Last week I was invited to attend the inaugural meeting of an infertility peer group. I live just outside a state capital and have been sorely disappointed for years that there was nothing of this sort in the community. A friend of mine (who recently had her baby through IVF) invited me to a group her chiropractor was starting. It was a lovely gathering of 5 women (plus the chiropractor) who were all on different paths and places in this journey. It was great just to talk and have feelings validated and feel open.
What I found unusual is that I am a highly emotional person. I cry at the drop of a hat. In fact, last week I had tears come to my eyes when I heard of some things going on with people around me. As I sat in this circle of women struggling with the ups and downs of infertility, I noticed that many of them got very emotional and cried. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. As I told my story, I was just matter of fact.
Sadly, I feel like this infertility journey has taken some of the emotion away from me. I feel hardened by it all. Like, what is the point of crying anymore? It's frustrating because sometimes I think I would feel much less stressed if I could just cry it out, scream and shout.
I've been on anti-depressants for many years now, but have never found one that makes me truly feel "normal". In the last 6 months I have started on Zoloft and have felt pretty good, but am now wondering if it has a role in taking my emotions away...
__________________
On another note, I am on cycle day 26. I'm a 27 - 30 day cycle girl mostly. I don't have any symptoms yet except EXTREMELY SORE BOOBS! Like I want to die when I touch them (okay that might be a bit dramatic). Usually my boobs start to get sore about 4-5 days before my period starts, but this month, they have been extremely sore since 6dpo. When I mentioned this to my acupuncturist on Thursday night, she also stated I have a "slippery pulse". Then she told me to not get my hopes up, but this might mean something. When I went to schedule another appointment she looked at me and said "let me know what you find out this week (whether I get my period or not) and then we will go forward from there. Then she crossed her fingers and gave me a huge smile. So, I am obsessively googling "slippery pulse" and compulsively checking everytime I wipe (sometimes wiping just to check -- sorry TMI).
I truly hate these last few days of the cycle. I've been down this road so many times before wondering and wishing I was pregnant only to be fooled again. If af is going to show up, I wish she would just do it so I could get start on the bcps for IVF.
The intensity of emotions linked to IF can be overwhelming at times, don't you find? It may be a natural mechanism of our emotional system to dampen them sometimes. Or maybe it is the zoloft. Who knows.
ReplyDeleteI was glad to read that you have found a support group. That can be really valuable.
Hoping that this slippery pulse is the harbinger of very, very good news.