Perfect Moment Monday -- Fur Baby Edition

My blogging and Twitter friend Suzy has had a feature on her blog for a few months now called "Perfect Moment Monday". Lori (who created Perfect Moment Monday) says "Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between."

Today I had one of those "perfect moments." I know many of us have our fur babies, and in many cases, our fur babies replace the babies we can't have due to infertility. We have a big ole Garfield cat. He looks like Garfield and often acts like him too. He has attitude and I swear he knows more than he lets onto. He's strangely human. He was my husband's cat before I came into the picture, but now he's my big fur baby too. He is aging and it makes me sad to think of the day he will no longer be with us. I had my first major pregnancy meltdown a couple of weeks ago when we left on vacation and I was saying goodbye to him for the week. I knew he would be spoiled by our neighbors, but the tears started anyway as I held him and he looked at me with his big eyes. I'm happy to say we both survived the week away.

We have a tradition, especially in the winter time, that I will lay on the couch and he will pop up and lay and purr on my stomach while I pet him. From the time of my embryo transfer up until about 20 weeks, I did not let him lay on my stomach. He was none to pleased when I made it clear he did not have that option anymore and he would sulk and go lay at my feet (which broke my heart). At my 20 week appointment awhile back, I asked my OB if it was okay to allow him to lay on my belly and she gave the okay to do so. It took him awhile to warm back up to doing so.

Today was a long day at work. I got home and the cat immediately let me know he wanted to cuddle (he likes to herd us). So I changed my clothes, laid on the couch with his favorite blanket on top of me and he popped up to join me. He maneuvered my ever expanding belly to find a comfortable place and we settled in -- me rubbing his cheek and he purring away. As soon as he started purring, baby started kicking away. After about a half hour (in which time we both fell asleep), he got down and then came back up about 5 minutes later and settled into a new location on my belly until hubby got home about 30 minutes later. The amazing thing to me was during those 5 minutes he was off my belly, baby stopped moving. As soon as he laid back down and started purring again, baby started moving again.

I love this connection between my baby and my fur baby. It makes me smile. It makes my heart happy. And it makes for a perfect moment Monday.

March ICLW

If you are visiting from ICLW -- welcome! It's been awhile since I've participated and since I've updated my blog (more on that in a bit).

Here's the backstory;
We started trying to conceive in November 2006 when I was 31.  I had been on bcps for 16 years to control heavy, unpredictable cycles.  I was happy to find that my cycles came back fairly regularly, but still very heavy (27 - 35 day cycles in general).  I always had a feeling that conceiving would be difficult for me (no particular reason to think this -- just intuition I guess).  

After about 15 months of trying on our own, we went to see my OB/GYN who put me on Clomid and hubby got to give a sperm sample.  The sperm sample came back as on the lower end of things, but not end of the world.  We were referred to our local RE and did about 3 cycles of Clomid (evil evil drug!).  The RE switched us to Femara and we did both timed cyles with this, as well as 3 IUIs.  Overall, we were very conservative with our treatment, starting and stopping treatment throughout.  Along the way, we determined neither of us wanted to do IVF.  We even started the home study process for adoption, but sadly determined that wasn't the process we wanted to continue.  

In September 2010 we found out we were pregnant on a natural/unmedicated cycle that we weren't even trying on.  While betas rose, I continually spotted and started bleeding before the first ultrasound which showed a blighted ovum at 7 weeks.  

I tried a lot of natural/alternative treatments over the years -- seeing a naturopath, taking vitamin supplements, going to a chiropractor and acupuncturist and making diet changes.  I lost about 25 pounds and got rid of all dairy and most carbs.  

In January 2012 I went back to see the RE because my periods had become even longer than normal and "wonky".  Following bloodwork, I was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve, even though the previous years my FSH and AMH had been completely normal.  So after much discussion and soul searching, we decided we would try just 1 round of IVF as we now had insurance coverage for it.  We scheduled it for our May cycle and I continued with the alternative treatments to get as healthy as possible.  

Long story short, my husband backed out 2 days before I was supposed to start the birth control pill for our IVF cycle.  This was a dark time for me and we entered couple's therapy and I tried to become comfortable with never being a parent.  

One day after my 37th birthday my husband told me he thought we should give it a shot and we proceeded with starting the IVF process in September.  I had 9 eggs retrieved and 3 of them fertilized.  My clinic only does 5 day transfers and we had one embie make it to that stage.  Based on my age, our fert results and age, we were given a 15% chance of it working.  

At 17 days post ovulation (dpo) I had my first beta and it was 1200+, and the second two days later was 2300+ -- we were pregnant with our miracle baby!  

Today I am 27 weeks pregnant and thrilled to be having this experience. 

However, I'm not going to lie.  There have been many struggles that go along with this pregnancy due to our infertility history.  Most days I'm still not confident that I will be taking home a baby, even though I know our chances go up everday.  I'm scared to register and schedule baby showers.  I don't want to sign up for birthing classes because those types of group experiences (with fertiles) make me incredibly nervous and anxious.  Each day is challenging.  

I have lots of things/feelings to write about, but have struggled with putting them into written words.  I am really going to spend this ICLW period trying to get some of it out.  

In the meantime, I look forward to reading all of your stories as well!  

If you have any interest, I started a second blog to document my pregnancy, which I plan to turn into a digital scrapbook for baby.  If you would like to check it out (I completely understand if you don't) you can at http://twinklelittlestar2013.blogspot.com.    

The Two Week Wait

Last weekend I finished up a book called "The Two Week Wait" by Sarah Rayner.  It's a book I randomly picked up a few weeks ago while shopping at Target.    Like I'm sure many of you, I've read multiple non-fiction infertility/boost your fertility/become one with your fertility books, but never a novel about it.

It's a story of two couples who are in different stages of their journey to have a child...one due to infertility and the other due to being in a same-sex relationship.  I'll be honest, it was a bit of an impulse purchase, as I was just certain it wouldn't be very realistic and probably end up just ticking me off as a happily-ever-after, everyone gets pregnant on their first try, sort of book.  

It started off slowly, and I was struggling to pick it up.  Then last Sunday night I couldn't sleep, so I decided to pick it up...and didn't stop reading until 3 hours later (1 a.m.) when I could finally put it down because I finished it.  

I won't give away the plot line, but it took me back to the processes and emotions of doing IVF and going through infertility treatments. It was pretty darn realistic!    I can honestly say I laughed and I cried, while cheering these two couples on through their journey.  At times it was tough to read because of my own emotions and memories it brought up.  But I'm really glad I persevered to the end.  
__________
Thanks for all of your comments on my last post and the strange comments that had been made to me recently.  I know that neither of them meant to be hurtful or uncomfortable.  The woman I work with is really just socially challenged, so often says really awkward things.  I'm not sure what the motive was behind the comment from my friend who told me that as soon as another friend of hers announced her pregnancy, she miscarried.  My friend has 2 grown children of her own, so not sure what was going on there.  Probably just didn't think about it before she said it.  
___________
New blog post at my pregnancy blog:  http://twinklelittlestar2013.blogspot.com/

Have a great week everyone!

Did They Really Say That?

We've all had those moments -- the ones where you want to look at someone and say "really, did you just say that?"  You know, the insensitive comments about just relaxing, just adopting, just, just, just.  I sort of wish I had kept a journal of all of the comments I've heard over the last 6 years of this journey.  

As we've been sharing the news of our pregnancy over the last few weeks, 99% of the comments have been wonderful, with people saying how they prayed for this for us, tears, screeches, and so on.  It's truly been amazing.  But there have also been some comments that have really just made me go...."hmmmmmmm"

I recently had lunch with a friend I met through volunteer activities.  After I told her my news, she said "the last person I know who announced their pregnancy had a miscarriage soon after."  Um, okay, is that supposed to make me scared shitless?  I was hoping for a bit more...um...excitement or positivity.  Thanks...now I'm not so hungry anymore.  

At work we have a morning meeting 4 days a week, so I made my announcement there.  Someone who wasn't in the meeting came to my office later to congratulate me.  (A little background -- this woman and I are NOT close and I limit my interactions with her because she will talk forever.  I have also been very quiet about our journey at work).  The first question out of her mouth was -- "was this planned or a surprise?"  I became speechless over that question because I didn't expect it.  I simply replied "planned, definitely planned."  though I wanted to say "none of your dang business!"

She goes on to tell me about her niece, who planned her wedding around when she would ovulate (really -- people do that?), but did not factor into the mix that the stress of planning the wedding, might throw off her cycle a tad.  So her niece was disappointed when she didn't come back from her perfectly timed honeymoon pregnant, and went to the doctor and cried about it.  The next month she became pregnant.  I replied "wow -- that's really great for her."  but what I was thinking was "I bet she's really glad you are talking about her reproductive life with a stranger, and seriously -- she went and cried to her doctor after a month of not becoming pregnant???"  

This same employee told me in the break room this week that people in the office were going to watch me just like the media was watching Princess Kate and her pregnancy fashions.  Ummmm....gee thanks...that's a bit creepy....but thanks.  I know she meant no harm by it, but still a bit creepy.  

My final favorite question has come up a lot, and I just find it strange.  When I share the news, a lot of people's first reaction is "is _________ (my hubby) excited?"   

So, what's the funniest, stupidest, most insensitive thing someone has said to you during your IF/pregnancy journey?  

The Difference of a Year

Happy 2013 everyone!  As I reflect on 2012, I am so thankful that I have joined the blogging community and have found this incredible network of women who are such a great support on the IF journey.  I know the holidays can be extremely tough during this time of year when dealing with IF, and there seems to be a lot of heartbreak going on right now with impending or recent miscarriages and failed cycles. There's also excitement around pending adoptions, new pregnancies and more.   Sending love to all of you!  

Hubby and I started trying to conceive in November 2006.  That's 6 new year celebrations hoping and praying for "this to be OUR year."  I remember last year being so bitter and angry on New Years Eve.  We always get together with a group of friends for dinner and then drinks and dessert to ring in the new year.  We had a couple of our friends staying at our house, and I remember the wife telling me early in the day how depressed she was because they had been trying to conceive for 5 months and they hadn't been able to.  Five. Whole. Months!  (By the way, they conceived the following cycle, and with their first child conceived on the first cycle)  She knew the journeys we had been through, yet still said this to me.   I honestly was breathing fire all day long.  I was pissy to my husband because he was drinking up a storm and having a good ole time, while I sipped on a drink and then moved to pop and water because "who knows -- this might be our month".  I was bitter that we were the only couple at our party who didn't have kids.  It was not a good scene and I was not a fun person to be around.  

This year we got to celebrate the new year by telling our friends we are pregnant.  We kept the announcement low key as we know how much it hurts to hear this news for some.  In fact  one of the couples at our party we don't see very often, and their reaction made me think of how I've reacted to pregnancy announcements over the years.  I now wonder if they are on this journey too.  

I'm hopeful and excited for 2013.  I believe this is the year we WILL become parents!  I'm overwhelmed at the thought of beginning to look for furniture, and moving everything out of our guest room and touring day care options.  I'm amazed at watching my belly expand and moving on to a new wardrobe.  I'm thrilled to not have to hide our news anymore and to have it out in the open and be able to talk about it.  I absolutely love being pregnant!  

However, I'm also scared.  I'm scared that something bad is going to happen.  I'm scared that   at my doctor's appointment this week, there won't be a heartbeat. I'm scared that my moods are going to cause friction in close relationships.   I just want to wrap my belly in bubble wrap for the next 6 months so no harm can be done.   A big piece of me will always be tied to this journey -- our infertility journey, and being pregnant does not take away that journey.  

I wish for all of you a year of dreams come true, successful cycles, take-home babies, matches for adoptions and most of all, happiness and peace.  Happy 2013.  

PS -- New blog post and pictures on my pregnancy blog.  I hope you will consider joining me there.   http://twinklelittlestar2013.blogspot.com/

Second Blog -- Please Join Me!

I've decided to start a second blog to focus on our pregnancy journey.  This new blog is the one I will be sharing with family and IRL friends.  I hope you will join me there, but completely understand if you don't.  The address is:  http://twinklelittlestar2013.blogspot.com/  Thanks to awesome Suzy for designing the blog for me! 

I will still be blogging on this blog too -- as the infertility journey does not end with that second line. (every time I feel cocky and think it does, I get slapped in the face shortly there after).  I'm learning this more and more everyday.  I will also be following all of you still from this site, as JJ.  

I hope everyone has an amazing and relaxing holiday with family and friends!  
JJ

Anyone Else? Updated

Sorry for this TMI...but has anyone else out there had a yeast infection during earlier pregnancy?  I was on an antibiotic last week for a cold, and so I'm pretty confident that is what this is.  I generally don't like the thought of taking meds, and especially am not a big fan during pregnancy (it took a week of being miserable, getting better and then worse, and my husband's urging to finally go on antibiotics).

I'm looking for some natural relief or things that have worked for others, but are safe during pregnancy.  So far I have done the apple cider vinegar bath thing (and even drank some diluted in water) and have gotten some relief (probably need to do for a few more days).  But I am open to other suggestions.

Thanks!

I gave in and called my doctor's office this morning and they suggested I use Monistat, which I will do, but I am also going to continue to do the apple cider vinegar baths and probiotics and hope that I don't have to do a full 7 days of the Monistat.  She assured me that there is no potential harm to the baby, so that makes me feel better.  I still hate the thought of taking the meds, but am pretty miserable with itching, so will give it a whirl.  I did ask about bacterial vaginosis, as I've had that within the last year, but she said my symptoms really sound yeast related.  I would have liked to go in for a test just to make sure, but at the same time, don't want to go in if not necessary.  I feel like I am the hypochondriac patient.  At least I have my screening ultrasound on Thursday, so if things aren't better by then, I can get it checked out in person.  

Advanced Maternal Age...and Other Random Thoughts

I had my first OB appointment today, and I was officially told I was of "advanced maternal age".  I knew it was coming, of course, being 37 and all, but it still stung a little.  Because of my "advanced maternal age" they had to offer me an amniocentesis or CVS (I think), which I politely declined.  There were several times I also heard "since you are over 35"...

The appointment went really well overall. I got to pee in a cup, have my breasts checked, have a pelvic exam and screening for a couple of STDs, answer a bazillion questions and heard what my schedule of appointments will be like for the next 6 months.  Oh, and I got to meet with one of their financial people to talk about costs and payments.  I was also presented with a reusable bag (seriously nice -- with a zipper) full of info from the two major hospitals in town (though they took the info on one of them out -- since I work at one of the hospitals, I will be delivering there), a BabiesRUs catalog, a list of OTC drugs I can take and much more.  To say the appointment was overwhelming would be an understatement.

I've lost 3 pounds since I was there a couple of weeks ago (I was afraid I had a yeast infection -- I didn't), even though I feel like I eat ALL.THE.TIME!  Best part -- the Doppler and hearing baby's heart beating at a lovely 166 bpm.  Next week we have our first trimester screening ultrasound and bloodwork and then won't have another ultrasound for about 8 weeks.  I've really gotten spoiled with the multiple ultrasounds from the REs office.

Other random things going on:

• I have a lovely cold/cough thing going on.  I finally gave in and went to the walk-in clinic yesterday when I could barely get out of bed and was coughing so hard I was gagging.  I'm on antibiotics and the mend now. I'm not good at being sick.  I'm not good at being patient.  It's been a long week (just ask my husband)
• Despite said cold, my smell sensor is working overtime.  I'm afraid of what it will be like when I can breathe again.  Tonight my husband made himself something for dinner and I seriously considered leaving the room.  I thought I was getting over the nausea thing, but tonight it came back with a vengeance.  I actually told my husband I wanted to puke just to feel better. 
• We joke that we haven't told our cat yet that he is going to be a "big brother".  This weekend we had friends over and I was cuddled up on the couch with their 5 week old son on my chest/tummy.  The cat sat on the coffee table and GLARED at me, and then climbed on the back of the couch -- something he doesn't normally do -- and laid there glaring at me.  This could be interesting.  
• This past week marked the 6 year mark of when I took my last birth control pill.  Six years on this journey has changed who I am today.  Infertility will ALWAYS be a part of me in both good and bad ways.  I think what I miss the most is my innocence with this pregnancy.  I worry about every little thing, and rejoice in every milestone passed (I actually wondered this past week -- and yes, I googled it -- if I could kill my baby by coughing so much).  Seriously -- some days I think I should be put in a padded room.  

On that note, I'm calling it a night.  

11 weeks

How far along?: 11 weeks

Size of Baby: 1/2 inches long -- about the size of a fig.

Baby Development: Your baby is now almost fully formed. Her hands will soon open and close into fists, tiny tooth buds are beginning to appear under her gums, and some of her bones are beginning to harden.

She's already busy kicking and stretching, and her tiny movements are so effortless they look like water ballet. These movements will become more frequent as her body grows and becomes more developed and functional. You won't feel your baby's acrobatics for another month or two — nor will you notice the hiccupping that may be happening now that her diaphragm is forming.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: My starting weight was between 130 and 135 fully clothed.  I haven't stepped on a scale this week, but my pants are getting tighter and tighter earlier in the day.  (belly bump pictures to start next week)

Gender: ??? 

Movement: Not for awhile

Stretchmarks: Not for awhile

Maternity Clothes: Not yet, but probably close.

Sleep:  Inconsistent.  Still going to bed early and waking up early.

What I miss:  Nothing so far

Cravings: Lots of really healthy things like fruity candy (Twizzlers, Skittles, gummy bears, Starbursts), chips and dip & fried things.  In addition, this week I've been craving burgers from Culvers and suddenly orange juice.  Still craving V8 and cottage cheese.
 

Aversions: Eggs, chicken, apples make me sick (but applesauce is fine).

Symptoms:  Hungry all the time, not sure who my chest belongs to, exhausted, smells are making me sick, and the nausea is less all the time and just comes in spurts now.  

Best Moment this Week: one more week in the books, feeling my pants get tighter, and coming to a serious realization that there is a baby actually growing inside of me (how cool is that?) 

Looking forward to: First OB appointment and telling more people our good news.  Saying goodbye to this cold.

Random Updates: I've had a crummy cold this week -- lots of coughing and sniffling, along with nearly losing my voice.  That's not been so much fun and has added to my exhaustion.  Strangely enough, my sense of smell has been stronger than ever, which frightens me with what it will be like once I can actually breathe.

10 weeks!

How far along?: 10 weeks 2 days

Size of Baby: a peanut or small strawberry (a little over an inch long and less than 1/4 of an ounce)

Baby Development: your baby has now completed the most critical portion of his development. This is the beginning of the so-called fetal period, a time when the tissues and organs in his body rapidly grow and mature.

He's swallowing fluid and kicking up a storm. Vital organs — including his kidneys, intestines, brain, and liver (now making red blood cells in place of the disappearing yolk sac) — are in place and starting to function, though they'll continue to develop throughout your pregnancy.

Your baby's limbs can bend now. His hands are flexed at the wrist and meet over his heart, and his feet may be long enough to meet in front of his body. The outline of his spine is clearly visible through translucent skin, and spinal nerves are beginning to stretch out from his spinal cord. Your baby's forehead temporarily bulges with his developing brain and sits very high on his head, which measures half the length of his body.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: My starting weight was between 130 and 135 fully clothed.  I am staying within that range, though the pants get much tighter by the end of the day.

Gender: ??? (and we aren't finding out)

Movement: Not for awhile

Stretchmarks: Not for awhile

Maternity Clothes: Not yet, though I just did some consignment shopping and online shopping.  Guessing maternity pants are in my future in the next couple of weeks. I've worn a few shirts/sweaters this week that I determined I shouldn't wear again until after the info is public.

Sleep:  Inconsistent.  Go to bed early and generally wake up in the middle of the night for an hour or two before going back to sleep.  Slept 11 hours on Thanksgiving night at my in-laws -- it was amazing!  Naps are pretty amazing too.

What I miss:  Nothing so far

Cravings: Lots of really healthy things like fruity candy (Twizzlers, Skittles, gummy bears, Starbursts), chips and dip, Kraft mac and cheese & fried things.  But also V8, milk, cottage cheese and carrots.  I feel like I have a traveling vending machine hidden in my purse for my constant hunger.
 

Aversions: Eggs (hard boiled are okay but otherwise no thank you), chicken is hit or miss, peanut butter and I have a love/hate relationship, apples make me sick.

Symptoms:  Hungry and nauseous all the time (though nausea is getting better), not sure who my chest belongs to, exhausted and my emotions have come out to play finally.

Best Moment this Week: Making it to double digits week-wise.  Telling my mother- and father-in-law about the pregnancy.  

Looking forward to: First OB appointment and telling more people our good news.  Transitioning to a new (ish) wardrobe.

Random Updates: I'm so thankful to have not thrown up yet (knock on wood), but will gladly take any symptom that comes my way as it means things are progressing.  The last 2 days I have had a sensation of lots of stretching in my abdomen.  I love it!