MIA and Breaking Point

We've been on a little vacation...okay, a pretty long one...and it was nice.  We saw a lot of sights.  I'm not quite ready to be back in real life yet. 

Today I started spotting out of the blue...no warning...no cramping, no headache, slightly sore boobs, but not the usual signs of pending AF.  AF is due this week, so I'm not terribly surprised, but usually "feel" it coming on.  I hate this day or two that I spot before things start full-on.  It gives me hope that maybe this is like the month I found out I was pregnant and the spotting will miraculously stop. 

It's been coming on for quite some time now...but I feel myself reaching the breaking point of this whole TTC thing.  Frankly, I've reached the point where I am ready to throw my hands up in the air and say "okay universe -- you win!" 

Next month is the 5 year mark of throwing away the birth control pills.  This month is the one year mark of my miscarriage.  One year and we're still in the same place.  Maybe this is God's way of telling me I'm not supposed to be a parent.  Sometimes I look around at what's going on in the world and wonder if I really want to bring a child into this.  I told my husband tonight that I have lost all hope, there is really none left.  This is a new low for me.

We have a  couple who are about our age and don't have children.  We've never talked about if they or we are TTC and my husband and I made the assumption they would not have children.  Yet, everytime we go out with them, I wonder if this will be the time they tell us they are pregnant.  Once I see her have a drink,  I can relax a little bit.  The good news is, after seeing them this week, I no longer have to wonder if this will be the time they will tell us they are pregnant, because they are.  It's out in the open now.  And while I am very happy for them -- they will be great parents -- selfishly I am sad for me.  And I feel horrible that I can't be 100% happy for them and just for them.

It's frustrating -- no one in my real life seems to get it.  What it's like to worry everytime you go out with friends (a variety of them) and worry that they are going to make "the big announcement".  Or to sit in a meeting at work and watch a woman rub her pregnant belly.  Or to watch other couples "lap" you, sometimes even twice, in the baby process.  Noone understands why I am obsessed about this, and can't stop.  My husband just looks at me with sad eyes...he doesn't even know what to say. 


  1. (Hugs) This is NOT a sign that you aren't meant to be a parent, I promise. Some people just have more twists and turns on their journey of life. While some days it feels like those twists and turns have won and we feel like quitting, you just have to remember that you are stronger than this, you WILL win. I love the quote " You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it." Some days are harder than others, and push us to our breaking points. It isn't fair. I find that on these days just letting it out, grieving, and venting for a few days really helps. I also have a bunch of inspirational quotes saved that I like to read to remind myself that I CAN do this. Infertiles are some of the strongest women I know. You are a strong woman, don't let infertility win.

  2. Thanks for the positive thoughts M-I-W. I appreciate them.

  3. I know how you feel (in that I am going through this too). And thanks M-I-W for your positive thoughts!

  4. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. This is, of course, no sign that you aren't meant to parent. It's hard not to see it that way sometimes, though. I hope things start to feel more positive soon.

  5. I am holding you in my thoughts - life throws us some crazy curve balls. Sending you some sunshine and a BIG hug. xoxo

  6. I'm late to comment but wanted to stop by and say thank you for your kind words on my blog. I know what it feels like to question if you would be a good parent but this is not your fault or anything you've done or would do, it just is the way it is unfortunately. My hope is that it turns around really soon for you.


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