Apparently I'm Not Hiding It So Well

I spent today volunteering for an organization that I am on the board of directors for and have been involved with for 15+ years.  This is a one time a year event, and there are several people I see only this one day each year.  This afternoon I was talking to one of the other volunteers, Doug, who I've known for more than 10 years (but only see once a year) and as we were wrapping up our conversation, he said, "You look and seem sad or depressed, are you sure everything is okay?"  I smiled and said "yes, everything is fine" because that's what I do in these situations.

But on the inside, I was saying "holy crap, I look sad and depressed???"

You see, I pride myself on being able to appear that I have it all together -- that everything is going my way, even when it is not.  I've done this for years and years.  I was a theatre minor in college for goodness sake...this is what I do...I'm a master of this. There have been many days I haven't felt like getting out of bed, but I always force myself to do so, and to put on a happy face to say "everything is a-okay."

But the truth is, everything isn't fine.  I'm sad.  I'm depressed.  I hurt.  I want to sleep ALL of the time.  I don't want to be social.  I'm not in a good place.  I want a baby.  I want to be pregnant.  I want to be done with infertility.  I want to have a good relationship with my husband again.

My psychiatric nurse practitioner has me trying a new anti-depressant -- Effexor.  So I'm currently weening myself off of Zoloft and starting the Effexor.  I don't think it is going well.  She didn't think the Zoloft was doing enough for my irritability.  I guess we will see.

A month or so ago I would have said I was anxious, not depressed.  In fact I was having panic attacks on a regular basis.  Now, I just feel sad, depressed, lonely.  In a funk.

I know I will be okay eventually. That this feeling will pass.  But for right now it sucks.

On a totally unrelated note, blogger won't let me comment on anyone's posts.  Annoying.


  1. Sending lots of love your way. I,too,have been known to be a maste of hiding depression. I am sorry that you are in such a bad place right now. I really hope the new med helps. And, as hard as it is,sometimes it feels good when someone figures it out, I think. ((hugs))

  2. No one can hold it together all the time. That's a lot of pressure on yourself. I am so glad you are on top of your feelings and hopefully they can get sorted out soon. It's not easy feeling sad all the time. I have been there and it is like a deep hole that you can't climb out of. Hope the new meds. work the way they are supposed to and you can slowly climb out of that whole. Thinking of you...

  3. (BIG HUGS) I hope the switch from Zoloft to Effexor is just what you need, like L said, no one can hold it together all the time. It's human to feel and everyone wears different masks during the day to cover their emotions at one point in their lives or another. Some just do it for longer stretches of time, and trust me when I say it gets exhausting. I'm glad you reached out and asked for help and got started on something, and I hope it starts to kick in soon. I've battled depression for years and it can be all consuming at times. You don't want to sleep, eat, or do anything at all. Nothing holds your interest and you just are a shell of your former self. It sucks. Sometimes we think we are hiding it well, I know for me it became like a 2nd job, and when someone notices it can make us both panic and breathe a sigh of relief. You realize a) I'm not hiding it well and b) you aren't alone in this, other people care. It will take time once the meds kick in for you to start to feel like yourself again, and talking really does help. Even if it is just with your counselor, or if you write it down in a journal or something that could help to. It took I think 3-4 months for my moods to start to stabilize for me on the meds and for me to start to make the slow climb out of the deep dark "hole" I guess you could call it. You WILL be yourself again, just take it one day at a time. You just have to know that it DOES get better. Feel free to e-mail me anytime if you want to talk more. (Hugs) Wishing you all the best as always.

  4. **hugs** Life can get *hard* sometimes, and seeing therapists, being active about your treatment, these are really important things...and harder to do when you're depressed. I hope the new antidepressants work better and that each day is a little bit brighter. In the meantime, be good to yourself. As you said, things will get better, but that doesn't make them any easier right now.

  5. Here from ICLW. I hadn't been hiding it so well either. I hope the medication switch helps you. I recently switched from Celexa to Effexor and it has really helped my mood. The transition was weird though. Good luck to you.

  6. It sounds like this man's comment spoke to you much more than anyone who said you looked great that day. Not that it's nice to hear that we look crappy, but I'm sure that in Doug's comment, there was genuine concern on his part and the relief of being genuinely known on your part. It's not that we want to go around and show everyone the depths of our feelings all the time. Life would be so tedious if it were that way. But I think that we do form genuine connections with people, and that being seen, truly *seen* by them brings us great relief and a sense of being real to others. It sounds like the interaction may have felt to you like you were 'discovered' in your pain, and I'm sorry that it rattled you. I'm just glad that there are good hearted people in your life who care about you and know that things are so hard for you right now.

    I hope that life has so much peace and joy for you in the near future. In the mean time, I hope you are able to take very good care of yourself.

  7. Hi from ICLW!

    I have had this exact conversation with myself. I'm just starting to realize that my "act" hasn't been as good as I thought it was. Ugh.

    I was also put on Effexor at one time. I know everyone is different and I have a friend who swears by it, but it did not cooperate with my body. So be aware (as you should be with any drug) and if things aren't going well, tell your doctor! Zoloft is my drug of choice and now that I'm off of it (in preparation of TTC), I am one big hot mess. LOL


  8. JJ-Holding you close in my prayers. I feel like we are dealing with the same exact feelings and depression. I really hope you feel better on the effexor, you'll have to let me know. I'm on zoloft now and I think its doing its job, but not 100%. I'm glad they are trying something else for you, it sucks to feel this way. I pray that your husband is supportive and understanding, sometimes its just hard for them to understand why we are like this. My counselor had to talk to my husband about me in order for him to fully understand it. One day, I hope we can look back at what we had to go through and understand it because sometimes its hard to understand it all right now. Email me anytime you want.


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