Random Thoughts

My thoughts seem to be scattered all over the place this weekend.  Not sure why...  This past week/weekend has tested my patience in many ways. 

Thursday night I went out with a friend for dinner.  We had walked before that so it was 7:30 or 8 before we even got to the restaurant.  Shortly thereafter, a couple came in with two kids and were seated the next table over.  The kids were 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 and were neither one in good moods (hmmmmm...,maybe because they weren't gonna eat until 8 or 8:30????)  To make a long story short, the kids were whiny and wanted to run around and the parents (who appeared to be in their 40s) didn't seem to know how to handle it.  "Thomas (1 1/2), don't cry right now...mommy wants to eat."  "Thomas, I can't hold you right now, I'm trying to eat."  and my personal favorite, said to the waitress "Do you want to take him home?"  "Thomas, mommy just tried to give you away to the waitress.  Do you want to go home with her?"  Seriously?  You say that to your kid?  It took every fiber of my being to not say anything. 

Saturday I went to get a manicure.  This is not something I indulge in very often, as I am a nail biter and my nails have generally seen better days. I use it more as a reward for myself when my nails actually all grow to the same length at the same time.  I went in, and there were 4 ladies (in their 30s) in the pedicure chairs closeby, as well as a couple of others getting manicures.  The first thing I hear is "Well, I'm gonna have to tell Kelly cause he is gonna wonder why you aren't drinking."  Of course, one of the pedicure girls is pregnant.  Yeah me for choosing this moment to get a nice relaxing manicure.  Come to find out, one of the girls is getting married in 4 weeks and the other 3 were her bridesmaids, having some fun before an evening of partying.  Later it comes out that Miss Pregnant is only 7 weeks along and will be 11 weeks along on the day of the wedding.  I wanted to tell her to not be naive like me, that her world could still come crashing down around her.  Miss Bride was obnoxious the whole time I was there. Her voice was annoying and she needed reassurance on everything -- including how to paint her toenails and fingernails.  At one point the guy doing my nails apologized for her behavior and how loud they were.  But at least my nails look awesome.  :-)

On a good note, I started a new yoga workout today.  I ordered a dvd set on Amazon called "Restoring Fertility".  I have a place I love to go for yoga classes, but unfortunately, for some time now, the times just haven't worked out for me, and living 25 minutes from the studio, it was hard to make it. It is also just once a week, and I would like to practice more often. This dvd consists of 2 cds with 4 different workouts on it.  One for different phases of your cycle -- menstruation, follicular, ovulation and luteal.  Since this is cycle day 5 for me, I started with the menstruation workout.  It was very slow but I think I'm going to like it once I get to the other workouts.  They also had an introduction by the doctor who created the program, talking about how each phase/workout benefits the trying to conceive process.  What have I got to lose?  Now if I can just get in a regular pattern for doing the sessions either before or after work. 

Is it me, or are there pregnant women coming out of the woodwork??? 

Here's to a new week...

Sad

I miss my "baby" so much.  Should she have been born on her due date, she would be 3 months old tomorrow and I would just be returning to work.  (I sensed and dreamed the baby was a girl while pregnant for those precious 7 weeks).

I wear a necklace I bought on Etsy that has a butterfly charm and an emerald stone to always remember my baby in heaven and her official due date month.  Tonight I was out to eat with a friend and the waitress asked me if the emerald was my birthstone.  Just another reminder of what could have/should have been. 

Why?

Why are we infertile? 
Why can a 16 year-old who isn't prepared at all for the world or  a drug addict  have a baby and I can't?
Why is infertility treatment so expensive, invasive and not covered by insurance?
Why are 1 in 8 couples dealing with infertility today when "back in the day" it was babies galore?
Why can't I stop being jealous of every pregnant woman I see?
Why do I live in constant fear that one of my co-workers and/or friends is going to annouce they are pregnant?
Why do I emotionally melt every time one of these announcements is made?
Why can't I get my mind off of this? 
Why can't I just relax about it? (cause we all know that will result in pregnancy)
Why do I have such a hard time talking about infertility with my hubby?
Why can't I bear the thought of us being on different courses with what we do next? (even though I know deep down that we are)
Why does my period seem to play with me every month recently with a few days of spotting and then, just when I've convinced myself that it could be implanatation bleeding, does it start full force?
Why do people ask stupid questions or say stupid things around me in regards to pregnancy, babies and infertility?
Why do I answer "I'm fine" when people ask, when I am really not?
Why is having a baby so easy for some people and so hard for others?
Why can't I control this? 
Why can't I control my emotions?
Why can't I believe it will "just happen" like my husband does? (especially since it happened once)
Why do I bury myself in my work to "avoid" thinking about it?
Why did I have a miscarriage?
Why is adoption so expensive and so risky?
Why can't I have my "take home baby"?
Why do I sometimes think God is sending me a sign that I shouldn't have kids?
Why did I have to grow up without a mom and now I can't be a mom?
Why isn't there a guidebook for this?
Why am I so impatient?
Why can't I know all of the answers?
Why does being infertile take most of the fun out of having sex?
When I talk about infertility, why does everyone say "you would be a great mom!"? 
Why am I mad at God about this?
Why am I mad at everyone and everything about this?
Why can't I be happy with what I DO have, instead of focusing on the sadness of what I don't have?
Why do doctors pressure you into treatment so quickly without looking at the root cause(s)?
Why doesn't someone tell me what we should do, so I don't have to make the decision?
Why do I feel so stuck?

Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why? 

Why me?  Why us?

The Dreaded Question

Monday I realized I was getting a bladder infection.  By Monday evening, it hit full on and I knew it was going to be a long night if I didn't do something about it, so I hit a walk in clinic.  I gave my sample and settled into the room waiting for the results to come in.  The PA (and his student) both examined me...then more waiting.  Never did the dreaded question come up, so I got cocky and thought maybe I'd get through this appointment without hearing it.  Finally they walk in and the PA confirms a bladder infection and gives me a prescriptiion for Cipro.  Then, as I'm about to walk out he asks the question...

wait for it...

"You're not pregnant or trying to get pregnant are you?"

So, I delve into my normal response...

"I'm not that I know of, but I could be." 

So begins the strange looks and more questions. 

"Are you actively trying?  Do you have reason to believe you are pregnant?" 

So I fumble over my words multiple times  "Well I'm not pregnant RIGHT now, but I could be in the proceess of getting pregnant.  I ovulated this weekend, so it is possible."  (in my mind I'm wondering why I even brought it up as the likelihood is so small -- but a girl can hope right?)

"So you ARE actively trying?"

"Yep."  (in my mind I'm thinking "don't even get me started.")

So the prescription gets ripped up and a new safe for pregnancy antibiotic is prescribed.  (and I'm so thankful I will likely never see these two people ever again after fumbling over my words  and looking like a fool)

I then go to a local big box store to get it filled as my normal pharmacy is closed.  And I swear that EVERY pregnant woman in a 15 mile radius is there -- as if to toy with me and my emotions, while it took over a half hour to fill the dang prescription.  Never mind the physical discomfort I was in...the emotional discomfort was much worse. 

All in a Monday night...