A Puddle

I just finished watching the season finale of "19 Kids and Counting".  This is the episode when they find out that the baby doesn't have a heartbeat...in the second trimester.

I'm conflicted by a lot of the Duggar's choices in life, but no one (NO ONE) should ever have to go through the experience and pain of losing a baby -- no matter if it is just days after getting that BFP or months into the pregnancy.

So, I have found myself becoming a puddle tonight. It hurts. A lot.  It hurts to be part of this "club" of women who have lost children. (and a part of the IF club too)

If you are part of either of these "clubs", tonight I send you my love and prayers for peace.

It's just not fair.

Randomness...In Bullet Points

Lots of thoughts going through my head lately (maybe that's why I can't sleep).  So today's bulleted post is brought to you by "jumbled thoughts".  

• I read an article this weekend (I think it was in Natural Health or Health) about a woman who was going through infertility.  She made a statement about how 90% of her thoughts everyday were around her infertility, i.e. "if I eat this am I increasing or decreasing my chance of getting pregnant?" or "if I don't do this am I putting my future baby in jeopardy?"  Wow -- I was overcome when I read this.  Primarily because it validated what I feel and my CONSTANT thoughts about decision I have to make on a daily basis.  It also made me feel like maybe I'm not so crazy afterall.  :-)  
• And on that note...I've been trying really hard not to let my decisions overwhelm my every waking moment.  It's so hard.  It's especially hard to not focus on every decision my husband makes, and that's it's probably okay for him to have a drink every now and then.  (maybe I'm just jealous!)  I just feel like I am 100% obsessed with infertility right now and our upcoming IVF. I suppose that's normal, but I really want to be able to relax over the next month or two as we head to the start line.  
• Hubby and I were getting ready to leave to go somewhere today and were walking out to one of our vehicles.  A little boy in our neighborhood (I think he's actually a grandson of one of our neighbors) was riding his bike on the sidewalk and stopped to ask us, "do you have any kids?"  He repeated it over and over, even after we said no.  Nothing like rubbing salt in the wound...especially when it's from a 6 year-old.  
• On a positive note, I've lost another 5 pounds.  I'm almost down to my pre-marriage weight!  Which is good since most people say that the IVF process causes weight gain.
• I'm so nervous that something is going to go wrong with this process -- that for some reason we won't be able to start the cycle afterall when we want to, or that there will be no embryos to transfer, or that I won't produce enough eggs to retrieve.  I'm sure everyone who goes through this process has some of these same thoughts...but seriously -- they are driving me crazy!  
• So my protocol (what makes it unique) is the addition of testosterone.  Hmmmm...wonder what that's going to do to my body?  Hope I don't grow a beard or go through a puberty type of voice change.  Apparently it has had great results, but is a  new addition to IVF protocols.
• I know that I will only produce a certain number of eggs and that they will inject sperm  right into them, but what is a mystery to me is how they choose the sperm they will inject.  Assuming that there are millions of sperm (or even if there were just hundreds or thousands), how do they choose the very few that will be injected into the eggs and who's to say that one sperm might work and another one might not.  Seems like a total crap shoot (an expensive one at that) to me. Just trying to put my arms around this...

On a non-IF note, I can't believe that we are going into the last week of March and sometime this week we will need to mow our lawn.  In the Midwest.  Unbelievable.  I'm really enjoying being able to be out walking and jogging, and that it is still light outside when I leave work at night.  

Happy week to all of you!

One More Step Forward

Thank you to each of you for your thoughts and prayers as we had our IVF appointment with our RE today.  As I mentioned before, I was a bundle of emotions.  I'm pleased to say that the short version is that the meeting went really well and we have a plan in place.  Our time frame is still a bit up in the air, but I think it is likely going to be early May when we start -- about 7 weeks from now!  I felt so prepared for the meeting and everything he talked about because of all of your blogs, stories, experiences, etc.

He thinks I am going to be on the side of a poor responder, so we are doing an aggressive "newer" protocol that they have had success with.  The whole process, from start to finish should take 5-6 weeks.  I'm a bit peeved that I've been categorized as a poor responder based on one set of test results (even though all of my previous test results have been normal/near normal), but this is something I need to let go and hope that I can prove them wrong!  Good thing I'm not competitive at all!

We've already been matched with a nurse who will be our coordinator (I'll call her Nurse Quick Response).  She and I have been emailing back and forth for several weeks now.  I shared with the RE how wonderful my experiences have been so far with Nurse Quick Response.  He stated that she is great, partially because she has been through the process herself.  When he said that, I immediately liked her even more and felt so blessed that we had been matched specifically with her.

He also said that since we are doing a unique protocol, he will have Nurse Quick Response set up a one-on-one IVF orientation with us, instead of having to attend with a larger group.  Yippee!

I have to admit that when we got out of the appointment, I sort of lost it on my way back to work.  I think all of the emotions of anticipation and what we were going to hear got the best of me and let loose.

So, that's it in a nutshell.  It was a very positive experience and really couldn't have gone any better.  Thanks again for all of your kind words and thoughts!  I am truly blessed!

I AM

Suzy, over at Not a Fertile Myrtle, had this on her blog and I thought it was a nice little check in.  I obviously failed BIG time at the photo a day challenge, but still looking for ways to be patient during the wait to start IVF...so here goes.  (if you haven't visited Suzy's blog -- you should!)

I am…  a caring, empathetic, unconditional loving, often naive, sometimes pessimistic, woman who loves to take care of others.


I know… someday I will be a Mom -- and an awesome one at that!


I want… to go on vacation RIGHT NOW!


I wish… noone had to suffer from infertility.


I fear… the loss of those close to me -- family and friends.


I feel… anxious and vulnerable right now.


I smell… the remnants of dinner; dryer sheets.


I hear… Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives on tv, the cat snoring next to me (love that sound!)


I wonder… why people who will be great, loving parents are struggling with infertility.


I believe… in the powerful combination of Eastern and Western medicine to overcome struggles and that test results are just numbers, but God is the one in control and miracles do happen everyday.


I sing… when I am happy or sad, but generally when I am alone (I don't need to subject anyone else to the torture of listening)


I cried last… in the last few days.  A family member of my hubby's is dying and I am really having a hard time with it -- and it strikes me at unexpected times, generally not a full-on cry, but simple tears.


I can usually be found… taking a walk outside on beautiful days like today.


I am happy… when our cat lays on my chest to nap and when I spend time with those I love.


What are {you} today?

Wednesday

This Wednesday we  meet with our RE for our IVF consult.  Holy S*** this is for real!  I have all sorts of emotions running through me right now.

...I'm excited to be moving forward again.
...I'm scared that my most recent test results (low AMH and high FSH) are indicators of things going poorly (though my chiropractor and acupuncturist have assured me these numbers CAN be changed in a positive way and we are working very hard on that). 
...I'm nervous about the unknown.
...I'm frustrated that hubby doesn't seem to be in a hurry about scheduling his follow-up SA (it's been a couple of years).
...I'm overwhelmed, in a good way, by the love and positive energy being sent our way by those who know what is going on.
...I'm preparing myself to be more honest with others about our journey and where we are headed (one thing hubby and I agreed on when we decided this is the next step is that we need to be more open with those around us, vs very quiet about our struggles and journey).  This also scares me because everyone will know if it fails.  I feel very vulnerable about this.
...I'm optimistic that at this time next year I will be cuddling my rainbow baby either in my belly or in my arms!  
...I'm anxious to know what the schedule will be and what our protocol will look like.  
...I'm terrified to give myself injections and what the hormones will do to me and my body.  


We would appreciate your prayers and positive thoughts over the next few days as we take the next steps on this journey.  Thank you in advance!

What is it about THIS movie?

So I'm flipping through channels tonight to see what is on (I'm at home with yet ANOTHER urinary tract infection -- ugh!).

And I find this and turn to the channel...

What is it about this movie that draws me in every time I see it on?  It's like an infertile's worst nightmare -- pregnant teenager (who gets pregnant with the first sexual encounter), an infertile couple dying to be parents (though obviously not on the same page).

It's this character and the desperation I can see in her face and hear in her voice.  This character could be me.

So I'll do what I do everytime I turn this on -- continue watching with a box of kleenex nearby.  I'm up for a good cry today anyway.

**interestingly enough, this movie came out about the time we were starting on TTC journey.  My view of it has changed greatly over the last 5 years.

Day 1 & 2 of the March Photo Challenge

Day 1:  Self-Portrait

No, I'm not Ally Sheedy, but the question I get most frequently is..."do you know you look like that girl in the Breakfast Club?"  Nope, never heard that before.   Luckily I am a child of the 80s and love love love that movie!  So, for the sake of keeping my anonymity on the blog, this is the closest I will get to a self portrait.  And I'm pretty sure I have had that haircut once or twice in my life...

Day 2:  Feet

A little over 2 years ago, we took a last minute trip to Cancun with my parents.  Bliss...pure bliss.  On the last day we were there, my dad surprised me with a poolside foot massage.  More bliss...  I wish I could say my feet look this nice now, but I can't.  It may be time to splurge on a post-winter pedicure.

Up tomorrow -- day 3:  domestic.

Patience and March Photo Challenge

Now that we've made the decision to start IVF, I'm finding myself very impatient.  The reason we aren't able to start earlier than April/May/June is because of timing of a previously scheduled vacation, doctor's vacations ... and I wanted to give some time for us to get as healthy as possible to provide ourselves the best possible chances.

That being said, patience is not my virtue.  Never has been, never will be.

So I'm joining several other bloggers with a March 2012 photo a day challenge.  Inspired by Scrambled Eggs, I will upload a picture every day or two using the following themes:



I will start tomorrow with the first 2.  

Anyone want to join me?