Sometimes I Wonder Why I Even Log Into Facebook

Everytime I read something that makes me upset on Facebook, I swear I am not going back for a long time, which lasts a few days at the most. Probably the one thing that bugs me the most is when parents complain about their kids.   

Yesterday, as we were driving from one family event to another, I was just reading all of the nice Merry Christmas postings on Facebook when I was blindsided by this one: 

"_________'s  present to us was to wake up at 4am and then be a

righteous lil' butthole for the rest of the morning. Merry Christmas y'all!"

This was from my cousin, who's son just turned 3 and is apparently a righteous lil' butthole.  This would be my cousin who got his girlfriend pregnant but doesn't want to marry her because he doesn't believe in marriage. 

Let's just say hubby had to talk me down from the ledge on this one.  I will see said cousin tonight at a family gathering and it may take all I have to not say something to him.  I really wanted to comment and say "you should really be thankful for what you have".(and maybe I still will)  I get it. I do.  Kids can be pains sometimes.  But really, it's Christmas morning and he was probably just excited about the build-up of Santa coming to visit. Honestly, it's probably the first year he really "gets" the whole Santa thing.   I've read lots of posts where kids got their parents up way before daylight because Santa had visited their house.  But calling your kid a righteous lil' butthole is just not appropriate at any time or place, and especially on a public forum like Facebook. 

While I would like to say that when I do get pregnant and when I do have a child, I won't complain about anything, because those complaints hit me so deep to the core right now, but I know that is not realistic.  The truth is I will complain and moan sometimes, but I know that I will find much more joy in pregnancy and parenthood than frustration and pain. 

I hope you had a wonderful holiday.  We did.  I had a meltdown in the car on the way to the in-laws on Thursday night, and really thought I might spend the weekend curled up in our hotel room (where all of our extended family was gathering) throwing a little pity party for myself, but having our two nieces and lots of other family around was really good for me.  And I may have drank a little (or a lot) which helped mask the pain a bit.  Last night as we were leaving some family, I gave a hug to my grandmother-in-law and she leaned into me and said "do you have any news to share with me?"  Yep, pretty much ripped my heart open again.  I replied with "no, wish I did, but I don't" to which my mother-in-law gave me the saddest look I think I have ever seen. 

I'm looking forward to another day off of work today.  The weekend has gone by way too fast.  I'm certainly not ready to return to work on Tuesday.  We have some friends coming at the end of the week to celebrate new years with us and I am anticipating a pregnancy announcement (2nd child).  I may need a lot more alcohol...

Sometimes I'm a Little Slow...

...and then I get hit in the face.  Like tonight.  As you know I've been in a crap-tacular mood recently.  As I was having a meltdown tonight (after opening one too many Christmas cards with adorable children pictures and stories in them -- I'm sorry, but I really don't care that your son's favorite letter right now is N) it dawned on me...we should be celebrating baby's first Christmas and sending out Christmas cards with a happy family of 3 photo attached.  Should be...but not. 

I'm taking a little blogging break for the holidays.  We'll be on the road, but I will be reading your blogs when I can, though may not comment much.  Lots of holiday BFPs out there in blog land.  I'm very happy for each and every one of you who are celebrating one of these (and am thinking of those of you who aren't). 

I'll pick back up on the blogging challenge after the holidays too...I guess it will be the 30 day blog challenge that took 60 days to complete.  

Merry Christmas to each of you and your families!
JJ

Should be a Happy Time of Year, But Just Not Feeling It

I'm struggling these days and I feel really guilty about it.  This is supposed to be a happy time of year.  In fact, I just read a comment on someone else's blog (from another blogger) that says something along the lines that the happiness of the holidays should pull her through this difficult time. 
I'm not so sure I agree.  Frankly, I'm a basket case these days.  Up one moment, down the next, laughing the next and crying the next.  And I'm not even on a medicated cycle (maybe that's the problem?!?) 

I'm struggling with going anywhere without looking at what is going on around me and thinking how lucky I am. And it makes me sad and upset that even though I am so fortunate and blessed, I can't get out of this funk and "woe is me" feeling.   I spent 2 hours wrapping presents tonight and got through maybe half of what we have to wrap. I can turn the thermostat up just because I am a little chilly.  I overally have good health.  I have a job that pays me very well.  I have a reliable car that will get me to all of our holiday celebrations.  I have two beautiful God children & 7 amazing nieces and nephews.  I have so much. 

Yet, I want more.  The thing that seems to elude me. I want a baby -- and more specifically, I want to be pregnant.  I want to be a mom.  And honestly & without hesitation, I would give up all of my material possessions for that one thing! 

These days I find myself extremely frustrated with my husband. I find myself questioning my relationship with a God who took my mom from me at an early age and now won't give me a child of my own (how's that for entitlement?).  I feel guilty for asking for anything for Christmas, when so many have so little.  I feel guilty for feeling sad during this time of the year. 

I haven't put up a Christmas tree, or any decorations.  I turn the radio station everytime a Christmas carol comes on.  I bought Christmas cards, but probably won't send them.  I really just want the holiday to be over. 

One thing I am grateful for, is the community I have found here in blogging land.  I really appreciate you ladies and the support and kind comments you leave.   I will get through this blip in the road.  I have done it before and will do it again.  I don't mean to be a constant downer. 

As a side note, the period from hell seems to FINALLY be ending.  I called my RE's office on Friday and the nurse told me I needed to come in to see the doctor before they could schedule an ultrasound just to check things out.  So...I'm headed back there the first week of January.  Hopefully will be able to have the hydrosonogram done shortly there after and figure this all out.  Hope is what I need right now...

Music

Not much new today.  The period from hell continues.  Think I will for sure call the RE's office tomorrow to see about getting in for an ultrasound during this cycle.  Something is just not right (or if it is, I would like to be reassured of that). 

Today's question is around music and what is on my iPod.  I generally like most music except rap and twangy bluegrass.  I used to hate country, but my husband is a big fan, so I'm even warming up to it a bit.  My best friend is a music teacher, and we roomed together in college, so I was exposed to a wide variety of music when living with her. 

Day 14 - Put your iPad on shuffle.  List the first 10 songs that play.
1.  The Littlest Birds (The Be Good Tanyas)
2.  A Mighty Fortress is Our God (Chris Rice)
3.  Detours (Sheryl Crow)
4.  Lost in Your Eyes (Debbie Gibson) -- let's hear it for the 80s!
5.  The Christmas Can Can (Straight No Chaser)
6.  One (U2)
7.  How Great Though Art (Carrie Underwood) -- This makes me think of my mom and how much I miss her
8.  Leaving on A Jet Plane (Peter, Paul & Mary)
9.  I Would Die for That (Kellie Coffrey) -- if you are in the infertility world and you haven't heard this song -- YouTube it
10.  Society (Eddie Vedder)

Five Guilty Pleasures

Okay, today has been a better day, but I'm just gonna say that the sun better come out soon because it has been 4 full days without it and I'm starting to go a bit crazy...

Also, my period is driving me nuts -- and -- sorry if this is TMI -- but the last two months it has been different than in the past (crampy, lots of clots, heavier than normal).  I'm thinking about calling my RE tomorrow to see if I should maybe have an ultrasound just to make sure there isn't anything funky going on inside.  Especially since we will hopefully start up on IUIs again in the new year. 

Ok...on to the blog challenge...

Today's blog challenge question is:
Day 13 - List 5 guilty pleasures.
1.  Massages every 2 weeks.  I found someone who is quite inexpensive and very awesome.  I buy packages from her, so it equals out to be about $30 per 1 hour massage.  I carry a lot of my stress (and other people's too) in my shoulders, neck and back, so this is a guilty pleasure that is also really a necessity for my well being. 
2.  Going to a nice salon once every 2 months.  Yep, I could certainly get my haircut cheaper elsewhere, but love my stylist and so it's a treat...oh and since I've been aging (dammit), I've had to add in a color every now and then. 
3.  Eating out.  Hubby and I do it probably way too much, but we are both very busy, so sometimes it is just hard to cook at home (or we are too tired).  This is how we socialize.  I eat out lunch a lot because it is when I get together with old co-workers or network (and I'm not particularly fond of leftovers -- luckily hubby is).  In the evenings we go out a lot with friends and/or family.  I'm trying to get better about planning out meals and we'll eat at home more in the winter. 
4.  Magazines...love them...whether they are subscriptions I get (Natural Health, Fitness, Health), cooking (Eating Well) and/or smut (People, US Weekly), there's nothing I love more in the winter than taking a nice hot bath with a magazine in hand.
5.  Naps -- enough said. 

C.R.A.N.K.Y (which is fitting for day 12 of the blog challenge)

So today's question is: 
Day 12 - List 5 pet peeves.
For those who know me IRL, they know that I have lots of pet peeves or irritants, primarily repetitive noises.  I think my hearing must be super sensitive (so is my smelling sense).  So here they are:
1.  chewing gum with mouth open and popping gum
2.  sniffling (I always offer them a kleenex)
3.  people who talk through movies, shows and concerts
4.  pen clicking
5.  people who are habitually late (I have someone in my family who is 45 - 60 minutes late to every family event.  She never apologizes and she always says it is because of the kids.  Oh, I'm sorry -- just because I don't have kids is the reason I can make it on time.  Whatever)

Hmmmmmmm...think I'm a bit cranky tonight?  Yep...CD 1 has arrived in all it's glory!  Yippee!  I'm getting off the Femara this month for a natural cycle (with only Chinese herbs and my regular cocktail of supplements).  I'll probably O right around Christmas day or the day after, so looks like we won't be able to try an IUI again until at least January, since we will be out of town.  I'm going to try to relax, not count days, have a few drinks, and make the most of it. 

I'm off to bed to sleep this crankiness off (or at least both me and hubby hope)! 
G'Night!

Day 11 of the Blog Challenge & 2nd Blogging Award

Today's question is Day 11 - If you could have 3 wishes, what would they be?
It's funny that this is the question today because yesterday I celebrated Christmas with my best friend.  She got me a cool necklace from dogeared.com.  It is a small wishbone, but the best part is the sheet of paper it came on says "Make a wish and put on this necklace.  Everytime you put on this necklace, remind yourself of that wish.  The more you believe, the closer you will be...peace and trust"  It's gorgeous!  And while I've been wearing my butterfly necklace to symbolize my baby in heaven, this one is now adorning my neck as a reminder of what can and WILL be.  (which is a necessary reminder since I started spotting today). 

So onto my wishes:
1.  To give birth to at least one child, and raise them in a loving household.
2.  To be able to live out in the country, away from the everyday hussle and bussle
3.  To continue to be healthy.

Really, after #1, the other two were hard to come up with.  I used to wish for lots of things -- generally all materialistic in nature, but now, my biggest wish & prayer is #1. 

Mommy-in-waiting recently gave me the Liebster award -- thanks so much (go visit her blog)!  Here's more about it:

This award is given to bloggers who have less than 200 followers, all in the spirit of fostering new connections. Liebster is German & means ‘dearest’ or ‘beloved’ but it can also mean ‘favorite’. The idea of the Liebster award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers.

Here's how to spread the Liebster Love:

• Copy and paste the award on your blog
• Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
• Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
• Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers

The blogs that I nominate for this award are:

Jen @ The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita

Mel @ Believe in Miracles

Kibou YumeAi @ Kibou YumeAi

Angie @ Random Thoughts From Angie

Rebecca @ The Road from There to Here

Honestly, I don't know how many followers these ladies each have,  because blogger won't show me anyone's followers -- even my own.  Does anyone else have this problem?  Does anyone know how to solve this problem? 

Day 10 (I think)

I'm now 1/3 of the way through this month's blog challenge.  If you want to join us, visit Pink Lipgloss and Prenatals at the address on the picture below.  She goes in for her second beta tomorrow, so send her some good vibes! 

Today's question is a tough one:  Day 10 - What is your favorite book?

I can't say that I have a lot of favorite books, but I have several favorite authors. 

1.  Kristin Hannah (fiction - a lot of her titles are at Target)

2.  Marian Keyes (fiction)

3.  Wendy Corsi Staub (mystery)

I really liked a lot of Jodi Picoult's books, back in her earlier days, like Nineteen Minutes and Plain Truth, but I've been less thrilled with her more recent books.  Her latest book, "Sing You Home" discusses infertility.  I have to admit that it was a tough read.  There was a point, very early on, where Zoe, the main character's husband, says something along the lines of "I just want my wife back", that struck a little too close to home.  But I kept on with it and overall, I'm glad I did.  Without giving away too much, I did feel that it was a little too far fetched and unrealistic in places, and that the ending was predictable. 

This week I also received another award, which I will talk about and present to some other bloggers later this week. 

Can you believe Christmas is two weeks from today?  I need to do some serious wrapping!

Catch up -- Days 6, 7, 8 & 9

Happy Weekend!  It's been a crazy few days around here, so I need to get caught up on the 30 day blog challenge! 

Day 6- A picture of something that makes you happy.

Sitting or lying on the couch curled up in a blanket with a book, and the fireplace on makes me very happy this time of year.  It's even better if the cat curls up with me.  For me late fall, winter time is when I feel like hibernating and really have to make an effort to get out and do things.  One of the books I am currently reading is "Two Kisses for Maddy".  It's a true story about a man who raises his daughter after his wife dies a day after child birth.  I used to read his blog and find the story truly touching.  Lots of kleenex needed with this one. 
Day 7 - Where do you like to shop?
Depends on what I am shopping for, but some of my favorites are Target, Ulta, Trader Joes, The Limited, Ann Taylor Loft and my favorite local consignment shop (which is closing at the end of the month -- boo!).  I also try to shop locally as much as possible. 

Day 8 - Describe your dream vacation.
My dream vacation would be at a spa, near a beach, where there are daily massages, yoga, great food, sunny 80 - 90 degree weather, unlimited books and magazines and absolutely no worries.  I doubt I could get my husband to come along though...he likes more active vacations.

Day 9 - List 5 things you want to do before you die.
1.  Become a mom and eventually a grandma (experience childbirth)
2.  Spend a week at a meditation retreat
3.  Road trip with my dad to visit my brother and his family on the west coast
4.  Be financially worry-free
5.  Live out in the country off the grid

First Blogger Award!

Thanks to Rebecca for my first blog award!  Go visit her blog!  She just got GREAT news!


Similar to the Liebster Blog Award, certain rules also apply in receiving this award:

• Thank the person who passed the award on to you.
• List 7 things that people may not know about you.
• Pass the award to 15 other bloggers and don't forget to notify them as well.  The hard part is trying to pick 15 bloggers not chosen by others. Feel free to ignore my nomination if you received it from someone else :)

Here are my nominees who's blogs I love following:

Jen @ The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita

Jen @ The Road Less Traveled

M @ A Miracle for Us

Jenna @ Among the Blossoms

Mel @ Believe in Miracles

PCOSChick @ His and Her Infertility - Like the Matching Towels

Kibou YumeAi @ Kibou YumeAi

Maria @ Mission:  Fertile Seoul

Jo @ MoJo Working

Rebecca @ Trying Not to Scream

Mommy-in-Waiting @ Waiting for our Miracle

Angie @ Random Thoughts From Angie

Joey @ The Childless Mom

Suzy @ Not a Fertile Myrtle

Rebecca @ The Road from There to Here



Since I am also doing the 30 day Blog Challenge, and today's question is:  Day 5 - 15 facts about yourself, I am going to combine the two.

Here we go:

1.  I met my husband online. Yep, we're "that" couple.

2.  Feet gross me out.  I've gotten better over the years.  I used to not be able to paint my toenails or wear open toed shoes.

3.  Speaking of shoes, I HATE shoe & purse shopping.  I'd rather spend the money on something like a new pair of jeans or a sweater.

4.  I'm a pretty frugal person, but love buying for and spoiling important people in my life. Especially our nieces and nephews.
5.  I'm very picky about grammar and sentence structure. I proofread just about everything -- including books and the newspaper!

6.  I crave milk after I exercise.

7.  I once walked 60 miles over the course of 3 days to raise money for Susan G. Komen.  Life changing experience!

8.  I believe massages should be covered by health insurance.

9.  One of my proudest accomplishments is getting and paying for a masters degree while working full-time (and traveling a bunch for work).  No loans.

10.   I am doing a job I never imagined I would do in a field I never imagined I would be in -- and I LOVE it!
11.  That being said, I would love to be a house wife (and mom)...like June Cleaver.  Seriously. 
12.  I love to read, but it is generally fiction that I don't have to think too much about.

13.  I suffer from frequent bouts of insomnia -- my mind just doesn't shut off (which leads back to the importance of #8)

14.  My dad is my hero. 

15.  I came very close to failing Spanish in college -- languages just aren't my thing.

So there you have it.  Looking forward to reading the lists of you other ladies...

Two Days Rolled Into One!

I was a busy girl yesterday deep cleaning our bedroom and then hitting a show with some of my girl pals, so I didn't get to my 30 day blog challenge.  So today I will answer two questions:
Day 3 - What's in your makeup bag?
Day 4 - If you won the lottery what would you blow your money on (after charity and bills, of course) list 10 material possessions you would buy for yourself.
My make-up bag/drawer is pretty unexciting.  I don't buy any of the expensive Clinique/Mac/Lancome type stuff.  I buy most of my make-up at Ulta and things like eye liner and blush are Ulta brand.  I love Revlon's cream eye shadow.  Not much of a mascara wearer and can't find a lipstick color that works for me to save my life!   I grew up with my dad and brother...it's amazing I wear make-up at all...

The 10 things I would buy for myself:

1.  A huge kitchen, with a moderate house around it.  I love to entertain...and cook!

2.  A massage therapist to be available whenever needed!

3.  An iPad -- actually 2 -- one for me and one for my husband cause I'm not a great sharer!

4.  A shopping spree at The Limited -- love that place!

5.  A cottage in the mountains to get away to

6.  Tickets for a Mediterranean cruise (on a small less than 100 people cruise ship)

7.  A huge scrapbooking room that is big enough to host several friends

8.  Land (to build the modest house with the huge kitchen and scrapbooking room) to be able to grow our own organic fruits and vegetables to last us all year long, as well as to have local organic meats delivered to us.

9.  A chartered plane available to visit my brother, sister-in-law and niece, as well as friends who live too far away to see often, and to bring them to us.

10.  A customized piece of jewelry for all of the special women in my life!

Want to join us for the rest of the challenge?  Check it out at: 

Day 2 of the 30 Day Blog Challenge

Today's Question:  Day 2 - What's in your handbag?

Usually a bit of a mess!  I've got the typical...wallet, phone, lip gloss (Burt's Bees is my fav), bottle of Tylenol, kleenex, lotion, sunglasses, nail file, Tums.  But I also have some unusual...like a flash drive.  Here's the pic...

The best part of my purse is the color -- purple -- my favorite!  I have to admit, I am not a "change your purse for the outfit/occasion" kinda gal.  I usually use a purse until it wears out completely  And I have NEVER bought a Coach purse -- I always buy on sale.  (I do have a Coach wristlet and card holder that was given to me as a gift).  I'd rather spend my money on something else like a great sweater or pair of jeans.  This summer I visited a friend in Indiana and she introduced me to Vera Bradley, thus the wallet. 

Want to join in the fun of this blog challenge?  Check it out at: 

or see my post from yesterday for a complete list of the questions.  Coming up tomorrow -- what's in my makeup bag. 

I'm Still Here & Blog Challenge

Hi ladies!  I've been missing in action for awhile.  No real reason -- I feel like I have so much to say, but not much worth saying.  I've been keeping up on my blog following though and am thinking of all of you. 

I have to say I'm not much in the Christmas spirit this year.  Not sure if I'm even going to do a tree.  Each year the goal I've set for myself is to be pregnant by Christmas.  This will mark the 4th Christmas I haven't been pregnant (it's actually 5 but the first year doesn't count since we just started TTC in December of that year).  Last year I thought it was to be, but it wasn't.  Just feeling pretty blah about the whole thing right now. 

On a brighter note, Rebecca over at Prenatals and Pink Lipgloss is currently in her 2ww after IVF.  She has put a blog challenge out there, so in order to get me blogging more consistently, I am going to do my best to participate. 

Here are the 30 days of questions: 
Day 1 - What is the meaning behind your blog name?
Day 2 - What's in your handbag?
Day 3 - What's in your makeup bag?
Day 4 - If you won the lottery what would you blow your money on (after charity and bills, of course) list 10 material possessions you would buy for yourself.
Day 5 - 15 facts about yourself.
Day 6- A picture of something that makes you happy.
Day 7 - Where do you like to shop?
Day 8 - Describe your dream vacation.
Day 9 - List 5 things you want to do before you die.
Day 10 - What is your favorite book?
Day 11 - If you could have 3 wishes, what would they be?
Day 12 - List 5 pet peeves.
Day 13 - List 5 guilty pleasures.
Day 14 - Put your iPad on shuffle.  List the first 10 songs that play.
Day 15 - Show your favorite outfit or fashion pieces.
Day 16 - How did you and your partner decide when you were ready to start trying to conceive?
Day 17 - Discuss the most ridiculous thing you ever heard about conception. Where did you hear it? Did it work for someone else? Did you try it?
Day 18 - Besides Mothers Day, what is the hardest holiday for you as an infertile?
Day 19 - Write a letter (one that you never have to send) to a fertile in your life. Did they hurt you? Support you? Tell them how you feel, all the things you can’t bring yourself to say in person.
Day 20 - Discuss how you found your way into the ALI community, and what being part of it has meant to you – good and bad.
Day 21 - If you had gotten pregnant that first month you started trying, how would you have been a different parent? What changes have you made to your parenting style (either current or future) in the time you spent trying to conceive?
Day 22 - What was the first baby or pregnancy-related purchase you ever made? Was it before or after you started trying to conceive? Or was it after you were already pregnant?  Why did you choose that particular item to buy first? If you haven’t purchased anything yet, why not?
Day 23 - Talk about how you chose your RE.
Day 24 - If a very observant stranger were to walk into your house, what clues could lead them to believe that you have struggled with infertility?
Day 25 - Have you ever bonded with someone IRL over infertility?
Day 26 - Were you the product of infertility? Was anyone you know the product of infertility? How do you know? Or do you just suspect based on circumstances like age differences between siblings, time between marriage and conception, etc.
Day 27 - Talk about a time when you made someone in your life understand more about infertility.
Day 28 - What do you use the “nursery” for right now? If you already had a baby, what did you use it for before pregnancy?
Day 29 - If you had known that you would have trouble conceiving, what would you have done differently in life? If you already knew, did that knowledge affect your other life choices?
Day 30 -Tell us about a friendship you lost or a relationship that changed for the worse because of infertility.

Today's question is Day 1 - What is the meaning behind your blog name?
I have always been an extremely emotional person -- since I was a child.  On the StrengthsFinder, Empathy is my number one strength, so not only am I emotional about things in my own life, but I also take on the concerns and issues of others as my own.  I'm usually pretty good at putting on a "good front" (I've been told that by everyone from my hubby to my therapist), but this journey has taken my emotions to a whole new level and oftentimes makes me feel a bit bipolar, as my emotions change very very quickly. 

Hope some of you will join us for this challenge.  More tomorrow...

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

The Good:

• I've lost 5 more pounds in the last week or two -- yeah!!!  I'm now down to about 7 - 10 to go to get to my goal weight (which is also my pre-married weight).  I've seriously tried to watch what I put in my mouth and not just eat to eat.  I've also tried to stay "cleaner" when eating -- less processed junk. 
• In going along with that, I'm down to 1 can of diet pop a day.  Not sure if/when I can give it up completely...I did when I was pregnant last year.
• It's getting colder, so it's time for hot drinks.  Besides hot apple cider and an occassional peppermint hot chocolate from Starbucks, I love Caribou Coffee's Hot Cinnamon Spice tea.  The only bummer is you can only order it online so I just bought myself a stash.  I'm not a coffee drinker, and not terribly found of plain tea either.  This doesn't really taste like tea at all and it smells heavenly!  And it is full of cinnamon -- which both my acupuncturist and naturopath suggest to kick my kidneys into action on the reproductive front.
• We got to watch our 1 year-old goddaughter yesterday for a couple of hours.  She took to me quickly and didn't even cry when mom and dad left. 
• I got to spend the day today with my dad working on his rental property, getting it ready for new tenants.  Always fun to spend the day with my dad. 

The Bad:

• It's Sunday night already -- seriously -- how does the weekend go so darn fast?
• It's trick-or-treat night.  Most of the kids are adorable and polite.  However, my pet peeve is kids who don't say thank you and instead their parents yell it from the sidewalk or car (and these kids are old enough to be able to say it themselves).  Of course, this also makes me sad because both my hubby and I are home to hand out candy instead of one of us being out with our child(ren) and one of us at home.  Our child should be 5 months old now...and celebrating their first Halloween.
• Yesterday was the last farmer's market of the season.  This means winter is truly on it's way.
• Watching my hubby with our goddaughter last night nearly ripped my heart out.  He's natural dad material. 
• Two more pregnancy announcements this past week, bringing the grand total up to 3 in the last 10 days.  They say things happen in threes, so I hope we are done for awhile.  Of course, I am thrilled for all three of them (one is an IRL infertile friend I met through yoga), but I'm also sad for me.  One of them is a co-worker so already putting on the armour for shielding myself from all of the pregnancy talk around the office -- "how far along are you", "how are you feeling", etc, etc, etc.  I suppose it would be rude to keep my office door closed for the next 6 months?

The Ugly

• My emotions.  Truly.  Not sure how anyone puts up with me these days.  I'm truly just pissed off at the whole world, and watch out if you catch me at a bad moment.  I'm feeling a bit passive aggressive and not at all talkative ... not a stellar combination.  Add in a bad case of insomnia, a neverending dialogue in my head, and it is a recipe for disaster.  I'm honestly thankful  my husband still seems to love me. 

MIA and Breaking Point

We've been on a little vacation...okay, a pretty long one...and it was nice.  We saw a lot of sights.  I'm not quite ready to be back in real life yet. 

Today I started spotting out of the blue...no warning...no cramping, no headache, slightly sore boobs, but not the usual signs of pending AF.  AF is due this week, so I'm not terribly surprised, but usually "feel" it coming on.  I hate this day or two that I spot before things start full-on.  It gives me hope that maybe this is like the month I found out I was pregnant and the spotting will miraculously stop. 

It's been coming on for quite some time now...but I feel myself reaching the breaking point of this whole TTC thing.  Frankly, I've reached the point where I am ready to throw my hands up in the air and say "okay universe -- you win!" 

Next month is the 5 year mark of throwing away the birth control pills.  This month is the one year mark of my miscarriage.  One year and we're still in the same place.  Maybe this is God's way of telling me I'm not supposed to be a parent.  Sometimes I look around at what's going on in the world and wonder if I really want to bring a child into this.  I told my husband tonight that I have lost all hope, there is really none left.  This is a new low for me.

We have a  couple who are about our age and don't have children.  We've never talked about if they or we are TTC and my husband and I made the assumption they would not have children.  Yet, everytime we go out with them, I wonder if this will be the time they tell us they are pregnant.  Once I see her have a drink,  I can relax a little bit.  The good news is, after seeing them this week, I no longer have to wonder if this will be the time they will tell us they are pregnant, because they are.  It's out in the open now.  And while I am very happy for them -- they will be great parents -- selfishly I am sad for me.  And I feel horrible that I can't be 100% happy for them and just for them.

It's frustrating -- no one in my real life seems to get it.  What it's like to worry everytime you go out with friends (a variety of them) and worry that they are going to make "the big announcement".  Or to sit in a meeting at work and watch a woman rub her pregnant belly.  Or to watch other couples "lap" you, sometimes even twice, in the baby process.  Noone understands why I am obsessed about this, and can't stop.  My husband just looks at me with sad eyes...he doesn't even know what to say. 

And the Winner is...

Thanks ladies for the words of wisdom that have been shared with you through your IF journey.  I am trying to make each of them part of my journey too. 

So I threw the numbers into random.org and the winner of "Fully Fertile" is....#2  Mommy-in-Waiting. Please email me your address at ajourneyofemotions(at)gmail(dot)com and I will get the book sent to you! 

Here's to a great week!

First Giveaway!

Awhile back I ordered the book "Fully Fertile" from Amazon after my yoga instructor recommended it.  I ended up getting two copies (I live in a small town and sadly our mail often gets delivered to others in the neighborhood and may not show up until days or weeks later -- which is what happened with the first copy of the book).  Anyway, I have no need for two books, so I am going to give one away as my first blog giveaway! 

To be eligible to win, simply leave me a comment of the BEST piece of fertility advice you have received and from whom.  It could be a tip, trick, coping strategy -- whatever.  I think it's fair to say we all hear our share of "stupid comments" in regards to fertility/infertility, so let's focus on the best thing we've ever heard.  Can't wait to hear what everyone has to say!

A winner will be randomly selected on Sunday, October 2, with the book sent shortly thereafter. 

Second Verse...Same as the First

If we were talking cycles, the title would be more appropriate as something like "55th verse...same as the first." 

I'm having some deja vu here.  Last year on this exact date, I started what I thought was my period.  Only to have it appear and disappear for the next 2 days and then to disappear completely...prompting me to pee on a stick (which I avoid like the plague generally because I hate the typical outcome).  On September 23, 2010 I found out I was pregnant and fell completely & totally in love already with the baby growing inside me. 

Today, I started spotting which makes me think AF will be coming full force tomorrow.  While I seriously want to hold onto hope that the result could be like last year, my heart of hearts tells me it won't.  And with that I am sad.  So sad.

It's now been one full year (almost) since I found out I was pregnant.  One full year of let downs as AF arrives every month.  One full year of lots of grieving, but appearing to the outside world like nothing is wrong (cause that's what I do).  One full year of unfulfilled dreams.  One full year of increased worry and decreased hope.  One full year of wondering if I will ever get to be a mom to a living baby. 

This sucks and I'm ready for it to be over!

Do you Believe Your Dreams?

I'm currently in the 2 week wait.  This month has been a bit different as I experimented with getting an abdominal fertility massage on day 10.  On day 14, my OPT gave me a smiley face and I went to my normally scheduled acupuncture appointment.  As she placed a needle over my right ovary -- it popped right out!  CRAZY!  She said that has never happened before. The needles over my abdomen were super sensitive and I felt things happening for the whole 45 minutes.  It's now day 18 so I am in my 2ww.  I've also been trying to keep up with my Yoga for Restoring Fertility dvd, though I have not yet developed a routine.

Last night in my dream, I took two pregnancy tests and they both came back positive immediately.  What the heck does that mean?  Is it a sign?  I've dreamt a lot that I was pregnant, but never a positive pregnancy test.  Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

Oh and my boobs are VERY tender and have been since day 15...could this be a sign of strong ovulation?  I've never had that symptom happen so randomly mid-cycle...

This cycle is just a couple of days behind last year's cycle when I was pregnant for 7 glorious weeks.  There is so much emotion with this cycle -- if this isn't the one then I have to admit that a year has passed. 

By the way, the abdominal massage, though odd, felt amazing.  And I've felt lots of things happening in my belly area since then.  I have another one on Monday...

Random Thoughts

My thoughts seem to be scattered all over the place this weekend.  Not sure why...  This past week/weekend has tested my patience in many ways. 

Thursday night I went out with a friend for dinner.  We had walked before that so it was 7:30 or 8 before we even got to the restaurant.  Shortly thereafter, a couple came in with two kids and were seated the next table over.  The kids were 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 and were neither one in good moods (hmmmmm...,maybe because they weren't gonna eat until 8 or 8:30????)  To make a long story short, the kids were whiny and wanted to run around and the parents (who appeared to be in their 40s) didn't seem to know how to handle it.  "Thomas (1 1/2), don't cry right now...mommy wants to eat."  "Thomas, I can't hold you right now, I'm trying to eat."  and my personal favorite, said to the waitress "Do you want to take him home?"  "Thomas, mommy just tried to give you away to the waitress.  Do you want to go home with her?"  Seriously?  You say that to your kid?  It took every fiber of my being to not say anything. 

Saturday I went to get a manicure.  This is not something I indulge in very often, as I am a nail biter and my nails have generally seen better days. I use it more as a reward for myself when my nails actually all grow to the same length at the same time.  I went in, and there were 4 ladies (in their 30s) in the pedicure chairs closeby, as well as a couple of others getting manicures.  The first thing I hear is "Well, I'm gonna have to tell Kelly cause he is gonna wonder why you aren't drinking."  Of course, one of the pedicure girls is pregnant.  Yeah me for choosing this moment to get a nice relaxing manicure.  Come to find out, one of the girls is getting married in 4 weeks and the other 3 were her bridesmaids, having some fun before an evening of partying.  Later it comes out that Miss Pregnant is only 7 weeks along and will be 11 weeks along on the day of the wedding.  I wanted to tell her to not be naive like me, that her world could still come crashing down around her.  Miss Bride was obnoxious the whole time I was there. Her voice was annoying and she needed reassurance on everything -- including how to paint her toenails and fingernails.  At one point the guy doing my nails apologized for her behavior and how loud they were.  But at least my nails look awesome.  :-)

On a good note, I started a new yoga workout today.  I ordered a dvd set on Amazon called "Restoring Fertility".  I have a place I love to go for yoga classes, but unfortunately, for some time now, the times just haven't worked out for me, and living 25 minutes from the studio, it was hard to make it. It is also just once a week, and I would like to practice more often. This dvd consists of 2 cds with 4 different workouts on it.  One for different phases of your cycle -- menstruation, follicular, ovulation and luteal.  Since this is cycle day 5 for me, I started with the menstruation workout.  It was very slow but I think I'm going to like it once I get to the other workouts.  They also had an introduction by the doctor who created the program, talking about how each phase/workout benefits the trying to conceive process.  What have I got to lose?  Now if I can just get in a regular pattern for doing the sessions either before or after work. 

Is it me, or are there pregnant women coming out of the woodwork??? 

Here's to a new week...

Sad

I miss my "baby" so much.  Should she have been born on her due date, she would be 3 months old tomorrow and I would just be returning to work.  (I sensed and dreamed the baby was a girl while pregnant for those precious 7 weeks).

I wear a necklace I bought on Etsy that has a butterfly charm and an emerald stone to always remember my baby in heaven and her official due date month.  Tonight I was out to eat with a friend and the waitress asked me if the emerald was my birthstone.  Just another reminder of what could have/should have been. 

Why?

Why are we infertile? 
Why can a 16 year-old who isn't prepared at all for the world or  a drug addict  have a baby and I can't?
Why is infertility treatment so expensive, invasive and not covered by insurance?
Why are 1 in 8 couples dealing with infertility today when "back in the day" it was babies galore?
Why can't I stop being jealous of every pregnant woman I see?
Why do I live in constant fear that one of my co-workers and/or friends is going to annouce they are pregnant?
Why do I emotionally melt every time one of these announcements is made?
Why can't I get my mind off of this? 
Why can't I just relax about it? (cause we all know that will result in pregnancy)
Why do I have such a hard time talking about infertility with my hubby?
Why can't I bear the thought of us being on different courses with what we do next? (even though I know deep down that we are)
Why does my period seem to play with me every month recently with a few days of spotting and then, just when I've convinced myself that it could be implanatation bleeding, does it start full force?
Why do people ask stupid questions or say stupid things around me in regards to pregnancy, babies and infertility?
Why do I answer "I'm fine" when people ask, when I am really not?
Why is having a baby so easy for some people and so hard for others?
Why can't I control this? 
Why can't I control my emotions?
Why can't I believe it will "just happen" like my husband does? (especially since it happened once)
Why do I bury myself in my work to "avoid" thinking about it?
Why did I have a miscarriage?
Why is adoption so expensive and so risky?
Why can't I have my "take home baby"?
Why do I sometimes think God is sending me a sign that I shouldn't have kids?
Why did I have to grow up without a mom and now I can't be a mom?
Why isn't there a guidebook for this?
Why am I so impatient?
Why can't I know all of the answers?
Why does being infertile take most of the fun out of having sex?
When I talk about infertility, why does everyone say "you would be a great mom!"? 
Why am I mad at God about this?
Why am I mad at everyone and everything about this?
Why can't I be happy with what I DO have, instead of focusing on the sadness of what I don't have?
Why do doctors pressure you into treatment so quickly without looking at the root cause(s)?
Why doesn't someone tell me what we should do, so I don't have to make the decision?
Why do I feel so stuck?

Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why? 

Why me?  Why us?

The Dreaded Question

Monday I realized I was getting a bladder infection.  By Monday evening, it hit full on and I knew it was going to be a long night if I didn't do something about it, so I hit a walk in clinic.  I gave my sample and settled into the room waiting for the results to come in.  The PA (and his student) both examined me...then more waiting.  Never did the dreaded question come up, so I got cocky and thought maybe I'd get through this appointment without hearing it.  Finally they walk in and the PA confirms a bladder infection and gives me a prescriptiion for Cipro.  Then, as I'm about to walk out he asks the question...

wait for it...

"You're not pregnant or trying to get pregnant are you?"

So, I delve into my normal response...

"I'm not that I know of, but I could be." 

So begins the strange looks and more questions. 

"Are you actively trying?  Do you have reason to believe you are pregnant?" 

So I fumble over my words multiple times  "Well I'm not pregnant RIGHT now, but I could be in the proceess of getting pregnant.  I ovulated this weekend, so it is possible."  (in my mind I'm wondering why I even brought it up as the likelihood is so small -- but a girl can hope right?)

"So you ARE actively trying?"

"Yep."  (in my mind I'm thinking "don't even get me started.")

So the prescription gets ripped up and a new safe for pregnancy antibiotic is prescribed.  (and I'm so thankful I will likely never see these two people ever again after fumbling over my words  and looking like a fool)

I then go to a local big box store to get it filled as my normal pharmacy is closed.  And I swear that EVERY pregnant woman in a 15 mile radius is there -- as if to toy with me and my emotions, while it took over a half hour to fill the dang prescription.  Never mind the physical discomfort I was in...the emotional discomfort was much worse. 

All in a Monday night...

Blessings

I was recently introduced to this song by Laura Story and can't get enough of it.  I think it speaks to everything that I am hoping for along this journey -- that among all of the tears, sleepless nights and lonliness, there are blessings waiting for me...whether on this journey or my heavenly one. 

I've been doubting God's presence in this journey recently, but that's another post all on it's own. 

I hope the lyrics to this bring you some peace in this bumpy IF journey as well...

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can’t satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?
http://www.lyricshall.com/lyrics/Laura+Story/Blessings/

And if you want to listen to the song, here's the link.  It's so beautiful! 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGmKC34UZ68

CD 1 and an Unexpected Demon

I thought this might be the month.  In the previous two months I've been on Femara again, I've always started spotting on cycle day 26 or 27 with full bleeding by day 28 or 29.  This month I had nothing up until day 30, giving me lots of hope.  But I started spotting last night and continued today so guessing cycle day 1 (full flow) is gonna be tomorrow.  Hubby and I have decided to take a break this month from the Femara -- I just can't think it is healthy to be on it for more than 3 months in a row. I also don't like what it is doing to my period -- with this spotting then starting a couple of days later, making the whole process 8-9 days long.  Ugh... I guess that is the "hate to take drugs and wonder what they all do to my body" in me speaking.  I'm also hoping it will just take some of the pressure off for me as well this next month (self-imposed pressure). 

Of course, who knows?  When I was pregnant last year, I had similar spotting to this...so I'm not giving up hope quite yet. 

I'm dealing with a different demon right now, that is hitting me a lot harder than I ever expected it would.  You see, I turn 36 next month (how did that happen???).  My mom died when she was 36.  Now, I'm not expecting to die in this next year, but it's still making me crazy emotional (and I just don't need to add Femara craziness to that as well next month -- that drug makes me super emotional!). 

It's a busy week, so it's goodnight for tonight.  I hope to get into a better habit of blogging this next month as well. 

Grrrrrrrrr....

I hate it when people who know we are going through this fertility journey, talk about getting pregnant and their upcoming plans (because it's so easy for them) in front of me. 

Yesterday was my due date...and I got my period...awesome! 

Have a great long weekend everyone.

A-Zs

A. Age when you started TTC: a bit over 31

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Just sex -- good old fashioned sex

C. Children wanted:  I'd love two or three, but at this point, one would be awesome

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children:  1 cat

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Prenatal vitamins,  Fish Oil, Vitex (Chasteberry), Blood Booster, Women's Precious (Chinese Herb)

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken:  Clomid, Femara

G. Gain: I recently lost 30 pounds

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Uncomfortable, but the grossest part was the dye oozing out of my body for 24 hours afterwards...ick.

I. Infertile Pet Peeves:  Lack of insurance coverage for infertility and people who know our story but are completely insensitive.

J. Job title: I work in healthcare...

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Not too worried -- we're a bit old fashioned going with family names.  Totally not into the trendy names many of our family members and friends have gone with...

L. Length of time TTC: 4 years and 6 months

M. Miscarriages: Blighted ovum at 7 weeks

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: None -- we really only have one choice for an RE and he is really quite awesome. 

O. Ovarian quality: FSH levels indicate it is okay, but was told wouldn't know for certain unless we did IVF which we are not doing.

P. POAS or wait for AF: I hate POAS, so wait for AF

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: Heard just last night..."You guys can go out like this anytime you want to and don't have to worry about paying a babysitter." 

S. Sperm: We have swimmers 

T. Time you tried naturally: Lots, we've just done about 6 medicated cycles (3 of those with IUIs).  otherwise au natural...

U. Uterus quality: My RE called it "boring" which he stated was a good thing during my hydrosonogram last summer.

V. Vagina: I have one... 

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: We have a baby backpack/stroller that we bought three of about 4 years ago -- two of them were for friends who were pregnant at the time.  They were on sale at about 90% off.

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? Our parents, one of our siblings and a couple of friends.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?):  Yes, but it's nice to not be on a "birth control schedule" of when I have to see her.  It's probably been a year and a half...

Z. Zits: Thought they would go away by age 25...boy was I wrong! 

Happy Easter!

Like I said in my last post, I'm feeling strangely optimistic.  I have a small feeling deep down inside of me that I may even be pregnant now (even though my day 3 labs showed I probably wouldn't ovulate -- at least that's what my RE said, my naturopath said the numbers didn't indicate that). But oftentimes I feel that way just before AF shows up...so we'll just wait and see. I'm a bit afraid to believe it might be true, because I've been let down so many times in the past. 

Hubby and I had a great weekend with family.  I have felt really close to him this weekend.  I know IF and especially my reaction to it, along with my depression and anxiety, have taken a toll on our relationship.  But this weekend I feel like WE are strong. 

I went to church this morning with my MIL.  She is a wonderful person and the church she attends is very small and the church my husband grew up in.  We currently don't have a church home, so it was nice to go with her.  Before we got married, the ladies of the church threw us a shower...so just a congregation of really nice people.  Church should be a safe place for an infertile right?!?  We sat down and in comes a couple where the woman is REALLY pregnant and they sit right behind us.  Ends up it is a classmate of my hubby's and his wife, home visiting his parents.  Then as we were leaving, someone comes up to my MIL and says "there were 37 here today, but I am going to count 39 since there are two pregnant ladies".  Ends up another of my hubby's classmates is also pregnant.  Top it off with an unwed mother who has a 6 week old, and I wasn't feeling very safe.    I have to say that I prayed really hard today for God to give us our miracle baby...

I hope all of you had a blessed Easter filled with family, friend and even some Easter eggs filled with chocolate! 

Optimistic?!? and Extreme Couponing

I'm feelilng a bit optimistic...and I hope I can keep it up.  I'm currently waiting for my period to begin.  I know it is going to because my 3 day blood work showed that I wasn't going to ovulate this month.  Hormones are slightly off -- most likely due to a signficant weight loss.  So next month we try Femara again -- and heck, maybe we'll throw in an IUI on the side!  I'd like to be pregnant by my EDD of butterfly baby and this would be perfect timing.  (I had actually hoped to be pregnant again sooner than that). 

Right before I got pregnant last summer/fall, I had signed up for a Yoga for Fertility class, which I went to, letting the instructor know that I was indeed pregnant.  I liked it so much, I signed up for a beginners class (was supposed to be prenatal class, but changed that after the miscarriage).  A couple of months later I went to another Yoga for Fertility class and realized that someone from the beginners class was also at that class.  I feel very fortunate that a connection was made and we met up for coffee after class one night and have supported each other since then.  It's nice to have an IF friend who I feel I can be completely honest (I have another IF friend, but feel a bit weird talking with her about it all) with and who I know isn't judging me.  Our stories were so similar -- TTC for several years, a surprise pregnancy and a subsequent miscarriage.  She recently went through IVF and then miscarriaged -- it was devastating for both of us I think.  In some ways I'm a bit jealous -- we have decided IVF is not for us, but sometimes I wish we could try it just once.  Anyway, talking with this friend has been life saving for me.  She knows just the right things to say.  Unfortunately, it's a sisterhood I think neither of us would like to be a part of.  I have dreams of us getting pregnant at the same time and really enjoying the experience together.  And I'm feeling like it could actually happen...  I'm also excited because I just signed up for another round of weekly yoga classes, after about a 3-4 month break.

On a completely unrelated note, I have been watching (and am watching right now) Extreme Couponing on TLC.  These people are crazy -- who needs 114 bottles of Excederin or toilet paper or deodorant to last for 40 years?  I certainly hope they make some donations to homeless shelters. 

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

Today I should be 34. 5 weeks pregnant.  We should have the nursery completed. I should be exhausted from being this pregnant.  I should be complaining about how everything hurts, aches, etc.  I should be on my way to nesting.  I should be excitedly finalizing names and dreaming about whether it is a boy or a girl. 

Instead, these are all things I am wishing were true, when in reality, our spare bedroom (the someday nursery) is a complete mess that needs attention that I don't have right now, I'm sore and exhausted from yoga class and ongoing depression, I don't have the energy or stamina to clean, and my dreams haunt me with pregnancy, only to wake up to find out it isn't true. 

Instead I am looking at going on Femara again, because, as I predicted, something is not quite right with my hormones (most likely because of the 30 pounds I've lost over the last several months -- about 20% of my weight).  Instead, I have been put on a new antidepressant to deal with my depression and anxiety issues.  Instead, I cuddle other people's new babies and hope and pray that someday I will have one of my own.  Instead, I cry silently inside when friends tell us they are expecting baby #2 and tell us ALL about it... (no, I don't care to know how baby #2 was created). 

Instead, I bury myself in my work and don't talk about the elephant in the room.  It's just easier that way.  Less painful. 

My supposed to be due date is in less than 6 weeks now.  Anyone have any ideas of coping and getting through this day?

Inaugural Post

I set this blog up a long time ago...about a year ago to be exact.  I've been a little leary of starting...wondering if I will keep up on it, afraid of sharing "too much information", afraid of what my emotions will show if I put all of this into words, but I decided if I don't document some of this, I'm going to go crazy.  I need an outlet.  I've never been a journaler, but I love reading other ladies' blogs.  So here we go...

I'm 35 years old (35 was a really tough birthday for me), I live in a small town, and I work in Human Resources.  I'm married and have a wonderful assortment of family and friends.  We've been on the journey to have a baby for about 4.5 years now.  We've done some assisted things here and there (Clomid, Femara, IUIs), and have done the first step of meeting with a homestudy professional, but have decided that's not really the way for us.  So we've decided to go au natural and see what happens.  The thing is, there is nothing diagnosable that we "can't" overcome by ourselves.  In the last year I've started seeing a naturopath, an acupuncturist and a massage therapist on a regular basis. I've started doing yoga off and on and have toyed around with trying reiki, but haven't yet.  I try to keep stress to a minimum, at least as much as you can when you are facing infertility, but have a strong type A personality.  Some might call me spoiled, but this is truly the first time I haven't been able to get exactly what I want, and pretty much when I want it.  It's true -- up to this point, life has been pretty easy. 

Nearly 6 months ago, out of the blue (COMPLETELY out of the blue), I found myself pregnant.  I thought my period had started, and then it promptly stopped, like the next morning, then some spotting and then stopped again.  So I took a test (I'm generally anti-testing) and voila -- the test went positive immediately!  My first beta was 100, and my second was 300, so we thought we were good to go.  It was one of the happiest days of my life, and the happiest two weeks of my life, even though I was nauseous and exhausted.  Then, the worst day of my life -- the day before our first ultrasound with the RE, I started spotting heavier and then bleeding (I had spotted off and on the whole two weeks I knew I was pregnant).  I knew it was over, but the ultrasound confirmed it.  At 7 weeks, there was no heartbeat -- there was a blighted ovum. 

I still remember the look on my husband's face when I told him I was pregnant.  He came to pick me up after work as we were meeting some friends for dinner.  I told him I had good news and bad news for him...the good news was that we were going to have a really cool anniversary gift this year (my estimated due date was 2 days before our anniversary) and the bad news was that he was going to have to take over the duties of cleaning our cat's litterbox.  He cried, I cried, and when he dropped me off at my car later that night, he told me to be extra careful cause there was now three of us. 

I can't believe the amount of grief I have felt in the past six months, having only known this baby for 2 weeks.  Some say a blighted ovum baby never developed and was never there.  But I know there was a baby there and choose to believe that it was reabsorbed by my body, leaving just the sac behind. 

This blog is to help me through this journey of emotions, one day at a time.