Don't Ignore...How You Feel

I'm a little bit late with this post...last week was Infertility Awareness Week, but I was just off last week.  I can't really explain it other than I was tired, didn't feel like doing anything, and wasn't up to posting...

Last week I was invited to attend the inaugural meeting of an infertility peer group.  I live just outside a state capital and have been sorely disappointed for years that there was nothing of this sort in the community.  A friend of mine (who recently had her baby through IVF) invited me to a group her chiropractor was starting.  It was a lovely gathering of 5 women (plus the chiropractor) who were all on different paths and places in this journey.  It was great just to talk and have feelings validated and feel open.

What I found unusual is that I am a highly emotional person.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  In fact, last week I had tears come to my eyes when I heard of some things going on with people around me.  As I sat in this circle of women struggling with the ups and downs of infertility, I noticed that many of them got very emotional and cried.  I wanted to cry, but I didn't.  As I told my story, I was just matter of fact.

Sadly, I feel like this infertility journey has taken some of the emotion away from me.  I feel hardened by it all.  Like, what is the point of crying anymore?  It's frustrating because sometimes I think I would feel much less stressed if I could just cry it out, scream and shout.

I've been on anti-depressants for many years now, but have never found one that makes me truly feel "normal". In the last 6 months I have started on Zoloft and have felt pretty good, but am now wondering if it has a role in taking my emotions away...


On another note, I am on cycle day 26.  I'm a 27 - 30 day cycle girl mostly.  I don't have any symptoms yet except EXTREMELY SORE BOOBS!  Like I want to die when I touch them (okay that might be a bit dramatic).  Usually my boobs start to get sore about 4-5 days before my period starts, but this month, they have been extremely sore since 6dpo.  When I mentioned this to my acupuncturist on Thursday night, she also stated I have a "slippery pulse".  Then she told me to not get my hopes up, but this might mean something.  When I went to schedule another appointment she looked at me and said "let me know what you find out this week (whether I get my period or not) and then we will go forward from there.  Then she crossed her fingers and gave me a huge smile.  So, I am obsessively googling "slippery pulse" and compulsively checking everytime I wipe (sometimes wiping just to check -- sorry TMI).

I truly hate these last few days of the cycle.  I've been down this road so many times before wondering and wishing I was pregnant only to be fooled again.  If af is going to show up, I wish she would just do it so I could get start on the bcps for IVF.

1 comment:

  1. The intensity of emotions linked to IF can be overwhelming at times, don't you find? It may be a natural mechanism of our emotional system to dampen them sometimes. Or maybe it is the zoloft. Who knows.
    I was glad to read that you have found a support group. That can be really valuable.
    Hoping that this slippery pulse is the harbinger of very, very good news.


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