Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

Today I should be 34. 5 weeks pregnant.  We should have the nursery completed. I should be exhausted from being this pregnant.  I should be complaining about how everything hurts, aches, etc.  I should be on my way to nesting.  I should be excitedly finalizing names and dreaming about whether it is a boy or a girl. 

Instead, these are all things I am wishing were true, when in reality, our spare bedroom (the someday nursery) is a complete mess that needs attention that I don't have right now, I'm sore and exhausted from yoga class and ongoing depression, I don't have the energy or stamina to clean, and my dreams haunt me with pregnancy, only to wake up to find out it isn't true. 

Instead I am looking at going on Femara again, because, as I predicted, something is not quite right with my hormones (most likely because of the 30 pounds I've lost over the last several months -- about 20% of my weight).  Instead, I have been put on a new antidepressant to deal with my depression and anxiety issues.  Instead, I cuddle other people's new babies and hope and pray that someday I will have one of my own.  Instead, I cry silently inside when friends tell us they are expecting baby #2 and tell us ALL about it... (no, I don't care to know how baby #2 was created). 

Instead, I bury myself in my work and don't talk about the elephant in the room.  It's just easier that way.  Less painful. 

My supposed to be due date is in less than 6 weeks now.  Anyone have any ideas of coping and getting through this day?


  1. Hello, nice to "meet" you. I am sorry for your loss and I wish I had an answer to your last question. I don't know how to make that date any easier to handle. I wish you peace as you move forward.

  2. I'm so sorry about the loss of your baby (((hugs)))

    The shoulda, coulda, woulda's are so sad and so difficult to deal with. Regarding your due date, here are some things that helped me:
    1. Take the day off of work! Three years later I still take this day off.
    2. Think of some things to do during the day to remember your baby or care for yourself but don't make solid plans to do anything. In case you feel like doing nothing you won't have plans to cancel.
    3. Have friends or family on standby. My friends came over that night to sit with me while I drank myself numb that first year.

    The time leading up to your baby's due date is often worse than the actual day.

    I'm sorry you are going through this.

  3. I'm so sorry for your loss and your struggles to conceive, I know the pain of both well and hate to hear of others dealing with these losses. We lost our first daughter at 23wks into my pregnancy after conceiving via IVF. For her unfulfilled due date my husband and I took the day off work together, went to a local nursery and picked out a tree to plant in our front yard in our daughters memory. It was a sad, but healing act for us and I think brought us both some comfort. As Anna said the day leading up the due date is much worse than the actual day. Thinking of you and sending hope & love your way ((hugs))

  4. Thanks ladies -- for your thoughts and support. Right now I have the day off, an appointment with my therapist and a 2 hour massage planned. I'm sorry that we have to find each other through this, but am thankful for the support!


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