Should be a Happy Time of Year, But Just Not Feeling It

I'm struggling these days and I feel really guilty about it.  This is supposed to be a happy time of year.  In fact, I just read a comment on someone else's blog (from another blogger) that says something along the lines that the happiness of the holidays should pull her through this difficult time. 
I'm not so sure I agree.  Frankly, I'm a basket case these days.  Up one moment, down the next, laughing the next and crying the next.  And I'm not even on a medicated cycle (maybe that's the problem?!?) 

I'm struggling with going anywhere without looking at what is going on around me and thinking how lucky I am. And it makes me sad and upset that even though I am so fortunate and blessed, I can't get out of this funk and "woe is me" feeling.   I spent 2 hours wrapping presents tonight and got through maybe half of what we have to wrap. I can turn the thermostat up just because I am a little chilly.  I overally have good health.  I have a job that pays me very well.  I have a reliable car that will get me to all of our holiday celebrations.  I have two beautiful God children & 7 amazing nieces and nephews.  I have so much. 

Yet, I want more.  The thing that seems to elude me. I want a baby -- and more specifically, I want to be pregnant.  I want to be a mom.  And honestly & without hesitation, I would give up all of my material possessions for that one thing! 

These days I find myself extremely frustrated with my husband. I find myself questioning my relationship with a God who took my mom from me at an early age and now won't give me a child of my own (how's that for entitlement?).  I feel guilty for asking for anything for Christmas, when so many have so little.  I feel guilty for feeling sad during this time of the year. 

I haven't put up a Christmas tree, or any decorations.  I turn the radio station everytime a Christmas carol comes on.  I bought Christmas cards, but probably won't send them.  I really just want the holiday to be over. 

One thing I am grateful for, is the community I have found here in blogging land.  I really appreciate you ladies and the support and kind comments you leave.   I will get through this blip in the road.  I have done it before and will do it again.  I don't mean to be a constant downer. 

As a side note, the period from hell seems to FINALLY be ending.  I called my RE's office on Friday and the nurse told me I needed to come in to see the doctor before they could schedule an ultrasound just to check things out.  So...I'm headed back there the first week of January.  Hopefully will be able to have the hydrosonogram done shortly there after and figure this all out.  Hope is what I need right now...


  1. This time of year is so hard for infertiles. The Christmas spirit never makes me feel better either. It's normal. My RE sends out survival tips every year for Christmas, what you feel is normal.

  2. You know, I think the fact that the season dictates that we *should* be happy, adds salt to the wound. Because for many of us, especially in the IF world, it is not a happy time. I've just decided to quit trying to be happy, and instead just trying to get through it, finding moments of good self-care (and perhaps peace, if I'm very lucky).
    I hope that your Holidays are not too horrible, and that there is time to rest and be good to yourself. You've been through so much. Give yourself a little chance for peace in whatever way speaks to you.

  3. When I read your post I thought to myself wow, that is so similar to how I am feeling. Take good care of you.*Hugs*

  4. It seems like the holidays are always worse when you are infertile, and I'm sure AF is taking a toll on your emotions as always. I hope you are able to just focus on yourself and your husband and find some joy in the Holidays, but I know how hard it can be when there is a hole in your heart that only a baby can fill. I feel like I cried from December 1st-January 1st last year. It was awful, I was miserable, and I hated every minute of it. So far I'm doing better this year, but I think it has more to do with our decision to stop trying at the moment. I've been where you've been, saying it sucks and is painful doesn't even come close and I'm sorry. (Hugs) I just hope 2012 is a fresh start and that this time next year you have a reason to celebrate, a reason to be thankful, and that this is the last Christmas you spend wishing you were a Mom. I know your dream will come true soon enough.

  5. Thanks ladies -- today seems to be a better day -- just really had to get that off of my chest last night. Thanks for listening and sending love and good thoughts my way. You all are amazing!

  6. I hear ya! I wish I could say something riveting to pull you out of the funk but I cant bc I'm right there with you!

  7. The Holidays are hard. And, it's so hard to feel like everything you have *should* be enough. But, it's totally understandable. I'm glad you're feeling a little better and sending lots of ((hugs)).


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