Excuse Me While I Go Throw Up

This is how I felt tonight after reading an article.  Upon reading it the first time, my immediate reaction was to throw up, literally getting sick to my stomach.  My next emotion was anger -- how can someone possibly feel this way?   As I read the article again an hour later, my final emotion was sadness, gut wrenching sadness.

Let me explain...

My Twitter feed today was all abuzz regarding this article.   As a general synopsis, this is written by a dad, who has a young son, but he and his wife wanted their son to have a sibling and were struggling with secondary infertility.  They decided to do IVF, and are now pregnant with twins after they CHOSE to transfer 2 embryos.  These twins are unfortunately both boys (they really wanted a girl) and apparently are going to ruin their lives and make sure their parents never sleep ever again.  In general they are pissed off about having twins, even getting to the point where they did genetic testing, hoping that one of them would have an abnormality so it would give them a reason to do selective reduction.  Do YOU want to throw up yet?  Oh, and yes, the father who wrote this article has chosen to stay anonymous, not even having the balls to say who he is.  

It's easy to be angry with this guy and his wife.  If there's any question about it, just read the comments section.  I was angry after reading it too.

But soon my anger turned into sadness.

Sad that these children are already seen as a burden by their parents, even though they made the CHOICE to transfer two embryos because they didn't want to pay for the process twice.

Sad that these two boys will enter the world with the pre-conceived belief that they will both be like their older brother -- crying all the time, likely colicky, and (gasp) fiercely strong-willed, knowing that crying pushes his parent's buttons (and who let's him push these buttons?).

Sad that these parents are comparing the last 4 months of their pregnancy to that of a cancer patient, instead of feeling the joy and connection to these babies as they kick and move inside the womb -- a feeling that many infertile couples will never get to experience.

Sad that they view their first child as "the free one" while CHOOSING to do IVF, and taking on the associated costs, has taken money out of their house fund, their college fund, or other future plans they had.

What makes me the most sad about this story?  Reading these selfish thoughts while knowing, through this community and in real life, SO many couples who would give anything to be able to get pregnant at all; to be able to have a healthy pregnancy; to have the blessing of one, let alone two healthy babies and to stay up all night rocking a crying baby.

If this guy had the guts to identify himself, I would write to him to let him know of all of the wonderful couples who would love to adopt these blessings, so he and his wife don't have to worry about finding space for these children in their one-bedroom apartment,  so he and his wife can rest peacefully at night and so they would be able to continue in their perfect little world, prior to being burdened with a twin pregnancy.

  My heart is heavy.


  1. I don't see the problem with having a reduction if it's upsetting the parents so much to have twins... sounds like it would solve lots of their anguish about the situation. I do not regret my abortion after I was overcome with thoughts much like this anonymous dad... I admire his honesty. I could never write openly about it on a blog.

  2. I think it's bullshit. They CHOSE to have both embryos transferred. Nobody gets to chose how their child will act, or how their pregnancy will be. All I have to say for this coward is that in my opinion he is undeserving of the blessing they were given, and I can't help but already worry about the life those precious babies are going to be brought into. Makes me sick!

  3. This just makes me so angry. I hate how he refers to his child and future children. Don't transfer what you can't handle!

  4. Wow, I just read it and I feel your nausea. That is ridiculous. And sad. Very very sad.

  5. that is absolutely terrible. I can't believe they'd want a baby bad enough to go through IVF and then not wait their boys. how sad.

  6. This is just so awful and frustrating and yes, sad. Not least because I feel like these kinds of stories will feed so much fuel into the many misconceptions the world already has about us in the ALI community.

  7. Makes me so angry. If there was no way they were willing to accept twins, then they should not have transferred two embryos. If they're making a financial decision to transfer two, then they also have to be making an emotional decision that you are OK if two stick around. They can't give themselves a 25% change (or whatever it is in their case depending on age, embryo quality, etc., etc.) of having twins and then be pissed off that it happened!

    And, being angry that it is two boys pisses me off even more.

    Yes, having twins is the most exhausting and stressful and crazy thing I've ever lived through. And, we've got all sorts of guilt because, if we'd only had one, he probably wouldn't have been a preemie. But, I love them both. And, we CHOSE to have two embryos transferred and KNEW that it could happen this way. And, we've talked about it since and, even as crazy as it has been, we've said that we still would have gone back and done the same thing if we could do it again.

    And, yeah, it's crazy. But, it's also awesome. Watching them play together and develop together is amazing.

    And, really, I can't imagine "dealing" with the first year of twins and being angry about them at the same time! That's seriously going to suck for them.

    Sorry to go on about this -- obviously it is something that I'm a little personally passionate about... I could probably rant on and on...

  8. Wow. Just ... wow. Not only is his attitude towards the coming twins callous and cruel, it doesn't even sound like he likes his older son that much. I don't really understand why this family decided to have another child(ren) at all, except for some abstract notion that it's good for kids to have siblings. Seriously, why would you go through a pregnancy, let alone the insanity of IVF, for any reason other than really, really wanting a baby? It just doesn't sound like he does, and it makes me so sad to think that (The Internets being forever, after all) his kids could find that post someday. Can you imagine reading about how your parents didn't really want you?

    This is really making my blood boil.


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