Sad

I miss my "baby" so much.  Should she have been born on her due date, she would be 3 months old tomorrow and I would just be returning to work.  (I sensed and dreamed the baby was a girl while pregnant for those precious 7 weeks).

I wear a necklace I bought on Etsy that has a butterfly charm and an emerald stone to always remember my baby in heaven and her official due date month.  Tonight I was out to eat with a friend and the waitress asked me if the emerald was my birthstone.  Just another reminder of what could have/should have been. 

Why?

Why are we infertile? 
Why can a 16 year-old who isn't prepared at all for the world or  a drug addict  have a baby and I can't?
Why is infertility treatment so expensive, invasive and not covered by insurance?
Why are 1 in 8 couples dealing with infertility today when "back in the day" it was babies galore?
Why can't I stop being jealous of every pregnant woman I see?
Why do I live in constant fear that one of my co-workers and/or friends is going to annouce they are pregnant?
Why do I emotionally melt every time one of these announcements is made?
Why can't I get my mind off of this? 
Why can't I just relax about it? (cause we all know that will result in pregnancy)
Why do I have such a hard time talking about infertility with my hubby?
Why can't I bear the thought of us being on different courses with what we do next? (even though I know deep down that we are)
Why does my period seem to play with me every month recently with a few days of spotting and then, just when I've convinced myself that it could be implanatation bleeding, does it start full force?
Why do people ask stupid questions or say stupid things around me in regards to pregnancy, babies and infertility?
Why do I answer "I'm fine" when people ask, when I am really not?
Why is having a baby so easy for some people and so hard for others?
Why can't I control this? 
Why can't I control my emotions?
Why can't I believe it will "just happen" like my husband does? (especially since it happened once)
Why do I bury myself in my work to "avoid" thinking about it?
Why did I have a miscarriage?
Why is adoption so expensive and so risky?
Why can't I have my "take home baby"?
Why do I sometimes think God is sending me a sign that I shouldn't have kids?
Why did I have to grow up without a mom and now I can't be a mom?
Why isn't there a guidebook for this?
Why am I so impatient?
Why can't I know all of the answers?
Why does being infertile take most of the fun out of having sex?
When I talk about infertility, why does everyone say "you would be a great mom!"? 
Why am I mad at God about this?
Why am I mad at everyone and everything about this?
Why can't I be happy with what I DO have, instead of focusing on the sadness of what I don't have?
Why do doctors pressure you into treatment so quickly without looking at the root cause(s)?
Why doesn't someone tell me what we should do, so I don't have to make the decision?
Why do I feel so stuck?

Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why? 

Why me?  Why us?

The Dreaded Question

Monday I realized I was getting a bladder infection.  By Monday evening, it hit full on and I knew it was going to be a long night if I didn't do something about it, so I hit a walk in clinic.  I gave my sample and settled into the room waiting for the results to come in.  The PA (and his student) both examined me...then more waiting.  Never did the dreaded question come up, so I got cocky and thought maybe I'd get through this appointment without hearing it.  Finally they walk in and the PA confirms a bladder infection and gives me a prescriptiion for Cipro.  Then, as I'm about to walk out he asks the question...

wait for it...

"You're not pregnant or trying to get pregnant are you?"

So, I delve into my normal response...

"I'm not that I know of, but I could be." 

So begins the strange looks and more questions. 

"Are you actively trying?  Do you have reason to believe you are pregnant?" 

So I fumble over my words multiple times  "Well I'm not pregnant RIGHT now, but I could be in the proceess of getting pregnant.  I ovulated this weekend, so it is possible."  (in my mind I'm wondering why I even brought it up as the likelihood is so small -- but a girl can hope right?)

"So you ARE actively trying?"

"Yep."  (in my mind I'm thinking "don't even get me started.")

So the prescription gets ripped up and a new safe for pregnancy antibiotic is prescribed.  (and I'm so thankful I will likely never see these two people ever again after fumbling over my words  and looking like a fool)

I then go to a local big box store to get it filled as my normal pharmacy is closed.  And I swear that EVERY pregnant woman in a 15 mile radius is there -- as if to toy with me and my emotions, while it took over a half hour to fill the dang prescription.  Never mind the physical discomfort I was in...the emotional discomfort was much worse. 

All in a Monday night...

Blessings

I was recently introduced to this song by Laura Story and can't get enough of it.  I think it speaks to everything that I am hoping for along this journey -- that among all of the tears, sleepless nights and lonliness, there are blessings waiting for me...whether on this journey or my heavenly one. 

I've been doubting God's presence in this journey recently, but that's another post all on it's own. 

I hope the lyrics to this bring you some peace in this bumpy IF journey as well...

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can’t satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?
http://www.lyricshall.com/lyrics/Laura+Story/Blessings/

And if you want to listen to the song, here's the link.  It's so beautiful! 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGmKC34UZ68

CD 1 and an Unexpected Demon

I thought this might be the month.  In the previous two months I've been on Femara again, I've always started spotting on cycle day 26 or 27 with full bleeding by day 28 or 29.  This month I had nothing up until day 30, giving me lots of hope.  But I started spotting last night and continued today so guessing cycle day 1 (full flow) is gonna be tomorrow.  Hubby and I have decided to take a break this month from the Femara -- I just can't think it is healthy to be on it for more than 3 months in a row. I also don't like what it is doing to my period -- with this spotting then starting a couple of days later, making the whole process 8-9 days long.  Ugh... I guess that is the "hate to take drugs and wonder what they all do to my body" in me speaking.  I'm also hoping it will just take some of the pressure off for me as well this next month (self-imposed pressure). 

Of course, who knows?  When I was pregnant last year, I had similar spotting to this...so I'm not giving up hope quite yet. 

I'm dealing with a different demon right now, that is hitting me a lot harder than I ever expected it would.  You see, I turn 36 next month (how did that happen???).  My mom died when she was 36.  Now, I'm not expecting to die in this next year, but it's still making me crazy emotional (and I just don't need to add Femara craziness to that as well next month -- that drug makes me super emotional!). 

It's a busy week, so it's goodnight for tonight.  I hope to get into a better habit of blogging this next month as well. 

Grrrrrrrrr....

I hate it when people who know we are going through this fertility journey, talk about getting pregnant and their upcoming plans (because it's so easy for them) in front of me. 

Yesterday was my due date...and I got my period...awesome! 

Have a great long weekend everyone.

A-Zs

A. Age when you started TTC: a bit over 31

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Just sex -- good old fashioned sex

C. Children wanted:  I'd love two or three, but at this point, one would be awesome

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children:  1 cat

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Prenatal vitamins,  Fish Oil, Vitex (Chasteberry), Blood Booster, Women's Precious (Chinese Herb)

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken:  Clomid, Femara

G. Gain: I recently lost 30 pounds

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Uncomfortable, but the grossest part was the dye oozing out of my body for 24 hours afterwards...ick.

I. Infertile Pet Peeves:  Lack of insurance coverage for infertility and people who know our story but are completely insensitive.

J. Job title: I work in healthcare...

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Not too worried -- we're a bit old fashioned going with family names.  Totally not into the trendy names many of our family members and friends have gone with...

L. Length of time TTC: 4 years and 6 months

M. Miscarriages: Blighted ovum at 7 weeks

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: None -- we really only have one choice for an RE and he is really quite awesome. 

O. Ovarian quality: FSH levels indicate it is okay, but was told wouldn't know for certain unless we did IVF which we are not doing.

P. POAS or wait for AF: I hate POAS, so wait for AF

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: Heard just last night..."You guys can go out like this anytime you want to and don't have to worry about paying a babysitter." 

S. Sperm: We have swimmers 

T. Time you tried naturally: Lots, we've just done about 6 medicated cycles (3 of those with IUIs).  otherwise au natural...

U. Uterus quality: My RE called it "boring" which he stated was a good thing during my hydrosonogram last summer.

V. Vagina: I have one... 

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: We have a baby backpack/stroller that we bought three of about 4 years ago -- two of them were for friends who were pregnant at the time.  They were on sale at about 90% off.

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? Our parents, one of our siblings and a couple of friends.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?):  Yes, but it's nice to not be on a "birth control schedule" of when I have to see her.  It's probably been a year and a half...

Z. Zits: Thought they would go away by age 25...boy was I wrong! 

Happy Easter!

Like I said in my last post, I'm feeling strangely optimistic.  I have a small feeling deep down inside of me that I may even be pregnant now (even though my day 3 labs showed I probably wouldn't ovulate -- at least that's what my RE said, my naturopath said the numbers didn't indicate that). But oftentimes I feel that way just before AF shows up...so we'll just wait and see. I'm a bit afraid to believe it might be true, because I've been let down so many times in the past. 

Hubby and I had a great weekend with family.  I have felt really close to him this weekend.  I know IF and especially my reaction to it, along with my depression and anxiety, have taken a toll on our relationship.  But this weekend I feel like WE are strong. 

I went to church this morning with my MIL.  She is a wonderful person and the church she attends is very small and the church my husband grew up in.  We currently don't have a church home, so it was nice to go with her.  Before we got married, the ladies of the church threw us a shower...so just a congregation of really nice people.  Church should be a safe place for an infertile right?!?  We sat down and in comes a couple where the woman is REALLY pregnant and they sit right behind us.  Ends up it is a classmate of my hubby's and his wife, home visiting his parents.  Then as we were leaving, someone comes up to my MIL and says "there were 37 here today, but I am going to count 39 since there are two pregnant ladies".  Ends up another of my hubby's classmates is also pregnant.  Top it off with an unwed mother who has a 6 week old, and I wasn't feeling very safe.    I have to say that I prayed really hard today for God to give us our miracle baby...

I hope all of you had a blessed Easter filled with family, friend and even some Easter eggs filled with chocolate! 

Optimistic?!? and Extreme Couponing

I'm feelilng a bit optimistic...and I hope I can keep it up.  I'm currently waiting for my period to begin.  I know it is going to because my 3 day blood work showed that I wasn't going to ovulate this month.  Hormones are slightly off -- most likely due to a signficant weight loss.  So next month we try Femara again -- and heck, maybe we'll throw in an IUI on the side!  I'd like to be pregnant by my EDD of butterfly baby and this would be perfect timing.  (I had actually hoped to be pregnant again sooner than that). 

Right before I got pregnant last summer/fall, I had signed up for a Yoga for Fertility class, which I went to, letting the instructor know that I was indeed pregnant.  I liked it so much, I signed up for a beginners class (was supposed to be prenatal class, but changed that after the miscarriage).  A couple of months later I went to another Yoga for Fertility class and realized that someone from the beginners class was also at that class.  I feel very fortunate that a connection was made and we met up for coffee after class one night and have supported each other since then.  It's nice to have an IF friend who I feel I can be completely honest (I have another IF friend, but feel a bit weird talking with her about it all) with and who I know isn't judging me.  Our stories were so similar -- TTC for several years, a surprise pregnancy and a subsequent miscarriage.  She recently went through IVF and then miscarriaged -- it was devastating for both of us I think.  In some ways I'm a bit jealous -- we have decided IVF is not for us, but sometimes I wish we could try it just once.  Anyway, talking with this friend has been life saving for me.  She knows just the right things to say.  Unfortunately, it's a sisterhood I think neither of us would like to be a part of.  I have dreams of us getting pregnant at the same time and really enjoying the experience together.  And I'm feeling like it could actually happen...  I'm also excited because I just signed up for another round of weekly yoga classes, after about a 3-4 month break.

On a completely unrelated note, I have been watching (and am watching right now) Extreme Couponing on TLC.  These people are crazy -- who needs 114 bottles of Excederin or toilet paper or deodorant to last for 40 years?  I certainly hope they make some donations to homeless shelters. 

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

Today I should be 34. 5 weeks pregnant.  We should have the nursery completed. I should be exhausted from being this pregnant.  I should be complaining about how everything hurts, aches, etc.  I should be on my way to nesting.  I should be excitedly finalizing names and dreaming about whether it is a boy or a girl. 

Instead, these are all things I am wishing were true, when in reality, our spare bedroom (the someday nursery) is a complete mess that needs attention that I don't have right now, I'm sore and exhausted from yoga class and ongoing depression, I don't have the energy or stamina to clean, and my dreams haunt me with pregnancy, only to wake up to find out it isn't true. 

Instead I am looking at going on Femara again, because, as I predicted, something is not quite right with my hormones (most likely because of the 30 pounds I've lost over the last several months -- about 20% of my weight).  Instead, I have been put on a new antidepressant to deal with my depression and anxiety issues.  Instead, I cuddle other people's new babies and hope and pray that someday I will have one of my own.  Instead, I cry silently inside when friends tell us they are expecting baby #2 and tell us ALL about it... (no, I don't care to know how baby #2 was created). 

Instead, I bury myself in my work and don't talk about the elephant in the room.  It's just easier that way.  Less painful. 

My supposed to be due date is in less than 6 weeks now.  Anyone have any ideas of coping and getting through this day?