Randomness...In Bullet Points

Lots of thoughts going through my head lately (maybe that's why I can't sleep).  So today's bulleted post is brought to you by "jumbled thoughts".  

  • I read an article this weekend (I think it was in Natural Health or Health) about a woman who was going through infertility.  She made a statement about how 90% of her thoughts everyday were around her infertility, i.e. "if I eat this am I increasing or decreasing my chance of getting pregnant?" or "if I don't do this am I putting my future baby in jeopardy?"  Wow -- I was overcome when I read this.  Primarily because it validated what I feel and my CONSTANT thoughts about decision I have to make on a daily basis.  It also made me feel like maybe I'm not so crazy afterall.  :-)  
  • And on that note...I've been trying really hard not to let my decisions overwhelm my every waking moment.  It's so hard.  It's especially hard to not focus on every decision my husband makes, and that's it's probably okay for him to have a drink every now and then.  (maybe I'm just jealous!)  I just feel like I am 100% obsessed with infertility right now and our upcoming IVF. I suppose that's normal, but I really want to be able to relax over the next month or two as we head to the start line.  
  • Hubby and I were getting ready to leave to go somewhere today and were walking out to one of our vehicles.  A little boy in our neighborhood (I think he's actually a grandson of one of our neighbors) was riding his bike on the sidewalk and stopped to ask us, "do you have any kids?"  He repeated it over and over, even after we said no.  Nothing like rubbing salt in the wound...especially when it's from a 6 year-old.  
  • On a positive note, I've lost another 5 pounds.  I'm almost down to my pre-marriage weight!  Which is good since most people say that the IVF process causes weight gain.
  • I'm so nervous that something is going to go wrong with this process -- that for some reason we won't be able to start the cycle afterall when we want to, or that there will be no embryos to transfer, or that I won't produce enough eggs to retrieve.  I'm sure everyone who goes through this process has some of these same thoughts...but seriously -- they are driving me crazy!  
  • So my protocol (what makes it unique) is the addition of testosterone.  Hmmmm...wonder what that's going to do to my body?  Hope I don't grow a beard or go through a puberty type of voice change.  Apparently it has had great results, but is a  new addition to IVF protocols.
  • I know that I will only produce a certain number of eggs and that they will inject sperm  right into them, but what is a mystery to me is how they choose the sperm they will inject.  Assuming that there are millions of sperm (or even if there were just hundreds or thousands), how do they choose the very few that will be injected into the eggs and who's to say that one sperm might work and another one might not.  Seems like a total crap shoot (an expensive one at that) to me. Just trying to put my arms around this...
On a non-IF note, I can't believe that we are going into the last week of March and sometime this week we will need to mow our lawn.  In the Midwest.  Unbelievable.  I'm really enjoying being able to be out walking and jogging, and that it is still light outside when I leave work at night.  

Happy week to all of you!


  1. A couple of months ago, going into our first IVF, I was having *so many* of these same thoughts. Hang in there!

  2. It is definitely true that it was pretty much impossible to separate my IF from any other thought i was having. IN fact, every so often I'd think "huh, I haven't thought about IF in about an hour. Crazy."

    Sorry about the 6 year old. They definitely can be tough.

    Yay for the 5 pound loss!!

    It's impossible not to be nervous about this process, I think. There are so many unknowns. I only made it through by meditating and talking it all through on my blog.

    As for the ICSI -- I had some of those same thoughts. But, I think they choose them based off of which ones are moving the most successfully and are the best shapes. I think they also did some sort of test where they had to make their way through a certain medium? I can't remember at this point. But, yeah, it was weird to imagine that the embryologist was choosing the individual sperm that would fertilize my eggs.

    And, seriously, I had the same thought as I was going home this weekend and noticed that everyone's lawns needed to be mowed! In March! Usually we need to shovel at this point...

  3. I totally agree that 90% (if not 100%) of my thoughts are cosumed by infertility, glad I'm not the only one! Congrats on the weight loss, woo hoo! With ICSI, I think they choose the fastest and best formed ones. Like the best in the litter, so to speak, lol. Feeling nervous and worried is completely normal (hugs), sorry I haven't commented more often but know that you've ben in my thoughts and I'm wishing you and your Dh all the best during your IVF journey. Sending you lots and lots of sticky baby dust as always!


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