delinsky.

It was a good book -- and fitting for what is going on in my life right now and the fact that last week I really was trying to escape.  However, I was annoyed by a secondary storyline, which was predictable and a total cliche.  --don't read any further if you don't want to know how one of the storylines comes out --  The main character, Emily, and her husband are having a hard time conceiving and are just about to start medications, when Emily escapes her real life and goes to a place of her past to sort through some things and relax.  About 2 weeks into her escape, her husband finds her, shows up for a brief interlude, and then leaves again.  And boom, 2 weeks later, she realizes she is late and takes a pregnancy test.  Of course it is positive, simply because she "relaxed".  I saw that one coming from the moment she said at the beginning of the book that they were trying and she was disappointed that she had just gotten her period.

Well if it were that simple, I would  have just RELAXED  years ago.  I'd probably have 2 or 3 children by now if I had...

I know that truly does work for some, and I'm a true believer that stress plays a role in fertility.  If I didn't, I wouldn't try to manage my own type a personality with massage, acupuncture and an occasional yoga session.  

Overall, it was a good book, and I would recommend it.  Just know that the fertility storyline does sting a little bit, even if you see it coming.  


Please Pray...and Going Away for a Couple of Days

Please pray for Courtney and her husband.  They had to say goodbye to their rainbow baby C today after a car accident.  She joins her sister in heaven.  Courtney's husband was also in the car and also had some major injuries.

I'm heading out for 2 1/2 days -- all by myself.  I joke that I am "running away", and while I say that with a laugh, I'm really pretty serious about it.  I need some time to myself.  I need to be away from work.  I need to be away from home.  I need some "me" time. I need some time to do some serious thinking.    

We have another couples counseling session in the morning.  I don't know what to expect.  We'll see.  


This One Gave Me the Chills Too...

About a week ago, I posted about Maria and her husband T and their amazing adoption story.  It gave me the chills to read.

Today, I read another blog that's ending gave me the chills.  I just recently started following Heather (found her on Lost and Found and Connections Abound).  She and her husband had just decided to end their TTC journey and move on to a child-free life after many years of infertility treatments.  Anyway, after a relaxing vacation, she got a natural BFP!!!

These stories give me such hope and make me so happy for Heather and Maria.  What joy they must be feeling right now.

These things also generally happen in threes -- so who is next?

I think I mentioned previously that I am having a rough time at work right now.  Some of it has to do with TTC, some of it doesn't.  I keep our TTC journey and all that goes with it pretty private at the office.  Friday I walked into my office to find this sitting on my desk:

I had given this to a co-worker because he just passed a big certification exam and I thought he should feel like Superman.  He couldn't have chosen a better time than to leave this for me (with the added note) -- it's exactly what I needed.


Thank you!

Thank you ladies for all of your thoughts, prayers and kind words today.  Our appointment went as well as could be expected for a first appointment.  It was really just a lot of fact gathering -- no decision making or getting deep into things.  We both liked the therapist, he was very low-key and as hubby said "a man of few words".  We will go back on the 20th for another appointment.  While I want to have resolve sooner than later, I realize this has to happen through baby steps.  It just doesn't help my anxiety to have it drag out...

Unfortunately, my therapist was sick, so I did not get to have my appointment with her.  I found this out just as I was leaving for our couple's session and I have to say it sent me into a major meltdown.  I am so frustrated because I waited 5 weeks for this appointment with her and am now being told I have to wait another 4 for her next first available opening, but they will put me on the cancellation waiting list (which I was on for the last 5 weeks with no cancellations).  This is unacceptable to me and I have a call into the clinic manager to see what he can do.  I'm not sure I can wait a whole month longer to process my own thoughts and feelings with my impartial therapist.  

I'm thinking of "running away" by myself for a couple of days next week.  Husband is aware of it and seems supportive.  I am so stressed out with all of this and an amazingly stressful time at work that I feel like if I don't have some downtime I am going to literally fall apart. I feel like I don't know who I am right now.  Now I just need to get the courage up to ask for the time off of work (there's already one person on our team on maternity leave - oh joy!) so it's tight.  I love my husband, my friends, my family and my co-workers, but I really just need some time to process the events of the last 6 weeks and work on finding myself again.  

In other news, blogger doesn't seem to want to let me comment on blogs tonight. 

Thank you again for your love and support -- I really don't know what I would do without you ladies!



Tomorrow (Thursday) is husband and my's counseling appointment....which will hopefully help us start to work through what happened 5 weeks ago (the halting of our first IVF cycle) and determine what happens next.  I follow that with my individual counseling session with my regular therapist, who just happens to be at the same office.

I'm not going to lie...I'm a little freaked out about this.  I know it will be good to talk it out with someone, but I'm scared of the outcome and what decisions will likely need to be made.

My emotions have gone from feeling numb to pretty much crying about every little thing.  It's not pretty.

Any prayers and/or thoughts you can send my way tomorrow would be appreciated!


Some Days You Just Can't Get Away From It...

And on days like today, I could only laugh...because if I didn't, I would have cried.

Husband and I went out to a local lake this morning to go sailing.  As we are out there, we run into a gentleman in a kayak and he starts asking us about sailing. It was a nice conversation.   Pretty soon, another kayaker (lady) comes up and the 2 kayakers realize they know each other.  As we start to float away from them, I hear the her ask him about his wedding and then hear him state that he is soon going to be the father of twin boys.  For the next five minutes as we float further and further away, I continue to hear their conversation about their names, how far along they are, how big they are, and on and on and on.  I guess it's not safe to even go sailing with my husband anymore.  Who knew?

Afterwards we were hungry so we stopped by a local restaurant for lunch. As we were sitting on the patio, I see a man and two women walk up to the restaurant -- it appears to be a couple and one of their moms.  And yep, the woman in the couple is pregnant.  I figure they will come out to the patio too...and 2 minutes later, there they are, sitting at the table next to us, giant belly and all.  Figures.

Later this afternoon we needed to pick up some supplies at a local hardware store, and then I needed one more ingredient for something to make for work, so decided to stop by the dreaded Wal-Mart.  Not shocking that nearly every other woman in the store was pregnant...

I may just stay in the house from now on.
On Friday I saw my Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner for a med check.  I've been on anti-depressants for many years, but have just in the last year moved away from my family doctor for this purpose.  The person I see is pretty straight laced so I had to chuckle a bit when she went through the usual litany of questions -- "are you involved in social activities?"  "are you suicidal?"  "are you homicidal?" -- and with that she gave me a little smile.  And I chuckled a bit, which felt good, as I don't seem to do that much anymore.

What I appreciated most was that she told me her personal story -- not about infertility, but about how her husband also changed his mind regarding how to have children/if to have children during their marriage.  Sadly it made me connect to her more.

Thankfully she was also able to give me something for the panic/anxiety attacks that I seem to be having on nearly a daily basis anymore.  Unfortunately, the pharmacy wasn't able to fill it on Friday, so I still don't have it yet...but am hopeful for some relief.  

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