That's the thought that has been hanging heavily on my heart this week. My whole life I have never really been one who enjoys "standing out from the crowd", but instead have prided myself on fitting in (or at least trying to -- sometimes too hard), but right now I feel like I don't fit in at all.
It started this weekend -- we went to see some friends who have two young children. They have moved to a new town and a new house and we were their first non-family visitors. I know they meant no harm, but I cringed every time they talked about how "you don't want to have carpet in your house when you have kids" or "this is such a great neighborhood -- there are just so many KIDS around."
It continued that night when we met up with three other couples for a quick dessert. We are the only ones who don't have any kids...and we are now being lapped by one couple for the second time. So as the conversation focused on kids, "don't do thats", "this is what my kid has done lately", etc, I found myself getting more and more exhausted (and sad). Please don't get me wrong -- I love each of these kids, and I am so blessed by the time we get to spend with them and how much they love us, but sometimes I wish we could have an adult conversation that doesn't revolve around the kids.
This week it seems like every time I turn around I am seeing yet another pregnant belly, or hearing about a new pregnancy, or someone taking leave or going on bedrest (because of my job I hear a LOT about maternity leaves and complications and answer a LOT of questions about the same).
But I think the clincher for me was this morning at work when I simply lost it. One of my teammates had a baby last week, and today, one of my co-workers sent a link to our entire office of the hospital photos that were taken. While I can handle that, the emails that followed throughout the whole office for the rest of the day were just too much for my fragile heart to handle. And I lost it. By myself. With noone around. With noone aware of how much this hurts me. (again, don't get me wrong, I am happy for my co-worker, but also pretty darn jealous).
This week my baby should be turning 1.
I was planning for a big post today to announce the taking of the last birth control pill of our first IVF cycle and the beginning of injections and monitoring and adventures -- oh my!
A lot can change in 3 weeks. I'm not sure that first IVF cycle will ever happen. You see my husband and I had a big fight two nights before my cycle started which resulted in him basically backing out of wanting to proceed with IVF the night before my cycle started (even though he is the one who suggested it in the first place). So the night before I was to start the bcps, we sat on the couch, sobbing together at the unfairness of IF and our now very differing opinions of where to go next on this journey.
So it is off to couples therapy we go...but of course we couldn't get an appointment until mid-June, which remarkably is on the same day I see my own therapist -- whom I couldn't get into for 6 weeks from the day I called. Ridiculous. I mean seriously -- a 6 week wait to see a therapist who I have been a patient of for 2 years now?!? I am hanging on a hope and a prayer that she will have a cancellation before then.
I'm not ready to go into the details, but I feel like I am at a point where I am going to be faced to make a tough decision. A decision I don't want to have to make. I have a LOT of hurt in me right now that I can't seem to process quite yet. So far I have been numb. I was telling my small infertility peer group that I recently joined about what had transpired and I felt inhuman for not crying as I was saying it. This is not me -- I am usually the most emotional person in any room that I am in. I can feel the emotions slowly coming to the surface and am scared as hell as to what is going to happen when they hit hard.
If there is a silver lining to come out of all of this it is that my husband is the most relaxed I have seen him in a long time. Meanwhile, I may be the most stressed out I have been in a long time.
Who knows what the next chapter will bring.
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