Note: I wrote this post on Friday, but Blogger wouldn't let me post it...grrrrrr...
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Welcome ICLW friends! Here's a brief synopsis of our
journey. Been trying to conceive for almost 6 years, taking a very
conservative path. Slightly low sperm numbers, but didn't find anything
else was wrong. Did 3 IUIs -- all BFNs. Did several months of
Femara. On a natural cycle in 2010 we got pregnant and at 7 weeks miscarried.
Tried (and continue to use) lots of alternative/natural treatments
including chiropractic, acupuncture, supplements and diet changes for me.
I lost some weight. Still nothing. This winter we received
news that my numbers had changed for the worse and it looked like my egg
reserve might be getting low (I don't put a lot of faith in numbers so have a
hard time believing this). Even though it was against everything we had
ever said we would/wouldn't do, we decided to proceed with IVF. Two days
before the cycle was supposed to start my husband backed out. I was
heartbroken and we started couples counseling. That was 3 months ago.
Fast forward to today...
I have some new friends awaiting me in my bathroom each morning
when I wake up.
Today is cycle day 2 of our first, and most likely only IVF cycle.
The first three weeks are filled with birth control pills and
testosterone gel -- 1/3 of one of these packets, which pretty much covers my
upper arm and leaves a lovely white residue behind. (I still find it
ironic that after all these years of trying to get pregnant, I now have to take
birth control pills). It's been a whirlwind couple of weeks and my
emotions are in high high high gear! I'm excited, I'm scared shitless,
I'm full of worry, and on and on and on.
Hubby actually suggested it about 10 days ago. I was having one of
my meltdowns where "everything" was going badly in life, and I had
been around one too many pregnant women that day. He's not thrilled
about doing it (at all), but knows how important it is to me that we give it a
try, and I am so full of love for him for that. Earlier this week we met
with our counselor, finalized moving forward, talked with the clinic and started
with this cycle. I think it's good it happened quickly and I didn't have
too much time to think about it! And we've been talking recently about
the fact that a baby could really come out of this and hubby gets all cute and
excited -- he's been bringing up names, the fact he is against co-sleeping, and
those sorts of things. (so while he says he is against IVF, I think deep down he
is excited about the possibilities, but trying to stay level headed for
me)
Best case scenario: The cycle goes smoothly and we get a
take home baby (come June 2013) plus a frosty or two for good measure.
Worst case scenarios: The cycle gets cancelled, no embryos
make it to transfer, or we get a BFN. Because I am scared of the
long-term effects of the medications on my body, I feel strongly that
this is our one and only chance at this. If it doesn't work, we will need
to find peace in being childless, or begin the adoption process.
I'm choosing to look at the best case scenarios and spend my time
dreaming about that. I just took a coaching class this week and one of
the key components is staying in the present. I am trying not think ahead
to the injections, the retrieval and the transfer, but rather taking one day at
a time. The next 5 weeks are going to be a lot of relaxing, resting,
yoga, meditation, eating healthy and generally just taking good care of
myself. (If you have any book suggestions for me to fill my time...I'd
love to hear them!) I know it is not going to be easy. I know the
hormones are going to be raging making me more of an emotional mess than usual.
I know my belly is going to be huge and sore. But I really want to
enjoy the process, stay positive and try not to complain.
Because in the end, I pray it will be all worth it when I am
holding my baby in my arms!
