July ICWL...Welcome!

Welcome to those visiting from ICWL for July.  I look forward to checking out your blogs and getting to know you better!

Hubby and I have been married for 7 years and trying to conceive for 5+ of that.  We have not been very aggressive with our treatments, and are *hoping* for that miracle.  We have lower than normal, but not horrible counts for him, and not so impressive AMH and FSH for me.  We have done 3 unsuccessful IUIs and multiple months of Clomid and Femara.  In September 2010 we were surprised to find out I was pregnant after my period started and them promptly stopped.  This was during a month of no treatments.  Unfortunately, it was short lived, and at 7 months I miscarried naturally the day of our first ultrasound.  

In January of this year, after much thought and deliberation, we decided to move forward with one round of IVF starting in May, however, two nights before I was to start the birth control pills, my husband decided he was no longer interested in proceeding with IVF.

We are now in couples therapy (and I continue individual therapy) and are making slow, but steady progress.  We have found a wonderful therapist (we had tried therapy a couple of years ago, but found a really great guy who promptly told us about how he and his wife got pregnant 2 months after they got married, even though they were older at the time).    I am hopeful we may look at IVF again, or move towards adoption.

Most of the time I wonder if we would be one of those couples who gets pregnant after we stop trying (since we've been pregnant before which we were told would never happen naturally).  Unfortunately, I don't know how to *stop* trying.  I don't know how to shut off all of the thoughts and feelings going through my head.

I am over 35 and believe strongly in alternative medications and treatment such as vitamins, chiropractic care, acupuncture, and just simple clean living.  I do not believe that numbers are destiny, and that they can in fact be changed for the positive.  I will not let numbers rule my life and I hate it when doctors treat them like they are a death sentence (i.e. just because my AMH was low and my FSH was slightly high ONCE, then there is no chance of us conceiving -- whatever!)

I don't know where this journey is leading us, but thanks for joining us!

Apparently I'm Not Hiding It So Well

I spent today volunteering for an organization that I am on the board of directors for and have been involved with for 15+ years.  This is a one time a year event, and there are several people I see only this one day each year.  This afternoon I was talking to one of the other volunteers, Doug, who I've known for more than 10 years (but only see once a year) and as we were wrapping up our conversation, he said, "You look and seem sad or depressed, are you sure everything is okay?"  I smiled and said "yes, everything is fine" because that's what I do in these situations.

But on the inside, I was saying "holy crap, I look sad and depressed???"

You see, I pride myself on being able to appear that I have it all together -- that everything is going my way, even when it is not.  I've done this for years and years.  I was a theatre minor in college for goodness sake...this is what I do...I'm a master of this. There have been many days I haven't felt like getting out of bed, but I always force myself to do so, and to put on a happy face to say "everything is a-okay."

But the truth is, everything isn't fine.  I'm sad.  I'm depressed.  I hurt.  I want to sleep ALL of the time.  I don't want to be social.  I'm not in a good place.  I want a baby.  I want to be pregnant.  I want to be done with infertility.  I want to have a good relationship with my husband again.

My psychiatric nurse practitioner has me trying a new anti-depressant -- Effexor.  So I'm currently weening myself off of Zoloft and starting the Effexor.  I don't think it is going well.  She didn't think the Zoloft was doing enough for my irritability.  I guess we will see.

A month or so ago I would have said I was anxious, not depressed.  In fact I was having panic attacks on a regular basis.  Now, I just feel sad, depressed, lonely.  In a funk.

I know I will be okay eventually. That this feeling will pass.  But for right now it sucks.

On a totally unrelated note, blogger won't let me comment on anyone's posts.  Annoying.