Out of Town

Out of town for a long weekend...back soon with more of Em's photo challenge.  Hope you are all well!

Photo Challenge Day 4

My heart is breaking tonight for Steph, who at her 9 week graduation ultrasound after her FET, found out there was no heartbeat.  Please say an extra prayer for her and her husband tonight!

Day Four:  School

I would be a full-time student if I could afford it.  Multiple times I have strongly considered going back to get my PhD, but the dissertation scares the living crap out of me.  Luckily, my employer offers tuition reimbursement, so last fall I was able to take a graduate class in Compensation & Benefits (the really big book in the picture).

I've also taught at local colleges as a part-time job since getting my Master's Degree 10 years ago.  This spring I decided to take a break from it and focus more time on other things (like becoming a mom).  I feel good about this decision, though I know I will miss it.

Photo Challenge Day Three: White

For some reason when it came to the prompt white, my mind kept coming back to snow.  Weird since it is 80 some degrees today...and I'm okay if the snow stays away for a long long time.

Day Three:  White

This is one of my most valued possessions.  This was my mom's piano.  When I was little she taught piano lessons to all of the neighborhood kids, and she played the piano and organ in church.  I never got to take lessons from her, but did for awhile in elementary school.  Unfortunately I gave up the lessons after about 6th grade when it wasn't cool anymore to play the piano.  After my mom died, my dad kept the piano for me, and it moved from house to house with him.  When I was in college and early adulthood, my dad lent the piano out to a family that had 5 boys, so they could learn to play. This is also the reason for the green marks on the keys.  I've never figured out what the green stuff is, but it won't come off.  When I moved into my first house at the age of 27, I finally got the piano.  Someday I think I will take some lessons as a way to honor my mom.  I love the thought of my child(ren) also learning to play.

Two Photos, My New Best Friend, and Recipes Needed

Happy 3 day weekend everyone!  I mentioned in my last post that I am doing Em's September photo-a-day challenge, so here are days 1 & 2.

Day One:  The Beginning

E is the first letter of my middle name.  (No, it's not J, as in JJ. That's just a nickname I had in high school) My middle name is my Grandma's first name.  My grandma is so important to me -- she is my only living grandparent, and is the one who took care of me and my siblings after my mom died (while my dad was at work).  She recently turned 94 and I hope she is still around in time to see our first child, and her 14th grandchild.  If we get pregnant through IVF, or any other way, and if the baby is a girl, she will be named after my grandma.

Day Two:  Fire

A few weeks ago I was part of an emergency drill in our community.  The drill was an airplane explosion and this is the plane fire simulator.  I have to admit, it was pretty cool.  All of the "victims" were on another part of the runway channeling our inner acting skills to play out our injuries.

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On Friday morning I went to my chiropractor, as I do every week or two.  While there, she asked where we were on things.  I told her we were getting ready to do IVF and she told me about a recent study she had read that showed that women who eat an avocado a day (or 4-5 avocados a week)  tripled their success rate of IVF.  Let me say that again.... TRIPLED their success rate of IVF.  So, I went and bought me some avocados before work.

Problem is, I don't like avocados.  Tonight I had some guacamole. My husband loves it, so I make it 1-2 times a week, but I usually don't eat any.  Well tonight I made it with two avocados, and split it with him, and I choked it down.

Tomorrow I am going to make some black bean, corn & avocado salad to take over to a barbecue.  After that, I've used up all of my tricks.  So I need recipes and ideas if I am going to eat 4-5 avocados a week (my new best friend)  for the next 4 - 5 weeks.  Please please please send me your ideas, recipes and favorite ways of eating avocados!  Thank you in advance!

"There's Powder on your Chest" and September Photo Challenge

First of all, I am going to join Em from Follow Every Rainbow in her September photo challenge -- I'm hoping it will help me pass the time as we get this IVF show on the road.  Visit her site and join us!

Today I showed up at work and someone stopped by my office to say good morning.  The next thing I know she says "you have some powder on your chest from when you put your make-up on."  As I looked down at my chest and rubbed gently, I wanted to say "Nope, not make-up powder, but leftover residue from the testosterone gel I had to rub into my chest/upper shoulder area this morning...duh!"

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Program...

Note:  I wrote this post on Friday, but Blogger wouldn't let me post it...grrrrrr...
_________________

Welcome ICLW friends!  Here's a brief synopsis of our journey.  Been trying to conceive for almost 6 years, taking a very conservative path.  Slightly low sperm numbers, but didn't find anything else was wrong.  Did 3 IUIs -- all BFNs.  Did several months of Femara. On a natural cycle in 2010 we got pregnant and at 7 weeks miscarried.  Tried (and continue to use) lots of alternative/natural treatments including chiropractic, acupuncture, supplements and diet changes for me.  I lost some weight.  Still nothing.  This winter we received news that my numbers had changed for the worse and it looked like my egg reserve might be getting low (I don't put a lot of faith in numbers so have a hard time believing this).  Even though it was against everything we had ever said we would/wouldn't do, we decided to proceed with IVF.  Two days before the cycle was supposed to start my husband backed out.  I was heartbroken and we started couples counseling.  That was 3 months ago.  Fast forward to today...

I have some new friends awaiting me in my bathroom each morning when I wake up.

Today is cycle day 2 of our first, and most likely only IVF cycle.  The first three weeks are filled with birth control pills and testosterone gel -- 1/3 of one of these packets, which pretty much covers my upper arm and leaves a lovely white residue behind.  (I still find it ironic that after all these years of trying to get pregnant, I now have to take birth control pills).  It's been a whirlwind couple of weeks and my emotions are in high high high gear!  I'm excited, I'm scared shitless, I'm full of worry, and on and on and on.  

Hubby actually suggested it about 10 days ago. I was having one of my meltdowns where "everything" was going badly in life, and I had been around one too many pregnant women that day.   He's not thrilled about doing it (at all), but knows how important it is to me that we give it a try, and I am so full of love for him for that.  Earlier this week we met with our counselor, finalized moving forward, talked with the clinic and started with this cycle.  I think it's good it happened quickly and I didn't have too much time to think about it!  And we've been talking recently about the fact that a baby could really come out of this and hubby gets all cute and excited -- he's been bringing up names, the fact he is against co-sleeping, and those sorts of things. (so while he says he is against IVF, I think deep down he is excited about the possibilities, but trying to stay level headed for me) 

Best case scenario:  The cycle goes smoothly and we get a take home baby (come June 2013) plus a frosty or two for good measure.  

Worst case scenarios:  The cycle gets cancelled, no embryos make it to transfer, or we get a BFN.  Because I am scared of the long-term effects of the medications on my body, I  feel strongly that this is our one and only chance at this.  If it doesn't work, we will need to find peace in being childless, or begin the adoption process.

I'm choosing to look at the best case scenarios and spend my time dreaming about that.  I just took a coaching class this week and one of the key components is staying in the present.  I am trying not think ahead to the injections, the retrieval and the transfer, but rather taking one day at a time.  The next 5 weeks are going to be a lot of relaxing, resting, yoga, meditation, eating healthy and generally just taking good care of myself. (If you have any book suggestions for me to fill my time...I'd love to hear them!) I know it is not going to be easy.  I know the hormones are going to be raging making me more of an emotional mess than usual.  I know my belly is going to be huge and sore.  But I really want to enjoy the process, stay positive and try not to complain.  

Because in the end, I pray it will be all worth it when I am holding my baby in my arms!  

Back Soon...

It's been a long time since I last posted.  I have a lot to say and yet, don't know how to say it all.  Still reading and following all of you.  I'll be back soon!

Currently

I'm titling this week "JJ and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mood".  It's bad, truly.  I'm weepy, angry, grumpy, irritable, and so on.  


Because of this, I have borrowed the inspiration for this post from Loribeth at The Road Less Travelled.
Current Book(s) -- I have to do a presentation on Sunday for a group I volunteer with, so I am currently brushing up on "Strengths Based Leadership".  Otherwise, I just finished "My Name is Mary Sutter" for my book club at work.  I generally don't get into historical fiction, but this one was really good. 

Current Playlist -- I listen a lot to just the radio in the car.  Right now I really like "Somebody that I Used to Know".  I know it's a pretty negative/depressing song, but I find it really catchy.  I especially like this version.  Another song I've loved for a long time is "Blessings".  

Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure -- Trashy magazines.  I bought several about the Katie/Tom fiasco.  (I can't believe I just admitted that!)  

Current Color -- For house stuff I'm really liking the yellow and gray combo.  Otherwise, purple is my general standby for everything else. 

Current Drink -- Huberts Mango Lemonade.  Trying to give up soda (again), and trying to push more water.  Wish me luck.  

Current Food -- Trader Joe's Caribbean Flo Joes (popsicles).  Lots of real fruit chunks in a yummy popsicle.  I seriously buy 4 or 5 boxes every time I go to TJs.

Current Favorite Show -- What Not to Wear

Current Wishlist -- Pregnancy with a take home baby 

Current Needs -- to spend time with my brother (he lives many states away and it has now been two years since I have seen him). Unfortunately plane tickets are running around $700.

Current Triumphs -- Last week I got to catch up with 4 friends I hadn't seen in over a year (not all together).  Sadly, just getting out of bed this week seems to be a pretty big triumph.   

Current Bane of my Existence -- Current bad/negative mood -- much of this comes from my upcoming birthday, which means another year is passing without a pregnancy or baby.  Also the frustration of not knowing what our next steps are/aren't.

Current Celebrity Crush -- Seriously can't think of one.

Current Indulgence -- Way too much time on Pinterest!

Current #1 Blessing -- Amazing family.  Having a 2 year-old goddaughter who asks for me everyday.   

Current Slang or Saying --  "What do you do?" (not as in what do you do for a career, but as in, in this situation, what else is there to do?"

Current Outfit -- Rocking the business casual at work, and shorts and tees at home.  It's just too darn hot to try to be too cute.  

Current Excitement -- My niece is home from overseas where she is a teacher.   

Current Mood -- See above. 

July ICWL...Welcome!

Welcome to those visiting from ICWL for July.  I look forward to checking out your blogs and getting to know you better!

Hubby and I have been married for 7 years and trying to conceive for 5+ of that.  We have not been very aggressive with our treatments, and are *hoping* for that miracle.  We have lower than normal, but not horrible counts for him, and not so impressive AMH and FSH for me.  We have done 3 unsuccessful IUIs and multiple months of Clomid and Femara.  In September 2010 we were surprised to find out I was pregnant after my period started and them promptly stopped.  This was during a month of no treatments.  Unfortunately, it was short lived, and at 7 months I miscarried naturally the day of our first ultrasound.  

In January of this year, after much thought and deliberation, we decided to move forward with one round of IVF starting in May, however, two nights before I was to start the birth control pills, my husband decided he was no longer interested in proceeding with IVF.

We are now in couples therapy (and I continue individual therapy) and are making slow, but steady progress.  We have found a wonderful therapist (we had tried therapy a couple of years ago, but found a really great guy who promptly told us about how he and his wife got pregnant 2 months after they got married, even though they were older at the time).    I am hopeful we may look at IVF again, or move towards adoption.

Most of the time I wonder if we would be one of those couples who gets pregnant after we stop trying (since we've been pregnant before which we were told would never happen naturally).  Unfortunately, I don't know how to *stop* trying.  I don't know how to shut off all of the thoughts and feelings going through my head.

I am over 35 and believe strongly in alternative medications and treatment such as vitamins, chiropractic care, acupuncture, and just simple clean living.  I do not believe that numbers are destiny, and that they can in fact be changed for the positive.  I will not let numbers rule my life and I hate it when doctors treat them like they are a death sentence (i.e. just because my AMH was low and my FSH was slightly high ONCE, then there is no chance of us conceiving -- whatever!)

I don't know where this journey is leading us, but thanks for joining us!

Apparently I'm Not Hiding It So Well

I spent today volunteering for an organization that I am on the board of directors for and have been involved with for 15+ years.  This is a one time a year event, and there are several people I see only this one day each year.  This afternoon I was talking to one of the other volunteers, Doug, who I've known for more than 10 years (but only see once a year) and as we were wrapping up our conversation, he said, "You look and seem sad or depressed, are you sure everything is okay?"  I smiled and said "yes, everything is fine" because that's what I do in these situations.

But on the inside, I was saying "holy crap, I look sad and depressed???"

You see, I pride myself on being able to appear that I have it all together -- that everything is going my way, even when it is not.  I've done this for years and years.  I was a theatre minor in college for goodness sake...this is what I do...I'm a master of this. There have been many days I haven't felt like getting out of bed, but I always force myself to do so, and to put on a happy face to say "everything is a-okay."

But the truth is, everything isn't fine.  I'm sad.  I'm depressed.  I hurt.  I want to sleep ALL of the time.  I don't want to be social.  I'm not in a good place.  I want a baby.  I want to be pregnant.  I want to be done with infertility.  I want to have a good relationship with my husband again.

My psychiatric nurse practitioner has me trying a new anti-depressant -- Effexor.  So I'm currently weening myself off of Zoloft and starting the Effexor.  I don't think it is going well.  She didn't think the Zoloft was doing enough for my irritability.  I guess we will see.

A month or so ago I would have said I was anxious, not depressed.  In fact I was having panic attacks on a regular basis.  Now, I just feel sad, depressed, lonely.  In a funk.

I know I will be okay eventually. That this feeling will pass.  But for right now it sucks.

On a totally unrelated note, blogger won't let me comment on anyone's posts.  Annoying.