The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

The Good:

• I've lost 5 more pounds in the last week or two -- yeah!!!  I'm now down to about 7 - 10 to go to get to my goal weight (which is also my pre-married weight).  I've seriously tried to watch what I put in my mouth and not just eat to eat.  I've also tried to stay "cleaner" when eating -- less processed junk. 
• In going along with that, I'm down to 1 can of diet pop a day.  Not sure if/when I can give it up completely...I did when I was pregnant last year.
• It's getting colder, so it's time for hot drinks.  Besides hot apple cider and an occassional peppermint hot chocolate from Starbucks, I love Caribou Coffee's Hot Cinnamon Spice tea.  The only bummer is you can only order it online so I just bought myself a stash.  I'm not a coffee drinker, and not terribly found of plain tea either.  This doesn't really taste like tea at all and it smells heavenly!  And it is full of cinnamon -- which both my acupuncturist and naturopath suggest to kick my kidneys into action on the reproductive front.
• We got to watch our 1 year-old goddaughter yesterday for a couple of hours.  She took to me quickly and didn't even cry when mom and dad left. 
• I got to spend the day today with my dad working on his rental property, getting it ready for new tenants.  Always fun to spend the day with my dad. 

The Bad:

• It's Sunday night already -- seriously -- how does the weekend go so darn fast?
• It's trick-or-treat night.  Most of the kids are adorable and polite.  However, my pet peeve is kids who don't say thank you and instead their parents yell it from the sidewalk or car (and these kids are old enough to be able to say it themselves).  Of course, this also makes me sad because both my hubby and I are home to hand out candy instead of one of us being out with our child(ren) and one of us at home.  Our child should be 5 months old now...and celebrating their first Halloween.
• Yesterday was the last farmer's market of the season.  This means winter is truly on it's way.
• Watching my hubby with our goddaughter last night nearly ripped my heart out.  He's natural dad material. 
• Two more pregnancy announcements this past week, bringing the grand total up to 3 in the last 10 days.  They say things happen in threes, so I hope we are done for awhile.  Of course, I am thrilled for all three of them (one is an IRL infertile friend I met through yoga), but I'm also sad for me.  One of them is a co-worker so already putting on the armour for shielding myself from all of the pregnancy talk around the office -- "how far along are you", "how are you feeling", etc, etc, etc.  I suppose it would be rude to keep my office door closed for the next 6 months?

The Ugly

• My emotions.  Truly.  Not sure how anyone puts up with me these days.  I'm truly just pissed off at the whole world, and watch out if you catch me at a bad moment.  I'm feeling a bit passive aggressive and not at all talkative ... not a stellar combination.  Add in a bad case of insomnia, a neverending dialogue in my head, and it is a recipe for disaster.  I'm honestly thankful  my husband still seems to love me. 

MIA and Breaking Point

We've been on a little vacation...okay, a pretty long one...and it was nice.  We saw a lot of sights.  I'm not quite ready to be back in real life yet. 

Today I started spotting out of the blue...no warning...no cramping, no headache, slightly sore boobs, but not the usual signs of pending AF.  AF is due this week, so I'm not terribly surprised, but usually "feel" it coming on.  I hate this day or two that I spot before things start full-on.  It gives me hope that maybe this is like the month I found out I was pregnant and the spotting will miraculously stop. 

It's been coming on for quite some time now...but I feel myself reaching the breaking point of this whole TTC thing.  Frankly, I've reached the point where I am ready to throw my hands up in the air and say "okay universe -- you win!" 

Next month is the 5 year mark of throwing away the birth control pills.  This month is the one year mark of my miscarriage.  One year and we're still in the same place.  Maybe this is God's way of telling me I'm not supposed to be a parent.  Sometimes I look around at what's going on in the world and wonder if I really want to bring a child into this.  I told my husband tonight that I have lost all hope, there is really none left.  This is a new low for me.

We have a  couple who are about our age and don't have children.  We've never talked about if they or we are TTC and my husband and I made the assumption they would not have children.  Yet, everytime we go out with them, I wonder if this will be the time they tell us they are pregnant.  Once I see her have a drink,  I can relax a little bit.  The good news is, after seeing them this week, I no longer have to wonder if this will be the time they will tell us they are pregnant, because they are.  It's out in the open now.  And while I am very happy for them -- they will be great parents -- selfishly I am sad for me.  And I feel horrible that I can't be 100% happy for them and just for them.

It's frustrating -- no one in my real life seems to get it.  What it's like to worry everytime you go out with friends (a variety of them) and worry that they are going to make "the big announcement".  Or to sit in a meeting at work and watch a woman rub her pregnant belly.  Or to watch other couples "lap" you, sometimes even twice, in the baby process.  Noone understands why I am obsessed about this, and can't stop.  My husband just looks at me with sad eyes...he doesn't even know what to say. 

And the Winner is...

Thanks ladies for the words of wisdom that have been shared with you through your IF journey.  I am trying to make each of them part of my journey too. 

So I threw the numbers into random.org and the winner of "Fully Fertile" is....#2  Mommy-in-Waiting. Please email me your address at ajourneyofemotions(at)gmail(dot)com and I will get the book sent to you! 

Here's to a great week!