This One Gave Me the Chills Too...

About a week ago, I posted about Maria and her husband T and their amazing adoption story.  It gave me the chills to read.

Today, I read another blog that's ending gave me the chills.  I just recently started following Heather (found her on Lost and Found and Connections Abound).  She and her husband had just decided to end their TTC journey and move on to a child-free life after many years of infertility treatments.  Anyway, after a relaxing vacation, she got a natural BFP!!!

These stories give me such hope and make me so happy for Heather and Maria.  What joy they must be feeling right now.

These things also generally happen in threes -- so who is next?

I think I mentioned previously that I am having a rough time at work right now.  Some of it has to do with TTC, some of it doesn't.  I keep our TTC journey and all that goes with it pretty private at the office.  Friday I walked into my office to find this sitting on my desk:

I had given this to a co-worker because he just passed a big certification exam and I thought he should feel like Superman.  He couldn't have chosen a better time than to leave this for me (with the added note) -- it's exactly what I needed.

Thank you!

Thank you ladies for all of your thoughts, prayers and kind words today.  Our appointment went as well as could be expected for a first appointment.  It was really just a lot of fact gathering -- no decision making or getting deep into things.  We both liked the therapist, he was very low-key and as hubby said "a man of few words".  We will go back on the 20th for another appointment.  While I want to have resolve sooner than later, I realize this has to happen through baby steps.  It just doesn't help my anxiety to have it drag out...

Unfortunately, my therapist was sick, so I did not get to have my appointment with her.  I found this out just as I was leaving for our couple's session and I have to say it sent me into a major meltdown.  I am so frustrated because I waited 5 weeks for this appointment with her and am now being told I have to wait another 4 for her next first available opening, but they will put me on the cancellation waiting list (which I was on for the last 5 weeks with no cancellations).  This is unacceptable to me and I have a call into the clinic manager to see what he can do.  I'm not sure I can wait a whole month longer to process my own thoughts and feelings with my impartial therapist.  

I'm thinking of "running away" by myself for a couple of days next week.  Husband is aware of it and seems supportive.  I am so stressed out with all of this and an amazingly stressful time at work that I feel like if I don't have some downtime I am going to literally fall apart. I feel like I don't know who I am right now.  Now I just need to get the courage up to ask for the time off of work (there's already one person on our team on maternity leave - oh joy!) so it's tight.  I love my husband, my friends, my family and my co-workers, but I really just need some time to process the events of the last 6 weeks and work on finding myself again.  

In other news, blogger doesn't seem to want to let me comment on blogs tonight. 

Thank you again for your love and support -- I really don't know what I would do without you ladies!

JJ

Thursday

Tomorrow (Thursday) is husband and my's counseling appointment....which will hopefully help us start to work through what happened 5 weeks ago (the halting of our first IVF cycle) and determine what happens next.  I follow that with my individual counseling session with my regular therapist, who just happens to be at the same office.

I'm not going to lie...I'm a little freaked out about this.  I know it will be good to talk it out with someone, but I'm scared of the outcome and what decisions will likely need to be made.

My emotions have gone from feeling numb to pretty much crying about every little thing.  It's not pretty.

Any prayers and/or thoughts you can send my way tomorrow would be appreciated!

Some Days You Just Can't Get Away From It...

And on days like today, I could only laugh...because if I didn't, I would have cried.

Husband and I went out to a local lake this morning to go sailing.  As we are out there, we run into a gentleman in a kayak and he starts asking us about sailing. It was a nice conversation.   Pretty soon, another kayaker (lady) comes up and the 2 kayakers realize they know each other.  As we start to float away from them, I hear the her ask him about his wedding and then hear him state that he is soon going to be the father of twin boys.  For the next five minutes as we float further and further away, I continue to hear their conversation about their names, how far along they are, how big they are, and on and on and on.  I guess it's not safe to even go sailing with my husband anymore.  Who knew?

Afterwards we were hungry so we stopped by a local restaurant for lunch. As we were sitting on the patio, I see a man and two women walk up to the restaurant -- it appears to be a couple and one of their moms.  And yep, the woman in the couple is pregnant.  I figure they will come out to the patio too...and 2 minutes later, there they are, sitting at the table next to us, giant belly and all.  Figures.

Later this afternoon we needed to pick up some supplies at a local hardware store, and then I needed one more ingredient for something to make for work, so decided to stop by the dreaded Wal-Mart.  Not shocking that nearly every other woman in the store was pregnant...

I may just stay in the house from now on.
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On Friday I saw my Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner for a med check.  I've been on anti-depressants for many years, but have just in the last year moved away from my family doctor for this purpose.  The person I see is pretty straight laced so I had to chuckle a bit when she went through the usual litany of questions -- "are you involved in social activities?"  "are you suicidal?"  "are you homicidal?" -- and with that she gave me a little smile.  And I chuckled a bit, which felt good, as I don't seem to do that much anymore.

What I appreciated most was that she told me her personal story -- not about infertility, but about how her husband also changed his mind regarding how to have children/if to have children during their marriage.  Sadly it made me connect to her more.

Thankfully she was also able to give me something for the panic/anxiety attacks that I seem to be having on nearly a daily basis anymore.  Unfortunately, the pharmacy wasn't able to fill it on Friday, so I still don't have it yet...but am hopeful for some relief.  

A Blog That Took My Breath Away Today

Lots of stuff going on in bloggy world today...good stuff like increasing  betas and first ultrasounds & heartbeats...as well as bad stuff like declining betas and forced breaks.   I am thinking of each and every one of you.

One blog in particular touched me all day long.  A fellow blogger closed her blog about 6 weeks ago and moved on to an adoption blog site.  Maria and T had been trying to have a baby for over 6 years and recently had decided to adopt.  She made a visit back to her fertility blog to give an update...and what an update it was!  (You can see it here)  It gave me chills as I was reading it and  had me in tears (happy ones) off and on all day thinking about Maria, T and their little miracle.

It's stories like these that give me hope...

One of These Things is Not Like the Other

That's the thought that has been hanging heavily on my heart this week.  My whole life I have never really been one who enjoys "standing out from the crowd", but instead have prided myself on fitting in (or at least trying to -- sometimes too hard), but right now I feel like I don't fit in at all.  


It started this weekend -- we went to see some friends who have two young children.  They have moved to a new town and a new house and we were their first non-family visitors.  I know they meant no harm, but I cringed every time they talked about how "you don't want to have carpet in your house when you have kids" or "this is such a great neighborhood -- there are just so many KIDS around."  


It continued that night when we met up with three other couples for a quick dessert.  We are the only ones who don't have any kids...and we are now being lapped by one couple for the second time.  So as the conversation focused on kids,  "don't do thats", "this is what my kid has done lately", etc, I found myself getting more and more exhausted (and sad).  Please don't get me wrong -- I love each of these kids, and I am so blessed by the time we get to spend with them and how much they love us, but sometimes I wish we could have an adult conversation that doesn't revolve around the kids.  


This week it seems like every time I turn around I am seeing yet another pregnant belly, or hearing about a new pregnancy, or someone taking leave or going on bedrest (because of my job I hear a LOT about maternity leaves and complications and answer a LOT of questions about the same).  


But I think the clincher for me was this morning at work when I simply lost it.  One of my teammates had a baby last week, and today, one of my co-workers sent a link to our entire office of the hospital photos that were taken.  While I can handle that, the emails that followed throughout the whole office for the rest of the day were just too much for my fragile heart to handle.  And I lost it.  By myself.  With noone around.  With noone aware of how much this hurts me.  (again, don't get me wrong, I am happy for my co-worker, but also pretty darn jealous).  


This week my baby should be turning 1.  
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I was planning for a big post today to announce the taking of the last birth control pill of our first IVF cycle and the beginning of injections and monitoring and adventures -- oh my!  


A lot can change in 3 weeks.  I'm not sure that first IVF cycle will ever happen.  You see my husband and I had a big fight two nights before my cycle started which resulted in him basically backing out of wanting to proceed with IVF the night before my cycle started (even though he is the one who suggested it in the first place).  So the night before I was to start the bcps, we sat on the couch, sobbing together at the unfairness of IF and our now very differing opinions of where to go next on this journey.  


So it is off to couples therapy we go...but of course we couldn't get an appointment until mid-June, which remarkably is on the same day I see my own therapist -- whom I couldn't get into for 6 weeks from the day I called.  Ridiculous. I mean seriously -- a 6 week wait to see a therapist who I have been a patient of for 2 years now?!?   I am hanging on a hope and a prayer that she will have a cancellation before then.  


I'm not ready to go  into the details, but I feel like I am at a point where I am going to be faced to make a tough decision.  A decision I don't want to have to make.  I have a LOT of hurt in me right now that I can't seem to process quite yet.  So far I have been numb.  I was telling my small infertility peer group that I recently joined about what had transpired and I felt inhuman for not crying as I was saying it.  This is not me -- I am usually the most emotional person in any room that I am in.   I can feel the emotions slowly coming to the surface and am scared as hell as to what is going to happen when they hit hard.  


If there is a silver lining to come out of all of this it is that my husband is the most relaxed I have seen him in a long time.  Meanwhile, I may be the most stressed out I have been in a long time.  


Who knows what the next chapter will bring.  

7 Things...

Much thanks to MelodyT and Ali for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger Award and the Lovely Blogger Award, respectively.  Both awards have the same rules, so here we go...  


Here are the rules:

- Nominate 15 fellow bloggers who are reletively new to blogging.

- Let them  know you have nominated them.

- Share seven random facts about yourself.

- Thank the bloggers that have nominated you.

- Add the Versatile Blogger Award picture to your blog post.

1.  I'm in a career I never thought I would be in and I love it!  I had always intended to go to grad school and get my PhD so I could teach full-time.  A few years ago I had the opportunity to teach full-time and decided after the full-day interview that it wasn't for me.  Glad I didn't spend the money on the PhD, though I love learning, so would still like to take the classes, but not do the research.

2.  I have lived in Australia for 9 months of my life.  I was an exchange student in high school and then went back for a short time in college.  I so want to take my husband there to let him and my Australian host family meet.  

3.  I am horrible at the names, artists, etc and what songs they sing.  I generally don't care.  I just know what I like and don't like.  My brother knows every song, who sang it and what year it came out. It's annoying.

4.  My step sister and I were best friends in high school and set our parents up.  They are still together 17 years later.

5.  I am very claustrophobic.  I can't even watch movies like Apollo 13 because I truly want to hurl.

6.  As of my last birthday, I'm officially older than my mom was when she died.  It's really hard for me to think about that.  

7.  A few years ago I did the 3 day - 60 mile walk to benefit the Komen Foundation.  Life changing experience!  We ended up walking nearly 70 miles...every step!

I'll have to come back later to nominate the 15 other bloggers...as it is time for bed!  

Don't Ignore...How You Feel

I'm a little bit late with this post...last week was Infertility Awareness Week, but I was just off last week.  I can't really explain it other than I was tired, didn't feel like doing anything, and wasn't up to posting...

Last week I was invited to attend the inaugural meeting of an infertility peer group.  I live just outside a state capital and have been sorely disappointed for years that there was nothing of this sort in the community.  A friend of mine (who recently had her baby through IVF) invited me to a group her chiropractor was starting.  It was a lovely gathering of 5 women (plus the chiropractor) who were all on different paths and places in this journey.  It was great just to talk and have feelings validated and feel open.

What I found unusual is that I am a highly emotional person.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  In fact, last week I had tears come to my eyes when I heard of some things going on with people around me.  As I sat in this circle of women struggling with the ups and downs of infertility, I noticed that many of them got very emotional and cried.  I wanted to cry, but I didn't.  As I told my story, I was just matter of fact.

Sadly, I feel like this infertility journey has taken some of the emotion away from me.  I feel hardened by it all.  Like, what is the point of crying anymore?  It's frustrating because sometimes I think I would feel much less stressed if I could just cry it out, scream and shout.

I've been on anti-depressants for many years now, but have never found one that makes me truly feel "normal". In the last 6 months I have started on Zoloft and have felt pretty good, but am now wondering if it has a role in taking my emotions away...

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On another note, I am on cycle day 26.  I'm a 27 - 30 day cycle girl mostly.  I don't have any symptoms yet except EXTREMELY SORE BOOBS!  Like I want to die when I touch them (okay that might be a bit dramatic).  Usually my boobs start to get sore about 4-5 days before my period starts, but this month, they have been extremely sore since 6dpo.  When I mentioned this to my acupuncturist on Thursday night, she also stated I have a "slippery pulse".  Then she told me to not get my hopes up, but this might mean something.  When I went to schedule another appointment she looked at me and said "let me know what you find out this week (whether I get my period or not) and then we will go forward from there.  Then she crossed her fingers and gave me a huge smile.  So, I am obsessively googling "slippery pulse" and compulsively checking everytime I wipe (sometimes wiping just to check -- sorry TMI).

I truly hate these last few days of the cycle.  I've been down this road so many times before wondering and wishing I was pregnant only to be fooled again.  If af is going to show up, I wish she would just do it so I could get start on the bcps for IVF.

Giuliana and Bill?

Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote last.  We've been out of town for a little vacation, so I am working hard to get caught up on everyone's blogs.  


Last week I went out for lunch with my best friend.  During that time, I told her we were going to do IVF.  She has been so incredibly supportive through all of this -- in fact she called me the day of my miscarriage (she didn't even know we were pregnant) just because she "felt like she needed to."  Anyway, she had several questions and stated that the only thing she knew about IVF was from watching Giuliana and Bill.  


I had never watched Giuliana and Bill.  But I remembered that they had recently been in the news when she was diagnosed with breast cancer during a pre-IVF mammogram.  I had been intrigued in their story, but hadn't dug any deeper.


Since I had a lengthy airplane trip coming up, I decided to download seasons 2 & 3 to my iPad.  And I watched several episodes over the flights.  All  I can say is -- good for them, for allowing the media into their very private life and experiences.  There is NO way I would let anyone document this journey for others to see.  


I can't wait to watch more episodes.  I feel like I can really relate to what they are doing.  Sure, they have pretty unlimited resources available to them, and they seem pretty naive about the whole infertility testing, processes, etc, but so was I 5 years ago...


Any of you watch this show?  What are your thoughts?

Oh I've Missed You...A Confession

Today is CD 1.  The good news is in about 28 days we will be off and running on our first and hopefully only IVF cycle.  The bad news is there is only one more month to conceive a "miracle IVF baby".

Ever since we decided to do IVF about 2 months ago, I have been trying to be as healthy as possible.  I'm trying to stress less, go to acupuncture, go to my chiropractor, meditate, etc.   I've also cut down on excess sugar, eat limited dairy and carbs, and have cut out caffeine.  I try to eat one dark leafy green salad each day.  And so far, other than an occasional weak moment of needing french fries, I've done overall pretty good.

The hardest thing to give up for me has been Diet Mountain Dew.  I never have drank a lot of it -- 20 oz or less each day, but I had some everyday.  It's been 5 weeks and 3 days since my last Diet Mt. Dew, or any pop for that matter (do you find it funny that because of IF, we count our weeks and days this way?).  And I still crave it EVERYday.  It's not the caffeine, but the taste.  I struggle with sticking to water, but I want a baby, and will do whatever I have to.

So onto the confession part...I gave in tonight.  I've had part of a bottle of Diet Mt. Dew.  It's been a bit of a rough week so far.  Hubby has been gone a lot lately for work, and when he was home earlier this week we had a fight about...yep...IVF/IF.  Work has been super crazy.  My emotions are frazzled and I am tired all of the time.  Oh, and did I mention that it is CD 1 today?

So I gave in.  And I'm frustrated with myself.  I know it's silly to upset about something so trivial, but it makes me mad I gave in.  That I didn't have the willpower to make it 5 weeks and 4 days.