"There's Powder on your Chest" and September Photo Challenge

First of all, I am going to join Em from Follow Every Rainbow in her September photo challenge -- I'm hoping it will help me pass the time as we get this IVF show on the road.  Visit her site and join us!

Today I showed up at work and someone stopped by my office to say good morning.  The next thing I know she says "you have some powder on your chest from when you put your make-up on."  As I looked down at my chest and rubbed gently, I wanted to say "Nope, not make-up powder, but leftover residue from the testosterone gel I had to rub into my chest/upper shoulder area this morning...duh!"

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Program...

Note:  I wrote this post on Friday, but Blogger wouldn't let me post it...grrrrrr...
_________________

Welcome ICLW friends!  Here's a brief synopsis of our journey.  Been trying to conceive for almost 6 years, taking a very conservative path.  Slightly low sperm numbers, but didn't find anything else was wrong.  Did 3 IUIs -- all BFNs.  Did several months of Femara. On a natural cycle in 2010 we got pregnant and at 7 weeks miscarried.  Tried (and continue to use) lots of alternative/natural treatments including chiropractic, acupuncture, supplements and diet changes for me.  I lost some weight.  Still nothing.  This winter we received news that my numbers had changed for the worse and it looked like my egg reserve might be getting low (I don't put a lot of faith in numbers so have a hard time believing this).  Even though it was against everything we had ever said we would/wouldn't do, we decided to proceed with IVF.  Two days before the cycle was supposed to start my husband backed out.  I was heartbroken and we started couples counseling.  That was 3 months ago.  Fast forward to today...

I have some new friends awaiting me in my bathroom each morning when I wake up.

Today is cycle day 2 of our first, and most likely only IVF cycle.  The first three weeks are filled with birth control pills and testosterone gel -- 1/3 of one of these packets, which pretty much covers my upper arm and leaves a lovely white residue behind.  (I still find it ironic that after all these years of trying to get pregnant, I now have to take birth control pills).  It's been a whirlwind couple of weeks and my emotions are in high high high gear!  I'm excited, I'm scared shitless, I'm full of worry, and on and on and on.  

Hubby actually suggested it about 10 days ago. I was having one of my meltdowns where "everything" was going badly in life, and I had been around one too many pregnant women that day.   He's not thrilled about doing it (at all), but knows how important it is to me that we give it a try, and I am so full of love for him for that.  Earlier this week we met with our counselor, finalized moving forward, talked with the clinic and started with this cycle.  I think it's good it happened quickly and I didn't have too much time to think about it!  And we've been talking recently about the fact that a baby could really come out of this and hubby gets all cute and excited -- he's been bringing up names, the fact he is against co-sleeping, and those sorts of things. (so while he says he is against IVF, I think deep down he is excited about the possibilities, but trying to stay level headed for me) 

Best case scenario:  The cycle goes smoothly and we get a take home baby (come June 2013) plus a frosty or two for good measure.  

Worst case scenarios:  The cycle gets cancelled, no embryos make it to transfer, or we get a BFN.  Because I am scared of the long-term effects of the medications on my body, I  feel strongly that this is our one and only chance at this.  If it doesn't work, we will need to find peace in being childless, or begin the adoption process.

I'm choosing to look at the best case scenarios and spend my time dreaming about that.  I just took a coaching class this week and one of the key components is staying in the present.  I am trying not think ahead to the injections, the retrieval and the transfer, but rather taking one day at a time.  The next 5 weeks are going to be a lot of relaxing, resting, yoga, meditation, eating healthy and generally just taking good care of myself. (If you have any book suggestions for me to fill my time...I'd love to hear them!) I know it is not going to be easy.  I know the hormones are going to be raging making me more of an emotional mess than usual.  I know my belly is going to be huge and sore.  But I really want to enjoy the process, stay positive and try not to complain.  

Because in the end, I pray it will be all worth it when I am holding my baby in my arms!  

Back Soon...

It's been a long time since I last posted.  I have a lot to say and yet, don't know how to say it all.  Still reading and following all of you.  I'll be back soon!

Currently

I'm titling this week "JJ and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mood".  It's bad, truly.  I'm weepy, angry, grumpy, irritable, and so on.  


Because of this, I have borrowed the inspiration for this post from Loribeth at The Road Less Travelled.
Current Book(s) -- I have to do a presentation on Sunday for a group I volunteer with, so I am currently brushing up on "Strengths Based Leadership".  Otherwise, I just finished "My Name is Mary Sutter" for my book club at work.  I generally don't get into historical fiction, but this one was really good. 

Current Playlist -- I listen a lot to just the radio in the car.  Right now I really like "Somebody that I Used to Know".  I know it's a pretty negative/depressing song, but I find it really catchy.  I especially like this version.  Another song I've loved for a long time is "Blessings".  

Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure -- Trashy magazines.  I bought several about the Katie/Tom fiasco.  (I can't believe I just admitted that!)  

Current Color -- For house stuff I'm really liking the yellow and gray combo.  Otherwise, purple is my general standby for everything else. 

Current Drink -- Huberts Mango Lemonade.  Trying to give up soda (again), and trying to push more water.  Wish me luck.  

Current Food -- Trader Joe's Caribbean Flo Joes (popsicles).  Lots of real fruit chunks in a yummy popsicle.  I seriously buy 4 or 5 boxes every time I go to TJs.

Current Favorite Show -- What Not to Wear

Current Wishlist -- Pregnancy with a take home baby 

Current Needs -- to spend time with my brother (he lives many states away and it has now been two years since I have seen him). Unfortunately plane tickets are running around $700.

Current Triumphs -- Last week I got to catch up with 4 friends I hadn't seen in over a year (not all together).  Sadly, just getting out of bed this week seems to be a pretty big triumph.   

Current Bane of my Existence -- Current bad/negative mood -- much of this comes from my upcoming birthday, which means another year is passing without a pregnancy or baby.  Also the frustration of not knowing what our next steps are/aren't.

Current Celebrity Crush -- Seriously can't think of one.

Current Indulgence -- Way too much time on Pinterest!

Current #1 Blessing -- Amazing family.  Having a 2 year-old goddaughter who asks for me everyday.   

Current Slang or Saying --  "What do you do?" (not as in what do you do for a career, but as in, in this situation, what else is there to do?"

Current Outfit -- Rocking the business casual at work, and shorts and tees at home.  It's just too darn hot to try to be too cute.  

Current Excitement -- My niece is home from overseas where she is a teacher.   

Current Mood -- See above. 

July ICWL...Welcome!

Welcome to those visiting from ICWL for July.  I look forward to checking out your blogs and getting to know you better!

Hubby and I have been married for 7 years and trying to conceive for 5+ of that.  We have not been very aggressive with our treatments, and are *hoping* for that miracle.  We have lower than normal, but not horrible counts for him, and not so impressive AMH and FSH for me.  We have done 3 unsuccessful IUIs and multiple months of Clomid and Femara.  In September 2010 we were surprised to find out I was pregnant after my period started and them promptly stopped.  This was during a month of no treatments.  Unfortunately, it was short lived, and at 7 months I miscarried naturally the day of our first ultrasound.  

In January of this year, after much thought and deliberation, we decided to move forward with one round of IVF starting in May, however, two nights before I was to start the birth control pills, my husband decided he was no longer interested in proceeding with IVF.

We are now in couples therapy (and I continue individual therapy) and are making slow, but steady progress.  We have found a wonderful therapist (we had tried therapy a couple of years ago, but found a really great guy who promptly told us about how he and his wife got pregnant 2 months after they got married, even though they were older at the time).    I am hopeful we may look at IVF again, or move towards adoption.

Most of the time I wonder if we would be one of those couples who gets pregnant after we stop trying (since we've been pregnant before which we were told would never happen naturally).  Unfortunately, I don't know how to *stop* trying.  I don't know how to shut off all of the thoughts and feelings going through my head.

I am over 35 and believe strongly in alternative medications and treatment such as vitamins, chiropractic care, acupuncture, and just simple clean living.  I do not believe that numbers are destiny, and that they can in fact be changed for the positive.  I will not let numbers rule my life and I hate it when doctors treat them like they are a death sentence (i.e. just because my AMH was low and my FSH was slightly high ONCE, then there is no chance of us conceiving -- whatever!)

I don't know where this journey is leading us, but thanks for joining us!

Apparently I'm Not Hiding It So Well

I spent today volunteering for an organization that I am on the board of directors for and have been involved with for 15+ years.  This is a one time a year event, and there are several people I see only this one day each year.  This afternoon I was talking to one of the other volunteers, Doug, who I've known for more than 10 years (but only see once a year) and as we were wrapping up our conversation, he said, "You look and seem sad or depressed, are you sure everything is okay?"  I smiled and said "yes, everything is fine" because that's what I do in these situations.

But on the inside, I was saying "holy crap, I look sad and depressed???"

You see, I pride myself on being able to appear that I have it all together -- that everything is going my way, even when it is not.  I've done this for years and years.  I was a theatre minor in college for goodness sake...this is what I do...I'm a master of this. There have been many days I haven't felt like getting out of bed, but I always force myself to do so, and to put on a happy face to say "everything is a-okay."

But the truth is, everything isn't fine.  I'm sad.  I'm depressed.  I hurt.  I want to sleep ALL of the time.  I don't want to be social.  I'm not in a good place.  I want a baby.  I want to be pregnant.  I want to be done with infertility.  I want to have a good relationship with my husband again.

My psychiatric nurse practitioner has me trying a new anti-depressant -- Effexor.  So I'm currently weening myself off of Zoloft and starting the Effexor.  I don't think it is going well.  She didn't think the Zoloft was doing enough for my irritability.  I guess we will see.

A month or so ago I would have said I was anxious, not depressed.  In fact I was having panic attacks on a regular basis.  Now, I just feel sad, depressed, lonely.  In a funk.

I know I will be okay eventually. That this feeling will pass.  But for right now it sucks.

On a totally unrelated note, blogger won't let me comment on anyone's posts.  Annoying.

Treasure Chest Thursday

Suzy, at Not a Fertile Myrtle, came up with the idea of Treasure Chest Thursday -- where  you can set up a treasury on Etsy and then share it with your fellow bloggers through your website.  I thought this was a fun idea, so here is my first Treasure Chest Thursday, created based on my favorite color -- purple.  


Check out Suzy's blog to create your own Treasury and to join us for Treasure Chest Thursday!

'Purple Paradise' 

My favorite color...simple

Rosette Silk Flower Hea... Brydferth $36.00	3D Wall Butterflies - 1... BugsLoft $25.00	Amethyst Necklace, Ster... NovemberJewelr... $31.00	Two Garlands Of Purple ... TreeTownPaper $36.00
Purple/Polka Dot/Fancy ... bandginspirati... $35.00	Chunky cowl snood in pu... missknitnat $55.00	Purple Sparkle Moustach... 42things $4.25	Purple, Aqua, and Lime ... 3LittleDutchKi... $18.00
Damson Purple Grape 4 C... WickedWalls $29.00	Purple Unicorn Coffee M... Mugsleys $10.00	Full Ruffled Apron - Fr... loveelaine $45.00	Birthstone Rings Set Ro... SecretCharm $150.00
Handmade Eco-vegan Ball... KarunaShoes $65.00	Purple Lavender Ivy Bri... ModDotTextiles $35.00	Snuggle Pup Pet Bed, Vi... dreamonblanket... $58.00	Whimsical Purple Teapot fatspaniel $100.00

Treasury tool supported by the dog house

I'm Sure I Will Regret Writing this Post...UPDATED

...much like I have regretted peeing on all pregnancy tests other than one (the one that told me I truly was pregnant).  Peeing on those pregnancy tests, except that one time, have all resulted in my period starting approximately 2 minutes later. This is why I haven't peed on a pregnancy test since the positive one 20 months ago.

So here I sit on day 28 of my cycle.  And this month just seems different...which makes me get my hopes up.  Here's how:

By the way, I'm quite certain I ovulated on day 13 -- didn't do any testing or temping , just general feel of my body.

Typical symptom:  I spot for 1 - 1.5 days before starting the full flow.
This month:  I've been spotting since Saturday morning.  Some brown, some red, but definitely longer than normal, like 2 x 3 times longer than normal.  (when I was pregnant I thought I had started my period, but then it promptly stopped and was more like spotting).  

Typical symptom:  Breast tenderness/soreness -- generally starts on the right boob and moves over to the left.
This month:  My left boob is SUPER sore/tender, and my right is just a little bit.

Typical symptom:  Annoying headache a day before and during the spotting day.
This month:  Annoying headache on day 25, but I attribute that to the massage I had the day before. No headache since -- not even a hint.

Typical symptom:  Cramping a day or two before the spotting and through the first day or two of full flow.
This month:  Cramping on day 23 - 25, but nothing since.

Typical symptom:   Diarrhea (sorry but yes, I am going there) during the cramping period.
This month:  Nada but normal regularity and I've had plenty of ... ahem... fiber.

Typical symptom:  Crazy desire to cry my eyes out over stupid things (like seeing a dead raccoon on the side of the road) about a day before spotting and during the spotting period.
This month:  No crazy desire to cry my eyes out.  But I did just have some time away from work and life in general.


Typical symptom:  Breaking out like I'm 14 again all over my face. (maybe I exaggerate a little)
This month:  Nothing out of the norm.


So the moral of this story is that I am most likely reading too much into this...but a girl can hope, right?  At least for 2 minutes.

 Update: it was more than 2 minutes....more like 9 hours...damn!!! Here we go again.

GAME OVER...all symptoms and AF arrived today -- oh joy!

A Hoax and a Book

Like many in blog-land, I was  disappointed to find out that the story I linked to in my last post (Courtney) was all a hoax and her blog has been removed.  I had even read  how people were saying it was a hoax in their comments, and thought, "seriously, noone would do that".  I was actually annoyed at those who were saying it was a hoax because they were talking about her dates not adding up and thought "really, she is going through this pain and someone is looking so thoroughly at her dates to figure out if it is possible or not."    Well, apparently the story and the blog were made up, and while I'm annoyed that her story provoked so many negative emotions in me unnecessarily, mostly I'm sad for her and that she had to make this up.  I think we all know that IF, losing a child (whether born or unborn), and the whole process of trying to conceive is hard, full of emotions, and frankly, unfair.  I truly hope she gets the help she needs.

Last week hubby and I had another counseling appointment, and we are making progress slowly, I think.(I, of course, want things to happen quickly, and have to realize this isn't going to be the case -- you would think I would have learned patience on this fertility journey)  I then headed out of town for 2.5 days, which was much needed after a week from complete hell at work.  The trip was great, relaxing, and way too short.  I'll write more about the trip in an upcoming post.

I've been doing a lot of reading so far this year, averaging at least 1-2 books per month.  For the trip, I picked up one I had been eying for awhile...Escape by Barbara Delinsky.

It was a good book -- and fitting for what is going on in my life right now and the fact that last week I really was trying to escape.  However, I was annoyed by a secondary storyline, which was predictable and a total cliche.  --don't read any further if you don't want to know how one of the storylines comes out --  The main character, Emily, and her husband are having a hard time conceiving and are just about to start medications, when Emily escapes her real life and goes to a place of her past to sort through some things and relax.  About 2 weeks into her escape, her husband finds her, shows up for a brief interlude, and then leaves again.  And boom, 2 weeks later, she realizes she is late and takes a pregnancy test.  Of course it is positive, simply because she "relaxed".  I saw that one coming from the moment she said at the beginning of the book that they were trying and she was disappointed that she had just gotten her period.

Well if it were that simple, I would  have just RELAXED  years ago.  I'd probably have 2 or 3 children by now if I had...

I know that truly does work for some, and I'm a true believer that stress plays a role in fertility.  If I didn't, I wouldn't try to manage my own type a personality with massage, acupuncture and an occasional yoga session.  

Overall, it was a good book, and I would recommend it.  Just know that the fertility storyline does sting a little bit, even if you see it coming.  

 

Please Pray...and Going Away for a Couple of Days

Please pray for Courtney and her husband.  They had to say goodbye to their rainbow baby C today after a car accident.  She joins her sister in heaven.  Courtney's husband was also in the car and also had some major injuries.

I'm heading out for 2 1/2 days -- all by myself.  I joke that I am "running away", and while I say that with a laugh, I'm really pretty serious about it.  I need some time to myself.  I need to be away from work.  I need to be away from home.  I need some "me" time. I need some time to do some serious thinking.    

We have another couples counseling session in the morning.  I don't know what to expect.  We'll see.