Sometimes I Wonder Why I Even Log Into Facebook

Everytime I read something that makes me upset on Facebook, I swear I am not going back for a long time, which lasts a few days at the most. Probably the one thing that bugs me the most is when parents complain about their kids.   

Yesterday, as we were driving from one family event to another, I was just reading all of the nice Merry Christmas postings on Facebook when I was blindsided by this one: 

"_________'s  present to us was to wake up at 4am and then be a

righteous lil' butthole for the rest of the morning. Merry Christmas y'all!"

This was from my cousin, who's son just turned 3 and is apparently a righteous lil' butthole.  This would be my cousin who got his girlfriend pregnant but doesn't want to marry her because he doesn't believe in marriage. 

Let's just say hubby had to talk me down from the ledge on this one.  I will see said cousin tonight at a family gathering and it may take all I have to not say something to him.  I really wanted to comment and say "you should really be thankful for what you have".(and maybe I still will)  I get it. I do.  Kids can be pains sometimes.  But really, it's Christmas morning and he was probably just excited about the build-up of Santa coming to visit. Honestly, it's probably the first year he really "gets" the whole Santa thing.   I've read lots of posts where kids got their parents up way before daylight because Santa had visited their house.  But calling your kid a righteous lil' butthole is just not appropriate at any time or place, and especially on a public forum like Facebook. 

While I would like to say that when I do get pregnant and when I do have a child, I won't complain about anything, because those complaints hit me so deep to the core right now, but I know that is not realistic.  The truth is I will complain and moan sometimes, but I know that I will find much more joy in pregnancy and parenthood than frustration and pain. 

I hope you had a wonderful holiday.  We did.  I had a meltdown in the car on the way to the in-laws on Thursday night, and really thought I might spend the weekend curled up in our hotel room (where all of our extended family was gathering) throwing a little pity party for myself, but having our two nieces and lots of other family around was really good for me.  And I may have drank a little (or a lot) which helped mask the pain a bit.  Last night as we were leaving some family, I gave a hug to my grandmother-in-law and she leaned into me and said "do you have any news to share with me?"  Yep, pretty much ripped my heart open again.  I replied with "no, wish I did, but I don't" to which my mother-in-law gave me the saddest look I think I have ever seen. 

I'm looking forward to another day off of work today.  The weekend has gone by way too fast.  I'm certainly not ready to return to work on Tuesday.  We have some friends coming at the end of the week to celebrate new years with us and I am anticipating a pregnancy announcement (2nd child).  I may need a lot more alcohol...

Sometimes I'm a Little Slow...

...and then I get hit in the face.  Like tonight.  As you know I've been in a crap-tacular mood recently.  As I was having a meltdown tonight (after opening one too many Christmas cards with adorable children pictures and stories in them -- I'm sorry, but I really don't care that your son's favorite letter right now is N) it dawned on me...we should be celebrating baby's first Christmas and sending out Christmas cards with a happy family of 3 photo attached.  Should be...but not. 

I'm taking a little blogging break for the holidays.  We'll be on the road, but I will be reading your blogs when I can, though may not comment much.  Lots of holiday BFPs out there in blog land.  I'm very happy for each and every one of you who are celebrating one of these (and am thinking of those of you who aren't). 

I'll pick back up on the blogging challenge after the holidays too...I guess it will be the 30 day blog challenge that took 60 days to complete.  

Merry Christmas to each of you and your families!
JJ

Should be a Happy Time of Year, But Just Not Feeling It

I'm struggling these days and I feel really guilty about it.  This is supposed to be a happy time of year.  In fact, I just read a comment on someone else's blog (from another blogger) that says something along the lines that the happiness of the holidays should pull her through this difficult time. 
I'm not so sure I agree.  Frankly, I'm a basket case these days.  Up one moment, down the next, laughing the next and crying the next.  And I'm not even on a medicated cycle (maybe that's the problem?!?) 

I'm struggling with going anywhere without looking at what is going on around me and thinking how lucky I am. And it makes me sad and upset that even though I am so fortunate and blessed, I can't get out of this funk and "woe is me" feeling.   I spent 2 hours wrapping presents tonight and got through maybe half of what we have to wrap. I can turn the thermostat up just because I am a little chilly.  I overally have good health.  I have a job that pays me very well.  I have a reliable car that will get me to all of our holiday celebrations.  I have two beautiful God children & 7 amazing nieces and nephews.  I have so much. 

Yet, I want more.  The thing that seems to elude me. I want a baby -- and more specifically, I want to be pregnant.  I want to be a mom.  And honestly & without hesitation, I would give up all of my material possessions for that one thing! 

These days I find myself extremely frustrated with my husband. I find myself questioning my relationship with a God who took my mom from me at an early age and now won't give me a child of my own (how's that for entitlement?).  I feel guilty for asking for anything for Christmas, when so many have so little.  I feel guilty for feeling sad during this time of the year. 

I haven't put up a Christmas tree, or any decorations.  I turn the radio station everytime a Christmas carol comes on.  I bought Christmas cards, but probably won't send them.  I really just want the holiday to be over. 

One thing I am grateful for, is the community I have found here in blogging land.  I really appreciate you ladies and the support and kind comments you leave.   I will get through this blip in the road.  I have done it before and will do it again.  I don't mean to be a constant downer. 

As a side note, the period from hell seems to FINALLY be ending.  I called my RE's office on Friday and the nurse told me I needed to come in to see the doctor before they could schedule an ultrasound just to check things out.  So...I'm headed back there the first week of January.  Hopefully will be able to have the hydrosonogram done shortly there after and figure this all out.  Hope is what I need right now...

Music

Not much new today.  The period from hell continues.  Think I will for sure call the RE's office tomorrow to see about getting in for an ultrasound during this cycle.  Something is just not right (or if it is, I would like to be reassured of that). 

Today's question is around music and what is on my iPod.  I generally like most music except rap and twangy bluegrass.  I used to hate country, but my husband is a big fan, so I'm even warming up to it a bit.  My best friend is a music teacher, and we roomed together in college, so I was exposed to a wide variety of music when living with her. 

Day 14 - Put your iPad on shuffle.  List the first 10 songs that play.
1.  The Littlest Birds (The Be Good Tanyas)
2.  A Mighty Fortress is Our God (Chris Rice)
3.  Detours (Sheryl Crow)
4.  Lost in Your Eyes (Debbie Gibson) -- let's hear it for the 80s!
5.  The Christmas Can Can (Straight No Chaser)
6.  One (U2)
7.  How Great Though Art (Carrie Underwood) -- This makes me think of my mom and how much I miss her
8.  Leaving on A Jet Plane (Peter, Paul & Mary)
9.  I Would Die for That (Kellie Coffrey) -- if you are in the infertility world and you haven't heard this song -- YouTube it
10.  Society (Eddie Vedder)

Five Guilty Pleasures

Okay, today has been a better day, but I'm just gonna say that the sun better come out soon because it has been 4 full days without it and I'm starting to go a bit crazy...

Also, my period is driving me nuts -- and -- sorry if this is TMI -- but the last two months it has been different than in the past (crampy, lots of clots, heavier than normal).  I'm thinking about calling my RE tomorrow to see if I should maybe have an ultrasound just to make sure there isn't anything funky going on inside.  Especially since we will hopefully start up on IUIs again in the new year. 

Ok...on to the blog challenge...

Today's blog challenge question is:
Day 13 - List 5 guilty pleasures.
1.  Massages every 2 weeks.  I found someone who is quite inexpensive and very awesome.  I buy packages from her, so it equals out to be about $30 per 1 hour massage.  I carry a lot of my stress (and other people's too) in my shoulders, neck and back, so this is a guilty pleasure that is also really a necessity for my well being. 
2.  Going to a nice salon once every 2 months.  Yep, I could certainly get my haircut cheaper elsewhere, but love my stylist and so it's a treat...oh and since I've been aging (dammit), I've had to add in a color every now and then. 
3.  Eating out.  Hubby and I do it probably way too much, but we are both very busy, so sometimes it is just hard to cook at home (or we are too tired).  This is how we socialize.  I eat out lunch a lot because it is when I get together with old co-workers or network (and I'm not particularly fond of leftovers -- luckily hubby is).  In the evenings we go out a lot with friends and/or family.  I'm trying to get better about planning out meals and we'll eat at home more in the winter. 
4.  Magazines...love them...whether they are subscriptions I get (Natural Health, Fitness, Health), cooking (Eating Well) and/or smut (People, US Weekly), there's nothing I love more in the winter than taking a nice hot bath with a magazine in hand.
5.  Naps -- enough said. 

C.R.A.N.K.Y (which is fitting for day 12 of the blog challenge)

So today's question is: 
Day 12 - List 5 pet peeves.
For those who know me IRL, they know that I have lots of pet peeves or irritants, primarily repetitive noises.  I think my hearing must be super sensitive (so is my smelling sense).  So here they are:
1.  chewing gum with mouth open and popping gum
2.  sniffling (I always offer them a kleenex)
3.  people who talk through movies, shows and concerts
4.  pen clicking
5.  people who are habitually late (I have someone in my family who is 45 - 60 minutes late to every family event.  She never apologizes and she always says it is because of the kids.  Oh, I'm sorry -- just because I don't have kids is the reason I can make it on time.  Whatever)

Hmmmmmmm...think I'm a bit cranky tonight?  Yep...CD 1 has arrived in all it's glory!  Yippee!  I'm getting off the Femara this month for a natural cycle (with only Chinese herbs and my regular cocktail of supplements).  I'll probably O right around Christmas day or the day after, so looks like we won't be able to try an IUI again until at least January, since we will be out of town.  I'm going to try to relax, not count days, have a few drinks, and make the most of it. 

I'm off to bed to sleep this crankiness off (or at least both me and hubby hope)! 
G'Night!

Day 11 of the Blog Challenge & 2nd Blogging Award

Today's question is Day 11 - If you could have 3 wishes, what would they be?
It's funny that this is the question today because yesterday I celebrated Christmas with my best friend.  She got me a cool necklace from dogeared.com.  It is a small wishbone, but the best part is the sheet of paper it came on says "Make a wish and put on this necklace.  Everytime you put on this necklace, remind yourself of that wish.  The more you believe, the closer you will be...peace and trust"  It's gorgeous!  And while I've been wearing my butterfly necklace to symbolize my baby in heaven, this one is now adorning my neck as a reminder of what can and WILL be.  (which is a necessary reminder since I started spotting today). 

So onto my wishes:
1.  To give birth to at least one child, and raise them in a loving household.
2.  To be able to live out in the country, away from the everyday hussle and bussle
3.  To continue to be healthy.

Really, after #1, the other two were hard to come up with.  I used to wish for lots of things -- generally all materialistic in nature, but now, my biggest wish & prayer is #1. 

Mommy-in-waiting recently gave me the Liebster award -- thanks so much (go visit her blog)!  Here's more about it:

This award is given to bloggers who have less than 200 followers, all in the spirit of fostering new connections. Liebster is German & means ‘dearest’ or ‘beloved’ but it can also mean ‘favorite’. The idea of the Liebster award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers.

Here's how to spread the Liebster Love:

• Copy and paste the award on your blog
• Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
• Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
• Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers

The blogs that I nominate for this award are:

Jen @ The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita

Mel @ Believe in Miracles

Kibou YumeAi @ Kibou YumeAi

Angie @ Random Thoughts From Angie

Rebecca @ The Road from There to Here

Honestly, I don't know how many followers these ladies each have,  because blogger won't show me anyone's followers -- even my own.  Does anyone else have this problem?  Does anyone know how to solve this problem? 

Day 10 (I think)

I'm now 1/3 of the way through this month's blog challenge.  If you want to join us, visit Pink Lipgloss and Prenatals at the address on the picture below.  She goes in for her second beta tomorrow, so send her some good vibes! 

Today's question is a tough one:  Day 10 - What is your favorite book?

I can't say that I have a lot of favorite books, but I have several favorite authors. 

1.  Kristin Hannah (fiction - a lot of her titles are at Target)

2.  Marian Keyes (fiction)

3.  Wendy Corsi Staub (mystery)

I really liked a lot of Jodi Picoult's books, back in her earlier days, like Nineteen Minutes and Plain Truth, but I've been less thrilled with her more recent books.  Her latest book, "Sing You Home" discusses infertility.  I have to admit that it was a tough read.  There was a point, very early on, where Zoe, the main character's husband, says something along the lines of "I just want my wife back", that struck a little too close to home.  But I kept on with it and overall, I'm glad I did.  Without giving away too much, I did feel that it was a little too far fetched and unrealistic in places, and that the ending was predictable. 

This week I also received another award, which I will talk about and present to some other bloggers later this week. 

Can you believe Christmas is two weeks from today?  I need to do some serious wrapping!

Catch up -- Days 6, 7, 8 & 9

Happy Weekend!  It's been a crazy few days around here, so I need to get caught up on the 30 day blog challenge! 

Day 6- A picture of something that makes you happy.

Sitting or lying on the couch curled up in a blanket with a book, and the fireplace on makes me very happy this time of year.  It's even better if the cat curls up with me.  For me late fall, winter time is when I feel like hibernating and really have to make an effort to get out and do things.  One of the books I am currently reading is "Two Kisses for Maddy".  It's a true story about a man who raises his daughter after his wife dies a day after child birth.  I used to read his blog and find the story truly touching.  Lots of kleenex needed with this one. 
Day 7 - Where do you like to shop?
Depends on what I am shopping for, but some of my favorites are Target, Ulta, Trader Joes, The Limited, Ann Taylor Loft and my favorite local consignment shop (which is closing at the end of the month -- boo!).  I also try to shop locally as much as possible. 

Day 8 - Describe your dream vacation.
My dream vacation would be at a spa, near a beach, where there are daily massages, yoga, great food, sunny 80 - 90 degree weather, unlimited books and magazines and absolutely no worries.  I doubt I could get my husband to come along though...he likes more active vacations.

Day 9 - List 5 things you want to do before you die.
1.  Become a mom and eventually a grandma (experience childbirth)
2.  Spend a week at a meditation retreat
3.  Road trip with my dad to visit my brother and his family on the west coast
4.  Be financially worry-free
5.  Live out in the country off the grid

First Blogger Award!

Thanks to Rebecca for my first blog award!  Go visit her blog!  She just got GREAT news!


Similar to the Liebster Blog Award, certain rules also apply in receiving this award:

• Thank the person who passed the award on to you.
• List 7 things that people may not know about you.
• Pass the award to 15 other bloggers and don't forget to notify them as well.  The hard part is trying to pick 15 bloggers not chosen by others. Feel free to ignore my nomination if you received it from someone else :)

Here are my nominees who's blogs I love following:

Jen @ The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita

Jen @ The Road Less Traveled

M @ A Miracle for Us

Jenna @ Among the Blossoms

Mel @ Believe in Miracles

PCOSChick @ His and Her Infertility - Like the Matching Towels

Kibou YumeAi @ Kibou YumeAi

Maria @ Mission:  Fertile Seoul

Jo @ MoJo Working

Rebecca @ Trying Not to Scream

Mommy-in-Waiting @ Waiting for our Miracle

Angie @ Random Thoughts From Angie

Joey @ The Childless Mom

Suzy @ Not a Fertile Myrtle

Rebecca @ The Road from There to Here



Since I am also doing the 30 day Blog Challenge, and today's question is:  Day 5 - 15 facts about yourself, I am going to combine the two.

Here we go:

1.  I met my husband online. Yep, we're "that" couple.

2.  Feet gross me out.  I've gotten better over the years.  I used to not be able to paint my toenails or wear open toed shoes.

3.  Speaking of shoes, I HATE shoe & purse shopping.  I'd rather spend the money on something like a new pair of jeans or a sweater.

4.  I'm a pretty frugal person, but love buying for and spoiling important people in my life. Especially our nieces and nephews.
5.  I'm very picky about grammar and sentence structure. I proofread just about everything -- including books and the newspaper!

6.  I crave milk after I exercise.

7.  I once walked 60 miles over the course of 3 days to raise money for Susan G. Komen.  Life changing experience!

8.  I believe massages should be covered by health insurance.

9.  One of my proudest accomplishments is getting and paying for a masters degree while working full-time (and traveling a bunch for work).  No loans.

10.   I am doing a job I never imagined I would do in a field I never imagined I would be in -- and I LOVE it!
11.  That being said, I would love to be a house wife (and mom)...like June Cleaver.  Seriously. 
12.  I love to read, but it is generally fiction that I don't have to think too much about.

13.  I suffer from frequent bouts of insomnia -- my mind just doesn't shut off (which leads back to the importance of #8)

14.  My dad is my hero. 

15.  I came very close to failing Spanish in college -- languages just aren't my thing.

So there you have it.  Looking forward to reading the lists of you other ladies...

Two Days Rolled Into One!

I was a busy girl yesterday deep cleaning our bedroom and then hitting a show with some of my girl pals, so I didn't get to my 30 day blog challenge.  So today I will answer two questions:
Day 3 - What's in your makeup bag?
Day 4 - If you won the lottery what would you blow your money on (after charity and bills, of course) list 10 material possessions you would buy for yourself.
My make-up bag/drawer is pretty unexciting.  I don't buy any of the expensive Clinique/Mac/Lancome type stuff.  I buy most of my make-up at Ulta and things like eye liner and blush are Ulta brand.  I love Revlon's cream eye shadow.  Not much of a mascara wearer and can't find a lipstick color that works for me to save my life!   I grew up with my dad and brother...it's amazing I wear make-up at all...

The 10 things I would buy for myself:

1.  A huge kitchen, with a moderate house around it.  I love to entertain...and cook!

2.  A massage therapist to be available whenever needed!

3.  An iPad -- actually 2 -- one for me and one for my husband cause I'm not a great sharer!

4.  A shopping spree at The Limited -- love that place!

5.  A cottage in the mountains to get away to

6.  Tickets for a Mediterranean cruise (on a small less than 100 people cruise ship)

7.  A huge scrapbooking room that is big enough to host several friends

8.  Land (to build the modest house with the huge kitchen and scrapbooking room) to be able to grow our own organic fruits and vegetables to last us all year long, as well as to have local organic meats delivered to us.

9.  A chartered plane available to visit my brother, sister-in-law and niece, as well as friends who live too far away to see often, and to bring them to us.

10.  A customized piece of jewelry for all of the special women in my life!

Want to join us for the rest of the challenge?  Check it out at: 

Day 2 of the 30 Day Blog Challenge

Today's Question:  Day 2 - What's in your handbag?

Usually a bit of a mess!  I've got the typical...wallet, phone, lip gloss (Burt's Bees is my fav), bottle of Tylenol, kleenex, lotion, sunglasses, nail file, Tums.  But I also have some unusual...like a flash drive.  Here's the pic...

The best part of my purse is the color -- purple -- my favorite!  I have to admit, I am not a "change your purse for the outfit/occasion" kinda gal.  I usually use a purse until it wears out completely  And I have NEVER bought a Coach purse -- I always buy on sale.  (I do have a Coach wristlet and card holder that was given to me as a gift).  I'd rather spend my money on something else like a great sweater or pair of jeans.  This summer I visited a friend in Indiana and she introduced me to Vera Bradley, thus the wallet. 

Want to join in the fun of this blog challenge?  Check it out at: 

or see my post from yesterday for a complete list of the questions.  Coming up tomorrow -- what's in my makeup bag. 

I'm Still Here & Blog Challenge

Hi ladies!  I've been missing in action for awhile.  No real reason -- I feel like I have so much to say, but not much worth saying.  I've been keeping up on my blog following though and am thinking of all of you. 

I have to say I'm not much in the Christmas spirit this year.  Not sure if I'm even going to do a tree.  Each year the goal I've set for myself is to be pregnant by Christmas.  This will mark the 4th Christmas I haven't been pregnant (it's actually 5 but the first year doesn't count since we just started TTC in December of that year).  Last year I thought it was to be, but it wasn't.  Just feeling pretty blah about the whole thing right now. 

On a brighter note, Rebecca over at Prenatals and Pink Lipgloss is currently in her 2ww after IVF.  She has put a blog challenge out there, so in order to get me blogging more consistently, I am going to do my best to participate. 

Here are the 30 days of questions: 
Day 1 - What is the meaning behind your blog name?
Day 2 - What's in your handbag?
Day 3 - What's in your makeup bag?
Day 4 - If you won the lottery what would you blow your money on (after charity and bills, of course) list 10 material possessions you would buy for yourself.
Day 5 - 15 facts about yourself.
Day 6- A picture of something that makes you happy.
Day 7 - Where do you like to shop?
Day 8 - Describe your dream vacation.
Day 9 - List 5 things you want to do before you die.
Day 10 - What is your favorite book?
Day 11 - If you could have 3 wishes, what would they be?
Day 12 - List 5 pet peeves.
Day 13 - List 5 guilty pleasures.
Day 14 - Put your iPad on shuffle.  List the first 10 songs that play.
Day 15 - Show your favorite outfit or fashion pieces.
Day 16 - How did you and your partner decide when you were ready to start trying to conceive?
Day 17 - Discuss the most ridiculous thing you ever heard about conception. Where did you hear it? Did it work for someone else? Did you try it?
Day 18 - Besides Mothers Day, what is the hardest holiday for you as an infertile?
Day 19 - Write a letter (one that you never have to send) to a fertile in your life. Did they hurt you? Support you? Tell them how you feel, all the things you can’t bring yourself to say in person.
Day 20 - Discuss how you found your way into the ALI community, and what being part of it has meant to you – good and bad.
Day 21 - If you had gotten pregnant that first month you started trying, how would you have been a different parent? What changes have you made to your parenting style (either current or future) in the time you spent trying to conceive?
Day 22 - What was the first baby or pregnancy-related purchase you ever made? Was it before or after you started trying to conceive? Or was it after you were already pregnant?  Why did you choose that particular item to buy first? If you haven’t purchased anything yet, why not?
Day 23 - Talk about how you chose your RE.
Day 24 - If a very observant stranger were to walk into your house, what clues could lead them to believe that you have struggled with infertility?
Day 25 - Have you ever bonded with someone IRL over infertility?
Day 26 - Were you the product of infertility? Was anyone you know the product of infertility? How do you know? Or do you just suspect based on circumstances like age differences between siblings, time between marriage and conception, etc.
Day 27 - Talk about a time when you made someone in your life understand more about infertility.
Day 28 - What do you use the “nursery” for right now? If you already had a baby, what did you use it for before pregnancy?
Day 29 - If you had known that you would have trouble conceiving, what would you have done differently in life? If you already knew, did that knowledge affect your other life choices?
Day 30 -Tell us about a friendship you lost or a relationship that changed for the worse because of infertility.

Today's question is Day 1 - What is the meaning behind your blog name?
I have always been an extremely emotional person -- since I was a child.  On the StrengthsFinder, Empathy is my number one strength, so not only am I emotional about things in my own life, but I also take on the concerns and issues of others as my own.  I'm usually pretty good at putting on a "good front" (I've been told that by everyone from my hubby to my therapist), but this journey has taken my emotions to a whole new level and oftentimes makes me feel a bit bipolar, as my emotions change very very quickly. 

Hope some of you will join us for this challenge.  More tomorrow...